“Knowing me Ozzie
Osbourne, Knowing Father Finton ( Aha… )”
A WN5 Production.
An afternoon with the one & only Gary Wild.
In the course of a journalistic lifetime, it’s very rare you gets the
chance to meet with a true sporting hero. Yet, this week the two of us got
the opportunity & by God, we siezed it with both hands. I’m gonna reel a
few names off to you now….Hulk Hogan. The Ultimate Warrior. Triple H.
Stone Cold Steve Austin. Johnny Kwango. Mick McManus. The Royal Brothers (
were they really siblings? ). Can you see where we’re going with this one?
Yes, that’s right, it’s the octane fuelled thrill a minute world of
Wrestling, the kind they dish out at The Monaco Ballroom & Aspull Labour
Club ( usually followed by full page spreads in the Wigan Evening Post
complaining about the language ). It’s a world inhabited by big men with
big cohonas & in this world, there are few bigger than the one & only Gary
Wild ( formerly Dr Dream ) who is one of the reigning champs of the North
West Pro Wrestling Alliance ( NWPWA ).
Now, all great warriors need their temples where they hone their bodies to
perfection ready for the heat of battle & the two of us set about tracking
down Gary’s. The monks had their temple at Shaolin, Tommy Hearns had the
Kronk gym in Detroit. Even Ernie Gradwell had his own place in Ince.
However, this being Swinemagazine & the athlete in question being Gary
Wild, things were slightly different. Firstly, Gary doesn’t actually train
in a traditional sense. He poh pooh’s traditional methods such as a cardio
& weights programme in favour of plenty of roids & good old fashioned home
cooking. So a few phone calls were made to his charismatic manager Wildcat
( aka Elvis ) & the two of us headed up Loch St, past Ken’s then onto
downtown Fleet Street into Yesterdays Yubnub ( aka “The Star Wars Shop” )
armed only with our wits & a dictaphone that was actually older than
Dennis Norden. The quest was over. We had Gary in our midsts……
Now, we’ve a slight confession to make here. We go back a long way with
Gary & was even good mates with him at school. However, that was back
then, way before Gary’s star was in the ascendancy & his face adorned
posters outside Wallgate Station & the Late Shop in Pemberton. Would
success have changed him? Would he be a prima donna & throw a hissy fit?
Thankfully, no & pausing only momentarily whilst i described all things
Sci-fi as “shit”, we cracked on with the interview :
Ozzie - "Right Gary let`s start with your school education.What can you
remember about it ?"
Gary - "I like how you use the word "education".That`s NOT what i went
for.I went for fun basically.It was a place to meet my mates.It was like
an extended youthclub for 5 days a week really.The teachers knew but they
didn`t give a fuck or if they did they were too scared to tell our lot."
Ozzie - "What teachers to you remember ?"
Gary -" There were a lot of great treachers.At Pemberton Middle there was
Joe Soap AKA Mr Sandiford.He was the metalwork teacher who had a slight
resemblence to the scarecrow from Wizard Of Oz.He taught us all the
delights of gumtragacanthy & perspex shapes.Fuck about at your peril
though.If you was trying to burn someones hair off with the blowtorch,to
stop you,he`d put his foot on the bench and then twat a ball pane hammer
down hard as fuck.The room would freeze.After you had all stopped pissing
he`d call the culprits over and give them the bollocking of their
lives.The greatest ever Sandiford story is when he was telling all the
class how only HIM and Mr Atkinson were allowed to work the circular saw
for cutting wood.He then gave us a demonstration.Without hesitation he
sliced the top of his middle finger off.Blood everywhere.The funny thing
is though,the class was more concerned about the school disco that night
than his finger.Mr Sandifor was the DJ.Fuckin hell we thought.Word later
got round the school that he was home from hospital and the disco would go
ahead.When we arrive at the disco we get inside and Mr Sandiford i swear
to fucking God is behind the decks with a sling around his neck that is
attached to his middle finger.Laugh ? I thought i`d need a fucking
doctor.Good teacher though.
