“Knowing me Ozzie Osbourne, Knowing Father  Finton ( Aha… )”

A WN5 Production.

An afternoon with the one & only Gary Wild.

In the course of a journalistic lifetime, it’s very rare you gets the chance to meet with a true sporting hero. Yet, this week the two of us got the opportunity & by God, we siezed it with both hands. I’m gonna reel a few names off to you now….Hulk Hogan. The Ultimate Warrior. Triple H. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Johnny Kwango. Mick McManus. The Royal Brothers ( were they really siblings? ). Can you see where we’re going with this one? Yes, that’s right, it’s the octane fuelled thrill a minute world of Wrestling, the kind they dish out at The Monaco Ballroom & Aspull Labour Club ( usually followed by full page spreads in the Wigan Evening Post complaining about the language ). It’s a world inhabited by big men with big cohonas & in this world, there are few bigger than the one & only Gary Wild ( formerly Dr Dream ) who is one of the reigning champs of the North West Pro Wrestling Alliance ( NWPWA ).

Now, all great warriors need their temples where they hone their bodies to perfection ready for the heat of battle & the two of us set about tracking down Gary’s. The monks had their temple at Shaolin, Tommy Hearns had the Kronk gym in Detroit. Even Ernie Gradwell had his own place in Ince. However, this being Swinemagazine & the athlete in question being Gary Wild, things were slightly different. Firstly, Gary doesn’t actually train in a traditional sense. He poh pooh’s traditional methods such as a cardio & weights programme in favour of plenty of roids & good old fashioned home cooking. So a few phone calls were made to his charismatic manager Wildcat ( aka Elvis ) & the two of us headed up Loch St, past Ken’s then onto downtown Fleet Street into Yesterdays Yubnub ( aka “The Star Wars Shop” ) armed only with our wits & a dictaphone that was actually older than Dennis Norden. The quest was over. We had Gary in our midsts……

Now, we’ve a slight confession to make here. We go back a long way with Gary & was even good mates with him at school. However, that was back then, way before Gary’s star was in the ascendancy & his face adorned posters outside Wallgate Station & the Late Shop in Pemberton. Would success have changed him? Would he be a prima donna & throw a hissy fit? Thankfully, no & pausing only momentarily whilst i described all things Sci-fi as “shit”, we cracked on with the interview :

Ozzie - "Right Gary let`s start with your school education.What can you remember about it ?"

Gary - "I like how you use the word "education".That`s NOT what i went for.I went for fun basically.It was a place to meet my mates.It was like an extended youthclub for 5 days a week really.The teachers knew but they didn`t give a fuck or if they did they were too scared to tell our lot."

Ozzie - "What teachers to you remember ?"

Gary -" There were a lot of great treachers.At Pemberton Middle there was Joe Soap AKA Mr Sandiford.He was the metalwork teacher who had a slight resemblence to the scarecrow from Wizard Of Oz.He taught us all the delights of gumtragacanthy & perspex shapes.Fuck about at your peril though.If you was trying to burn someones hair off with the blowtorch,to stop you,he`d put his foot on the bench and then twat a ball pane hammer down hard as fuck.The room would freeze.After you had all stopped pissing he`d call the culprits over and give them the bollocking of their lives.The greatest ever Sandiford story is when he was telling all the class how only HIM and Mr Atkinson were allowed to work the circular saw for cutting wood.He then gave us a demonstration.Without hesitation he sliced the top of his middle finger off.Blood everywhere.The funny thing is though,the class was more concerned about the school disco that night than his finger.Mr Sandifor was the DJ.Fuckin hell we thought.Word later got round the school that he was home from hospital and the disco would go ahead.When we arrive at the disco we get inside and Mr Sandiford i swear to fucking God is behind the decks with a sling around his neck that is attached to his middle finger.Laugh ? I thought i`d need a fucking doctor.Good teacher though.
We then went to Whitley High which i would label as my main battleground.Mrs Rignall was our sociology teacher.Looked like Aunt Sally.Soft as shit too.I remember Osbourne farting at our desk one day then shouting her over.She took one lungful of his fart & ran out the room being sick.She was stood on the balcony wafting her now green face.Fucking priceless.I also remember me & Osbourne going into the cookery store room ans shoving our fingers in the pies.Then robbing the best one.

