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Swine's Lazy Arse Film Guide

By Alan Metcalfe

 

Regular readers will be aware of my liking for solo trips to the movies and, already this year, I've caught an embarrassing 9 films in total.  Arsed, though, if I can be bothered doing a comprehensive review of each of them, or deconstructing what the Director was really trying to say.  But, first, a word about the cinemas themselves.  Now, incredible as it may seem to anybody who has ever accepted a lift from me, I do possess one of those green and precious slips of paper, issued by DVLA Swansea, which allows you to drive a motor vehicle, unaccompanied, on her majesty's highway.  So if, for example, something is on at that Vue place, in Cheshire Oaks, I can head over there no probs.  As well as the films, themselves, therefore, I also like to rate the movie-houses on a simple scoring of 'potential for missiles or verbal abuse to a fat baldie on his own'.  Here's what's on the doors so far (the higher the rating, the more moody the venue).

 
Showcase Croxteth - (8/10)
Cineworld St Helens - (7/10)
Odeon London Road (4/10)
Vue, Wigan Robin Park (2/10 - well-mannered wool hoodies) 
Vue, Cheshire Oaks - (1/10)
FACT, Town (0/10 - hurrah!)

 

 
But howzabout the films themselves?  Well  . . .
 
Balls of Fury
Unadulterated shite.  Didn't laugh once at this godawful 'comedy' (1/10)
 
Bee Movie
Kiddie animation, but surprisingly 'adult' humour (7/10)
 
Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium
Okay, so I was getting desperate to see something I hadn't previously seen, but this wasn't too bad, with the Hoffman (6/10)
 
PS I Love You
8 Couples, plus me, at this tear-jerker rom-com.  Jerker as in wank, I reckon (2/10)
 
Dan in Real Life
Twee Americana with that Evan Almighty bloke.  Short enough not to nod off (5/10)
 
Charlie Wilson's War
Hanks and Roberts hamming it up.  Okay reviews, but did nothing for me (5/10)
 
The Kite Runner
Superb, but a surprising 12a certificate given the scene of male rape and the stoning to death of an adulterer (still, he deserved it.  Boning two women while I can't even get a bird.  Nail 'em up I say, nail some sense into 'em) (8/10)
 
Walk Hard - The Dewey Cox Story
This was boss, lad, with the references to Rock's rich lineage spot-on.  I laughed my bollocks off at the Brian Wilson parody, whilst the thick bastards around me just looked blank (8/10)
 
No Country for Old Men
Believe the hype to an extent, but it's one of those films where, when the credits come up, the audience turns to each other with a puzzled look (8/10)
 
 
 

 


 

 

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