We then went to Whitley High which i would label as my main
battleground.Mrs Rignall was our sociology teacher.Looked like Aunt
Sally.Soft as shit too.I remember Osbourne farting at our desk one day
then shouting her over.She took one lungful of his fart & ran out the room
being sick.She was stood on the balcony wafting her now green face.Fucking
priceless.I also remember me & Osbourne going into the cookery store room
ans shoving our fingers in the pies.Then robbing the best one.
Ozzie - "Do you remember Mr Calderbank ?"
Gary - "I remember him VERY well.Mr Calderbank was an absolute prat.He was
in a world of his fucking own.He took us for a day trip to North Western
Station in Wigan & we ran off over the iron bridge. Then you Osbourne,you
broke into the room where they keep the platform tannoy microphone &
called Mr Calderbank a fucking wanker all over the platform.And you ate
the blokes packed lunch who works in that room.Poor cunt."
Ozzie - "You left school.What was your early employment ?"
Gary - "Well my first ever job was a YTS.I fell for the trap of being paid
27pound 30p a week in of all places Scouseland Liverpool.Now i can`t stand
Scouser and they can`t stand me because i make it known.All i did was sit
in a classroom & eye all the birds up.I went into the clerical side of
things because the girls were there and i could lech after them day after
day. After i left there i got a job in Wigan at "Keep Britain Tidy".Now
funnily enough they gave me a job in accounts & after 8 weeks it went
bankrupt.That`s the Gods honest truth.It was then taken over by the "Tidy
Britain" group who decided that they`d had enough of me & fucked me off
quicksmart.The boss (i`ll not mention his name) was from Brighton & he was
gay.He offered me a job of cleaning his house at weekends for extra
money.But i got told that everytime i bent over i`d feel his feather
duster tickle me arse.So i declined that offer.In fact i took a picture of
a model in a photo frame to work & put it on my desk & told him it was my
girlfriend even though i was single at the time.But after i`d ruined a
lifelong company they politeley got rid off meDaft bastards shouldn`t have
put me in acounts anyway.For one i can`t add up.”
Ozzie - "What did you do after that ?"
Gary - "I was unemployed for a week,then i got a call from British Rail as
it was called then & invited for an interview.Went for the interview & at
the time British Rail were taking any scrote off the street because they
were so short of staff due to their reputation.The interview consisted of
"What`s your name,were you from,when can you start ?”
Ozzie - "You`ve never drove a train to Hadfield have you?"
Gary - "Can i take the fifth ammendment on that please?"
Ozzie - "What was you doing on the railways?"
Gary - "Well to be honest with you i did a bit of everything really.It was
boring but it was easy.The only energy i use up is in bed with the missus
& in the wrestling ring for 10 minutes.I went to the railways because i`m
pretty bone idle.I was there 15 years in all and spent the last 5 opf them
on night shift.It was fucking easy.What we did was,order a pizza.Take a
pop bottle filled with WKD so that it looked like Irn Bru because you
weren`t allowed to drink.Set a TV & video up & watch Buffy The Vampire
Slayer episodes 1-7.Put a dartboard up & have a game of darts.Set the
playstation up UEFA Champions League and have a game of that"
Ozzie - "What was you supposed to be doing ?"
Gary - "Cleaning trains.We used to look at them & say "That`s not so
bad.It`ll pass.Fuck it get pizza & tele on & settle down.It was a little
staining having to get out of bed for 10 o`clock at night but i managed"
Ozzie - "Then you got into wrestling.Why ?"
Gary - "Well i saw a poster in a shop window advertising wrestling.I
looked at it & saw some of the wrestlers & though "What a bunch of
wankers.I coiuld take them to the cleaners.So i went down did some
training and within my second show i was holding the NWPWA Heavyweight
title.Which i`ve held twice as well as 3 times tag-team champion.In all
thruth i`ve never looked back & i`m honestly doing something i enjoy now"
Ozzie - "Who was your early wrestling influences?"
Gary -"Well i saw it on TV first and the likes of Hogan,Undertaker,Psycho
Sid are what got my pulse racing"
Ozzie - "Who is the best wrestler at this present time?"