Ozzie - "Do you remember Mr Calderbank ?"

Gary - "I remember him VERY well.Mr Calderbank was an absolute prat.He was in a world of his fucking own.He took us for a day trip to North Western Station in Wigan & we ran off over the iron bridge. Then you Osbourne,you broke into the room where they keep the platform tannoy microphone & called Mr Calderbank a fucking wanker all over the platform.And you ate the blokes packed lunch who works in that room.Poor cunt."

Ozzie - "You left school.What was your early employment ?"

Gary - "Well my first ever job was a YTS.I fell for the trap of being paid 27pound 30p a week in of all places Scouseland Liverpool.Now i can`t stand Scouser and they can`t stand me because i make it known.All i did was sit in a classroom & eye all the birds up.I went into the clerical side of things because the girls were there and i could lech after them day after day. After i left there i got a job in Wigan at "Keep Britain Tidy".Now funnily enough they gave me a job in accounts & after 8 weeks it went bankrupt.That`s the Gods honest truth.It was then taken over by the "Tidy Britain" group who decided that they`d had enough of me & fucked me off quicksmart.The boss (i`ll not mention his name) was from Brighton & he was gay.He offered me a job of cleaning his house at weekends for extra money.But i got told that everytime i bent over i`d feel his feather duster tickle me arse.So i declined that offer.In fact i took a picture of a model in a photo frame to work & put it on my desk & told him it was my girlfriend even though i was single at the time.But after i`d ruined a lifelong company they politeley got rid off meDaft bastards shouldn`t have put me in acounts anyway.For one i can`t add up.”

Ozzie - "What did you do after that ?"

Gary - "I was unemployed for a week,then i got a call from British Rail as it was called then & invited for an interview.Went for the interview & at the time British Rail were taking any scrote off the street because they were so short of staff due to their reputation.The interview consisted of "What`s your name,were you from,when can you start ?”

Ozzie - "You`ve never drove a train to Hadfield have you?"

Gary - "Can i take the fifth ammendment on that please?"

Ozzie - "What was you doing on the railways?"

Gary - "Well to be honest with you i did a bit of everything really.It was boring but it was easy.The only energy i use up is in bed with the missus & in the wrestling ring for 10 minutes.I went to the railways because i`m pretty bone idle.I was there 15 years in all and spent the last 5 opf them on night shift.It was fucking easy.What we did was,order a pizza.Take a pop bottle filled with WKD so that it looked like Irn Bru because you weren`t allowed to drink.Set a TV & video up & watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer episodes 1-7.Put a dartboard up & have a game of darts.Set the playstation up UEFA Champions League and have a game of that"

Ozzie - "What was you supposed to be doing ?"

Gary - "Cleaning trains.We used to look at them & say "That`s not so bad.It`ll pass.Fuck it get pizza & tele on & settle down.It was a little staining having to get out of bed for 10 o`clock at night but i managed"

Ozzie - "Then you got into wrestling.Why ?"

Gary - "Well i saw a poster in a shop window advertising wrestling.I looked at it & saw some of the wrestlers & though "What a bunch of wankers.I coiuld take them to the cleaners.So i went down did some training and within my second show i was holding the NWPWA Heavyweight title.Which i`ve held twice as well as 3 times tag-team champion.In all thruth i`ve never looked back & i`m honestly doing something i enjoy now"

Ozzie - "Who was your early wrestling influences?"

Gary -"Well i saw it on TV first and the likes of Hogan,Undertaker,Psycho Sid are what got my pulse racing"

Ozzie - "Who is the best wrestler at this present time?"

