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My Early Courting Days
by Ozzie Osbourne aged 16 & 3/4
Some of my earliest & funniest memories were of being about 11 or 12 & going over the Cardboard Hills with 2 sisters of terrible reputation named The Sharrocks who were sporting Indian ink dots on their knuckles & a tear in the corner of their eye by the age of 11. They were ably assisted by their friend who was shall we say a "loose young woman'". We’d arrange in school to meet up with them around 6pm to finger them & get wanks in return. I’ll never forget that day in the summer when me & Goddard turned up with a bottle of thunderbird. We’d got dressed up in best jeans & shirt only for Goddard to casually lay back on top of the hill & rest his elbow in a pile of shit. The look of horror on his face as he sniffed it & shouted "It’s human shit" & then looking down to see a dock leaf that had been used as makeshift shit paper will live with me if I live to be a hundred.
Then I was unlucky enough to start my first relationship which lasted over a week. I met a girl from Maximes when I was 16. She was from Goose Green & almost every night I’d walk from WN5 down Enfield Street then onto Billinge Rd before tackling the inappropriately named Little Lane which is about 5 miles long. As I turned onto Warrington Rd I’d often think "This would make a fucking fantastic love story. WN5 boy with no arse in his trousers & odd socks on walking past the vinegar factory to see his rather posh non council estate WN3 lass. Like a Hovis advert for the unemployed". My bird who I shall refer to as A was 15 but I got on with her parents & family great even though her Dad had a look of the Yorkshire Ripper & amazingly enough was a truck driver. So much so I once got so drunk I was sick all over their house & then all the way home in a taxi at treble fare on Christmas day which they paid for.
On Sundays A`s parents would go to the Freemasons so we’d have the house to ourselves so I could practice my premature ejaculation. I’d often leave about 10. 30 just before her parents came back & started talking shit to me. One night as A was on the couch I said "I’m off now. See you tomorrow". Gave her a kiss then went out the door. Or so she thought. I crept upstairs into her room & hid in her wardrobe & left a shoe on the floor. I was there about an hour before she came into the room & decided to put the shoe away. I roared like a fucking lion. Laugh ?? I nearly fucking collapsed. All in all she was a great girl but she was always going to come second to ecstasy. She used to give me 2 quid if it was raining for a taxi home. I used to tell the driver to tell me when it was 1. 40 then get out & call the chippy with the change.
On Fridays she would go babysitting for her next door neighbours Mick & Lynne. I’d usually turn up an hour after they’d left the house & then smash my bird all over the house . "Boo booo hiss hiss Osbourne" I hear you cry. "Sexcase sexcase hang him hang him hang him" I hear you holla. Fuck off. . If they are old enough to bleed then they are old enough to be butchered. Anyway one night I went to the house with my girlfriend. When I got in the house Mick who looked remarkably like Mick from Magpie shouted me in the kitchen. He said "There’s 6 cans of lager in the fridge Ozzie. You can have them". Then he said "And I’ve left a video on top of the cabinet for you for later". He hadn’t closed the fucking taxi doors & I was lay on the couch with a can in one hand & a cig in the other asking my bird to suck me off. She asked what the video was so I said "Mick’s left it for us" so I stuck it on. Within minutes Osbourne & his 15 year old bird were sat on the couch watching hardcore pornography with spunk & quim flying in all fucking directions. My young girlfriend shocked to the core as a rather well blessed man booted some woman back door in whilst another woman licked his arsehole & sucked on his jacket potato. Her fountain pen almost burst over her homework.
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