Gary - "Without a shadow of a doubt ME.You have got to have an ego.But i`m
a good guy but i`m a crowd pleaser.I go out there and the crowd know
they`re going to be entertained.I get the microphone & go into the crowd.I
don`t just go in the ring,do it then walk out.I come out & have a chat
with the crowd.Sit kids on me knee & girls on me knee"
Ozzie - "Isn`t that a little bit dodgy?"
Gary -"Well it is suppose.Especially as i`m wearing boots & lycra at the
time.But they do seem to appreciate it"
Ozzie - "What does the future hold for wrestling ?"
Gary - "Well British wrestling is on it`s way back"
Ozzie - "Tally Ho Kaye & Mark "Rollerball" Rocco are coming back?
Rollerball would have battered you wearing his slippers would he not?.I`d
even go as far to say that the deaf & dumb bloke Alan Kilby would have
snotted you all over the gaff"
Gary - "Being honest i don`t think there`s anyone around capeable of
snotting Gary Wild these days"
Ozzie - "Why did you drop the Dr Dream name?"
Gary - "This is the true story so consider it an exclusive for Mudhutter
Magazine.The press did it as a story about my name not being registered
and then being coppied by a bad-guy group.But the truth is i was sick of
having such a fucking gay name as Dr Dream.I was pissed off with it.I
thought i wanted to up my image and wanted someting dynamice and "In Yer
Ozzie - "Where did Dr Dream come from?"
Gary - "Thompson Twins song.I`m a big fan of `80`s music & they had a hit
in i think `83 with "Don`t mess with Dr Dream".I used it as my entrance
music so i probably owe them about 6 grand in royalties.Fuck `em."
Ozzie - "Who is your entrance music now?"
Gary - "Wild Boys - Duran Duran"
Ozzie "When you next wrestling?"
ine Gary - "The next show is 12th November at Mr Earls in Ince.We actually
have the original UK Undertaker,a guy who plays Sargeant Slaughter.We have
2 guys from TV Andy Hogg & Dirk Feelgood (who is a real life GP by trade
but wrestles at night).Tickets can be purchased at a reduced rate from
Yesterdays Yubnubs in Fleet Street Pemberton.Or you can pay on the
night.Fuck off Osbourne i`m getting a plug in.I`m not doing this for nowt"
Ozzie - " Now the serious questions - The questionairre"
Gary - "Fire away"
Ozzie - "Wht was the texture of your last shit?"
Gary - "To be honest i suffer from irritable bowel syndrom so my shit
vary.The last one was tough & lumpy & you find out that sometimes after
wiping your arse you find a bit of blood on the bogroll"
Ozzie - "Finton suffers with that. ( Cue Finton shouting “Get fucked. I
don’t… ) He used to think he`d knicked his ringpiece on a piece of
unchewed crisp or chip.I bet he`s got irritable bowel syndrome eh"
Gary - "He most probably has"
Ozzie - "Does Andy Bell deserve to die ?"
Gary - "Now i know a lot of people think he does but i`ve actually met him
in a hotel i was staying in Manchester.I met him & Vince Clark.Both were
very nice blokes but Andy really was a screaming gay.There`s no getting
out of that.He was polite though.He didn`t touch me arse or anything like
Ozzie - "What would consitute a perfect Sunday breakfast?"
Gary - "Wake up,stretch,scratch bollocks.The missus brings the breakfast
tray in.Large mug of Dowe Egberts i`m drinking at the moment.I can`t be
seen drinking shit what with me being a wrestler.At leat 3 pork sausages
fried so that one side of the sausage is darker than the other.2 snotty
eggs.They have GOT to be runny.If you are going to dip things in the egg
the snot has to go all over the place.No point me dipping and the yellow
of the egg staying motionless.I`m just wasting my energy there.Beans in
abundance.I fucking love beans.Toast with loads of butter on filled with
everything on your plate.Like a little breakfast package.
Ozzie - "How many rahsers of bacon?"
Gary - "If it`s under 5 then don`t bother bringing the fucker to me"
Ozzie - "Do you know where The Cheeky Girls operate?"
Gary - "No idea"
Ozzie - "Are you a hooligan & if so what kind ?"
