Home Contact Us Archive              

Swine's Lazy Arse Film Guide

By Alan Metcalfe


Regular readers will be aware of my liking for solo trips to the movies and, already this year, I've caught an embarrassing 9 films in total.  Arsed, though, if I can be bothered doing a comprehensive review of each of them, or deconstructing what the Director was really trying to say.  But, first, a word about the cinemas themselves.  Now, incredible as it may seem to anybody who has ever accepted a lift from me, I do possess one of those green and precious slips of paper, issued by DVLA Swansea, which allows you to drive a motor vehicle, unaccompanied, on her majesty's highway.  So if, for example, something is on at that Vue place, in Cheshire Oaks, I can head over there no probs.  As well as the films, themselves, therefore, I also like to rate the movie-houses on a simple scoring of 'potential for missiles or verbal abuse to a fat baldie on his own'.  Here's what's on the doors so far (the higher the rating, the more moody the venue).

Showcase Croxteth - (8/10)
Cineworld St Helens - (7/10)
Odeon London Road (4/10)
Vue, Wigan Robin Park (2/10 - well-mannered wool hoodies) 
Vue, Cheshire Oaks - (1/10)
FACT, Town (0/10 - hurrah!)


But howzabout the films themselves?  Well  . . .
Balls of Fury
Unadulterated shite.  Didn't laugh once at this godawful 'comedy' (1/10)
Bee Movie
Kiddie animation, but surprisingly 'adult' humour (7/10)
Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium
Okay, so I was getting desperate to see something I hadn't previously seen, but this wasn't too bad, with the Hoffman (6/10)
PS I Love You
8 Couples, plus me, at this tear-jerker rom-com.  Jerker as in wank, I reckon (2/10)
Dan in Real Life
Twee Americana with that Evan Almighty bloke.  Short enough not to nod off (5/10)
Charlie Wilson's War
Hanks and Roberts hamming it up.  Okay reviews, but did nothing for me (5/10)
The Kite Runner
Superb, but a surprising 12a certificate given the scene of male rape and the stoning to death of an adulterer (still, he deserved it.  Boning two women while I can't even get a bird.  Nail 'em up I say, nail some sense into 'em) (8/10)
Walk Hard - The Dewey Cox Story
This was boss, lad, with the references to Rock's rich lineage spot-on.  I laughed my bollocks off at the Brian Wilson parody, whilst the thick bastards around me just looked blank (8/10)
No Country for Old Men
Believe the hype to an extent, but it's one of those films where, when the credits come up, the audience turns to each other with a puzzled look (8/10)




Home | Archive | Contact Us

Copyright 2007 Swine Magazine.   All rights reserved.