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WHY DO ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES ENTER THE SOPRANOS DRAGONS DEN
By Bernie Bostik
That fella with the boss eye who does the bbc's finacial programmes: Welcome to a special edition of Dragons Den this week, were we have four very special Dragons for you....
First up, Tony Soprano, he made his millions from his garbage buisness and his successfull butchers shop Satrioles , the shop came in handy when he litrally turned his most fiersest competittors into mince meat.
Next up with have Christopher Moltisanti, Chris rode his luck on the dotcom bubble with his company Wobistics, he now makes his money from writing/directing/producing his own Horror films.
Silvino runs his own strip club and Paulie strangles old people and robs there life savings from under the bed.
Right first up to feel the fiery breath of the dragons we have two chancers from Peckham, who are looking for £12500 for a 33% stake in there 'sell any shit out of a suitcase' company
*Del & Rodney enter*
*Del walks up to Tony Soprano, goes down on one knee and kisses his ring on his pinkie finger then walks backward bending down doffing his cap then he starts with his pitch*
Del : What I have for you here is the offer of a life time. I have a very good contact from Peckham called Monkey Harris who can get his hands on 500 cheap Video recorders. We buy them off Monkey Harris for a pony a go and knock 'em out to the punters at 80 quid ago and with a heathly profit of 27 grand split right down the middle. That means by this time next week you could be walking around with 13 grand on your hip.Everyones a winner......petit de journal.
Tony: sounds good!
*Tony glances at the others Dragons and looks up to the sky*
Tony: What other merchandise can you get? and how far up the ladder can we go, lets say if we were to cut out this middle man, what's his name?
Del: Monkey Harris
Tony : Yeah, cut Monkey out and go to who he buy's his gear off. Do you know who that is Derrick?
Del: well i'm not 100% cosher , but 99 times out of a hundred, he more than likely...... if he can't get any hookie gear anywhere else....... he goes to...
Paulie: just spit it out limey or you'll be spittin your 'Central parks' out.
Sil: wooooooww, central parks? can you expand
Paulie : I've heard our english friends over the pond call their teeth their 'Hampstead Heath' after some piece of grass in London, so I just give it an American twist.
Christoper: it's supposed to rythm numb nuts, Hamstead Heath - teeth...
Tony: enough already, Del here was just about to tell us were all the gear comes from in London weren't you Del ?
Del : that's right Tone me old mukka, as I was saying, most of the iffy gear round our way gets sold by the Driscols.
Rodney: The Driscoll Brothers? You didn't tell me Derrick
Del: oh shut up rodney you tart
Tony: Del, Tell me more about these Driscols?
Del: They can get you anything you want and nothing moves on my manor without the Driscols knowing about it or them taking their cut.
Paulie: one of them isn't a faggot is he*
Tony ; what the fuck you going on about now?
Paulie : back in the 60's T friends of ours went over to do buisness with some big-shots from London, they ended up welching on the deal when they found out one of the limeys mops up his gravy with his left hand...
Silvio: wooooow, no fag talk, not after the Vito problem
Paulie : If you let me finish .Thats what I'm getting at - we don't want Vito around he's bad for buisness, agreed.
Paulie: these limey cocksuckers dont mind taking orders from a faggot, so send Vito over to 'meet' the Driscols, then he can become the bondage king of Soho till his hearts content, just as long as those fat envolvopes keep winging there way across the Atlantic who gives a fuck who earned it.
Silvio: Soho? bondage king? explain this one to me Paulie
Paulie: I seen it on tv some documentary or other
Silvio: what documentary?
Christopher: the documentary of ass fucking thats what, anyway what the fuck are we talking to these gimps for T, the Driscols are the ones we should be hunting down.
Tony :christopher will you shut the fuck up..........I just have one last question for Mr Derrick Trotter of Trotters Independant Traders. How would one make contact with the Driscol brothers?
Del: Thats easy that Tony, they never leave there mums pub in the East End,
Rod: thats right, morning noon & night you'll find them sat at the bar doing buisness.
Del producing a black book from his inside pocket: Hold up. I've just remembered, I've got the phone number to the pub here in me little black book, I was having it away with one of the bar maids........what was her name?........thats it Deirdre
tony: Christopeher go ang get that little black book and Paulie pass me the phone
TFWTBEWDTBFP: Next up for the Dragons we have Stringer Bell from the award wining HBO show The Wire. He is looking for investment of a couple of million for his import buisness.