Gary - "I`m a controlled hooligan"
Ozzie - "Should we have a monarchy?"
Gary - "Absolutely not.Waste of time.America doesn`t have one.It`s a
bigger & better country.I love being English but i see royalty as awaste
of taxpayers money.
Ozzie - "From 1-10 how do you rate the Keane album?"
Gary - "Have to say 0.Never heard it but they sound soppy tallentless
Ozzie - "Do you take a plate or bowl to the chippy?"
Gary - "To be honest i`ve seen this act of commoness on plenty of
occasions & i`ve got top say NO.I like splashing out that bit extra on a
tray for one reason.If you take your bowl and you put your head in at the
end to lick all the shit off,you get gravy & pea wet all over your fucking
forehad & nose.With a tray you can break it in two and get all the licky
Ozzie - "If you were single would you marry a Thai bride?"
Gary -"No,not really my cup of tea.I do like English women especially
common Wigan girls because they don`t expect a lot.You tell them "Ooooh
you look nice in that" & the silly bastards believe you.Anything to get my
Ozzie - "Should we re-intrduce corporal punsishment in schools? Should we
cane these hooded chaves until their fucking skin falls off their hands?"
Gary - "Funnily enough we have a wrestler named Corporal Punishment in our
alliance.I like him,he`s a good guy & causes a lot of pain.If kids are
going down the wrong road at school then let`s give them a whipping.I go
the fucking shit beat out me at school and it did me no harm.You on the
other hand Osbourne were different.You thrived off the cane.
Ozzie - "Crumpets / Potato Cakes or Scotch Pancakes?"
Gary - "No qualms.Crumpets every time.Best butter on top.Fucking heaven"
Ozzie - "If you could release a murdered from prison,who would it be.I
mean release them for comedy effect not because you think they are
Gary -"Yorkshire Ripper.But let him stay for a fortnight in different
counties so that he could become The Hampshire Ripper & The Cornwall
Ripper.The move to London & kill all of them.
Ozzie - "What`s your favourite porn stars nickname ?"
Gary - "There`s only one person that could be & that is Ron "The Hegdhog"
Ozzie - "If you could choose one song to go on a compilation album what
would it be?"
Gary - "I`d pick a soppy one here."Wind beneath my wings" because i once
saw Cannon & Ball sing it in Blackpool & it`s stuck in my head"
Ozzie - "Why do mongols always want to shake hands?"
Gary - "Not sure.Maybe it reminds them of when they go the bog & shake
their dicks the fucking sex crazed bastards"
Ozzie - "Right Gary,you used to have an unhealthy hobby of having your
photo taken with different celebrities.How would your stalking compare
with that of the legendary Kev Sedgwick?"
Gary - "I`m proud of a lot of things i do but Kev leaves me for dead on
the stalking front.He sent scissors through the post asking Liz MacDonald
for locks of her hair.Whereas i just put me arm round her for a quick
photo.Wigan actress Georgia Taylor who played one of the Battersby girls
was chatting to me & i said "I hope you don`t think we are all as fucking
puggled as Sedgwick" & she said "No i can see you are a normal human
being".She said he was an absolute fucking headcase.The guy who played Jim
Macdonald used to chase Sedgwick away from the studio every day with
threats of violence.I tried to live up to Kevs legacy but i failed.The guy
is a stalking mega star.
Ozzie - "Final question.Do dogs bum openly & freely on your estate ? If so
have they ever performed on a wall ? And have 2 ever got "coupled"
together & ran around in circles?"
Gary - "Where I live now is lacking in homo dogs.I used to live on
Montrose Avenue & there was a lot of gay dogs around the area.They used to
meet up on a park and shit & piss then smell one another before coupling
up.I have seen 2 coupled dogs in motion.One dog who visited we named "Owd
3 Legs" because the poor cunt had a front leg missing.But he used to climb
on & hold on with one fucking paw over the takers back.And i`ve got a gay
cat who lives next door to me now named Pilchard"
So there you have it.
The man, the myth, the wearer of impossibly tight spandex & neighbour of
homosexual felines. Gary, the members of Swinemagazine salute you. Bravo