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Swine's Lazy Arse Film Guide
By Alan Metcalfe
Regular readers will be aware of my liking for solo trips to the movies and, already this year, I've caught an embarrassing 9 films in total. Arsed, though, if I can be bothered doing a comprehensive review of each of them, or deconstructing what the Director was really trying to say. But, first, a word about the cinemas themselves. Now, incredible as it may seem to anybody who has ever accepted a lift from me, I do possess one of those green and precious slips of paper, issued by DVLA Swansea, which allows you to drive a motor vehicle, unaccompanied, on her majesty's highway. So if, for example, something is on at that Vue place, in Cheshire Oaks, I can head over there no probs. As well as the films, themselves, therefore, I also like to rate the movie-houses on a simple scoring of 'potential for missiles or verbal abuse to a fat baldie on his own'. Here's what's on the doors so far (the higher the rating, the more moody the venue).Showcase Croxteth - (8/10)Cineworld St Helens - (7/10)Odeon London Road (4/10)Vue, Wigan Robin Park (2/10 - well-mannered wool hoodies)Vue, Cheshire Oaks - (1/10)FACT, Town (0/10 - hurrah!)
But howzabout the films themselves? Well . . .Balls of FuryUnadulterated shite. Didn't laugh once at this godawful 'comedy' (1/10)Bee MovieKiddie animation, but surprisingly 'adult' humour (7/10)Mr Magorium's Wonder EmporiumOkay, so I was getting desperate to see something I hadn't previously seen, but this wasn't too bad, with the Hoffman (6/10)PS I Love You8 Couples, plus me, at this tear-jerker rom-com. Jerker as in wank, I reckon (2/10)Dan in Real LifeTwee Americana with that Evan Almighty bloke. Short enough not to nod off (5/10)Charlie Wilson's WarHanks and Roberts hamming it up. Okay reviews, but did nothing for me (5/10)The Kite RunnerSuperb, but a surprising 12a certificate given the scene of male rape and the stoning to death of an adulterer (still, he deserved it. Boning two women while I can't even get a bird. Nail 'em up I say, nail some sense into 'em) (8/10)Walk Hard - The Dewey Cox StoryThis was boss, lad, with the references to Rock's rich lineage spot-on. I laughed my bollocks off at the Brian Wilson parody, whilst the thick bastards around me just looked blank (8/10)No Country for Old MenBelieve the hype to an extent, but it's one of those films where, when the credits come up, the audience turns to each other with a puzzled look (8/10)
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