Gary - "Without a shadow of a doubt ME.You have got to have an ego.But i`m a good guy but i`m a crowd pleaser.I go out there and the crowd know they`re going to be entertained.I get the microphone & go into the crowd.I don`t just go in the ring,do it then walk out.I come out & have a chat with the crowd.Sit kids on me knee & girls on me knee"

Ozzie - "Isn`t that a little bit dodgy?"

Gary -"Well it is suppose.Especially as i`m wearing boots & lycra at the time.But they do seem to appreciate it"

Ozzie - "What does the future hold for wrestling ?"

Gary - "Well British wrestling is on it`s way back"

Ozzie - "Tally Ho Kaye & Mark "Rollerball" Rocco are coming back? Rollerball would have battered you wearing his slippers would he not?.I`d even go as far to say that the deaf & dumb bloke Alan Kilby would have snotted you all over the gaff"

Gary - "Being honest i don`t think there`s anyone around capeable of snotting Gary Wild these days"

Ozzie - "Why did you drop the Dr Dream name?"

Gary - "This is the true story so consider it an exclusive for Mudhutter Magazine.The press did it as a story about my name not being registered and then being coppied by a bad-guy group.But the truth is i was sick of having such a fucking gay name as Dr Dream.I was pissed off with it.I thought i wanted to up my image and wanted someting dynamice and "In Yer Face"

Ozzie - "Where did Dr Dream come from?"

Gary - "Thompson Twins song.I`m a big fan of `80`s music & they had a hit in i think `83 with "Don`t mess with Dr Dream".I used it as my entrance music so i probably owe them about 6 grand in royalties.Fuck `em."

Ozzie - "Who is your entrance music now?"

Gary - "Wild Boys - Duran Duran"

Ozzie "When you next wrestling?"
ine Gary - "The next show is 12th November at Mr Earls in Ince.We actually have the original UK Undertaker,a guy who plays Sargeant Slaughter.We have 2 guys from TV Andy Hogg & Dirk Feelgood (who is a real life GP by trade but wrestles at night).Tickets can be purchased at a reduced rate from Yesterdays Yubnubs in Fleet Street Pemberton.Or you can pay on the night.Fuck off Osbourne i`m getting a plug in.I`m not doing this for nowt"

Ozzie - " Now the serious questions - The  questionairre"

Gary - "Fire away"

Ozzie - "Wht was the texture of your last shit?"

Gary - "To be honest i suffer from irritable bowel syndrom so my shit vary.The last one was tough & lumpy & you find out that sometimes after wiping your arse you find a bit of blood on the bogroll"

Ozzie - "Finton suffers with that. ( Cue Finton shouting “Get fucked. I don’t… ) He used to think he`d knicked his ringpiece on a piece of unchewed crisp or chip.I bet he`s got irritable bowel syndrome eh"

Gary - "He most probably has"

Ozzie - "Does Andy Bell deserve to die ?"

Gary - "Now i know a lot of people think he does but i`ve actually met him in a hotel i was staying in Manchester.I met him & Vince Clark.Both were very nice blokes but Andy really was a screaming gay.There`s no getting out of that.He was polite though.He didn`t touch me arse or anything like that"

Ozzie - "What would consitute a perfect Sunday breakfast?"

Gary - "Wake up,stretch,scratch bollocks.The missus brings the breakfast tray in.Large mug of Dowe Egberts i`m drinking at the moment.I can`t be seen drinking shit what with me being a wrestler.At leat 3 pork sausages fried so that one side of the sausage is darker than the other.2 snotty eggs.They have GOT to be runny.If you are going to dip things in the egg the snot has to go all over the place.No point me dipping and the yellow of the egg staying motionless.I`m just wasting my energy there.Beans in abundance.I fucking love beans.Toast with loads of butter on filled with everything on your plate.Like a little breakfast package.

Ozzie - "How many rahsers of bacon?"

Gary - "If it`s under 5 then don`t bother bringing the fucker to me"

Ozzie - "Do you know where The Cheeky Girls operate?"

Gary - "No idea"

Ozzie - "Are you a hooligan & if so what kind ?"

Gary - "I`m a controlled hooligan"

Ozzie - "Should we have a monarchy?"