Stringer Bell: Good afternoon gentleman, what I am looking for is a 2 mil investment and an opportunatly not to be sniffed at. In my top pocket here I have a phone number which is the answer to all your riches. I phone my friend here on the phone and I order x amount of product at x amount of money, then when I get my product I re-package it then it gets re-upped on the street for 25x the price you paid. Right have I got your ears now gentleman......thats right I said 25x.
T:I heard you hood rats had it pretty much sealed up there in Baltimore and getting your hands on 2 mil wouldn't be a problem for you.
SB: youe quite right Mr Soprano
T: Call me Tony
SB: Tony, what I get from your 2 mil is security, I'm going global here, this phone number in my top pocket is a phone number of a well known leutenant in the Cali cartel and he has promised me as much coke as I can fly out of his country for 2000 dollars a kilo, after the product gets broke down and slung on the corners by the hoppers the Kilo is pulling in 50000 dollars.
Sil: how do'ya come by the number?
SB: my nigga Avon is padded up with one of his footsoldiers in Maryland Correctional Institute and there looking for new connections into frontierland. Tony if we pull this off we will bumrush the whole country with the stuff and everybody will by their product from new york - you guys will control the fucking market man, you can make the prices go up and down like its the dow jones.
Christopher:why do you need us a security?
SB: Us hood rats do hood rat things and stay on our corners because thats what were good at. Were as you fellas your 2 mil will be invested into the transport side of things, your job would be to look after the product in Miami then bring it up to New York where you sit on the package, while we get to work by getting the product distributed on every corner in every city all over the good old US of A.
T: Sil get Beenzy on the phone tell him to get two pick ups, christopher & Paulie you can fly down and drive them back
SB with a slight smirk: hold on Tony I asked for your security, that is all, everything else is in place and besides you'd need more than 2 hot pick-ups for the amount of product were gonna be bringing in. We have a fleet of eight car carrier trucks waiting , loaded with brand new cars. For your 2 mil investment - which will turn into 50 mil after a couple of runs - will be used to purchase these vehicles and pay the wages to the drivers. All you have to do is offer them a safe passage to a warehouse in New York.
Christopher taps the end of his nose: I get it, the coke is in the trunk of the cars....hey T these guy's got every base covered.
SB: Yes we have Mr Moltisanti.Thats why you gentleman are involved. No fool in there right mind would try and rob off you fellas, plus I trust you and you've got to have a certain amount of trust in buisness or them dollars aren't gonna roll in...and believe me gentleman if this runs smoothly we will be rolling in it.
T gives the eyebrows to paulie
P: you talk a good game for a corner kid , i'll give ya that.
T: Yep sorry fella but buisness is buisness....
T: Christopher go and get that columbos number and paulie pass me the phone
TGEFWADTBFP: After tworejections off our dragons maybe our third person looking for investment will have better luck. Vick Makey from the Sheild is looking for a few hundred grand to invest in his money laundering operation.
VM: hello gentleman, now I've delt with scum and slime like you before and I've put men like you behind bars.
Sil: wooooow, your a cop
Christopher stands up and gets a gun from the waist band of his gucci slacks: shall I deal with him T?
T: sit down christopher, Paulie put that gun away, let the man speak.
VM: as i was saying I've put scum like you down before, and i won't hesitate again, beleieve me. But what i have hear is a no lose situation,I have 20 million statshed away somewhere, but because the numbers are hot, I can't go down Wiltshire boulavoude and spend my money. What I need from you guy's is a 200,000 dollar loan, then when the 20 mil gets transfered into an offshore account and cleaned into real estate, then I shall return your 200 and give you and extra 500 for your troubles.
T: why you need the 200g in such a hurry?
VM: my partner Lamansky is up on a charge in front of Internal affairs and I need bail money quick - If I don't get the money, his ass goes behind bars and theres some nasty people behind the same bars who he doesnt want to bump into.
Sil: where did you get our hands on 20 million
VM: some Aremania money train and low lifes bit the bullet and their missing millions came with us
VM: Yep, me and my Tactical Unit , we are a tight knit comunity and we are the only ones who now about it. and I'm the only one who knows where the cash is satshed.
T: christopher get me a hack-saw and Paulie go get a couple a rolls of duct tape, I got a feeling we could be here some time.
TGEFWADTBFP: Well thats all we've time for this week and we'll have to leave it there as Tony and the Boys still have plenty of probing questions for Vick.......until next time when we see who wil be entering the Soprano's Den. Goodbye.
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