Gary - "Absolutely not.Waste of time.America doesn`t have one.It`s a bigger & better country.I love being English but i see royalty as awaste of taxpayers money.

Ozzie - "From 1-10 how do you rate the Keane album?"

Gary - "Have to say 0.Never heard it but they sound soppy tallentless twats."

Ozzie - "Do you take a plate or bowl to the chippy?"

Gary - "To be honest i`ve seen this act of commoness on plenty of occasions & i`ve got top say NO.I like splashing out that bit extra on a tray for one reason.If you take your bowl and you put your head in at the end to lick all the shit off,you get gravy & pea wet all over your fucking forehad & nose.With a tray you can break it in two and get all the licky off it.

Ozzie - "If you were single would you marry a Thai bride?"

Gary -"No,not really my cup of tea.I do like English women especially common Wigan girls because they don`t expect a lot.You tell them "Ooooh you look nice in that" & the silly bastards believe you.Anything to get my rocks off.

Ozzie - "Should we re-intrduce corporal punsishment in schools? Should we cane these hooded chaves until their fucking skin falls off their hands?"

Gary - "Funnily enough we have a wrestler named Corporal Punishment in our alliance.I like him,he`s a good guy & causes a lot of pain.If kids are going down the wrong road at school then let`s give them a whipping.I go the fucking shit beat out me at school and it did me no harm.You on the other hand Osbourne were different.You thrived off the cane.

Ozzie - "Crumpets / Potato Cakes or Scotch Pancakes?"

Gary - "No qualms.Crumpets every time.Best butter on top.Fucking heaven"

Ozzie - "If you could release a murdered from prison,who would it be.I mean release them for comedy effect not because you think they are innocent?"

Gary -"Yorkshire Ripper.But let him stay for a fortnight in different counties so that he could become The Hampshire Ripper & The Cornwall Ripper.The move to London & kill all of them.

Ozzie - "What`s your favourite porn stars nickname ?"

Gary - "There`s only one person that could be & that is Ron "The Hegdhog" Jeremy.

Ozzie - "If you could choose one song to go on a compilation album what would it be?"

Gary - "I`d pick a soppy one here."Wind beneath my wings" because i once saw Cannon & Ball sing it in Blackpool & it`s stuck in my head"

Ozzie - "Why do mongols always want to shake hands?"

Gary - "Not sure.Maybe it reminds them of when they go the bog & shake their dicks the fucking sex crazed bastards"

Ozzie - "Right Gary,you used to have an unhealthy hobby of having your photo taken with different celebrities.How would your stalking compare with that of the legendary Kev Sedgwick?"

Gary - "I`m proud of a lot of things i do but Kev leaves me for dead on the stalking front.He sent scissors through the post asking Liz MacDonald for locks of her hair.Whereas i just put me arm round her for a quick photo.Wigan actress Georgia Taylor who played one of the Battersby girls was chatting to me & i said "I hope you don`t think we are all as fucking puggled as Sedgwick" & she said "No i can see you are a normal human being".She said he was an absolute fucking headcase.The guy who played Jim Macdonald used to chase Sedgwick away from the studio every day with threats of violence.I tried to live up to Kevs legacy but i failed.The guy is a stalking mega star.

Ozzie - "Final question.Do dogs bum openly & freely on your estate ? If so have they ever performed on a wall ? And have 2 ever got "coupled" together & ran around in circles?"

Gary - "Where I live now is lacking in homo dogs.I used to live on Montrose Avenue & there was a lot of gay dogs around the area.They used to meet up on a park and shit & piss then smell one another before coupling up.I have seen 2 coupled dogs in motion.One dog who visited we named "Owd 3 Legs" because the poor cunt had a front leg missing.But he used to climb on & hold on with one fucking paw over the takers back.And i`ve got a gay cat who lives next door to me now named Pilchard"

So there you have it.

Gary Wild.

The man, the myth, the wearer of impossibly tight spandex & neighbour of homosexual felines. Gary, the members of Swinemagazine salute you. Bravo Sir……