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By Roy Batty
Child Genius is a returning series, similar to ITV’s landmark ‘Seven Up’ programme that will document the lives of ten of the UK's most gifted children as they grow up. It became patently obvious from the start that the majority of the parents had serious issues.
Mikhail Ali, now four was only a three year old who got into mensa and had an I.Q. of 137. When they measured it a year later, it was ‘down’ to 136. You could see the parents were visibly sick! He’s getting dumber? He’s fucking four you mongs!
The Grafton Clarke family encouraged the kids to shun the company of other children ‘they’re just jealous, that’s why you can’t mix with them’ and admitted they didn’t mix with adults either (yep, everyone’s jealous of these basket cases). They yakked on about how their son was as clever as anyone boy his age (he was 9), he was an ordinance survey buff (cut to the kid doing a map of Britain, he had Bristol below Cardiff, how I laughed). Find Botton on the map kids.
Peter Williams was the only ‘working class’ kid in the group. Experts in the chess world predict that Peter could be a future 'grandmaster'. At nine years old, he is already Britain's Under-11s Chess Champion, and has beaten some of the country's top adult chess players. He avoids playing other children as they are too easy to beat. Unable to sustain a healthy relationship with school kids or indeed the teachers, his folks pulled him out of school (maily because the school wouldn’t allow for his 20 hour week chess practice) and had him tutored privately. He was great kid but already had issues, saying he preferred the company of adults. The professor who was running the I.Q. tests suggested he goes back to school to interact with other kids, the parents declined. When he was at a chess tournament, he was knocked out by a former amateur champion of Britain, as they walked off, his dad asked ‘why didn’t you use your rook instead of the bishop when he moved his queen out?’. I nearly choked on my coco! To paraphrase ‘The End’ knobhead, he’s just given you a tin-hat (or whatever the chess equivalent is, fools chess perhaps? I’ll check it out).
The star of the show was 11 year old Dante Minghella, great name, great parents just a great kid. With an IQ of 170, a passion for philosophy and a wit that can skewer adults more than three times his age, Dan struggles with self-esteem. He has been judged "supremely gifted" by educational psychologists, and has special interests in neuroscience and alien life. His philosophy on perfection during the I.Q. test was pure gold. No doubt he’ll end up a transsexual though, albeit a whitty one.
Aimee Kwan was a musical prodigy. Aimee was the youngest child ever to be admitted to the Royal College of Music, due to her outstanding gift for playing the piano. She is also a member of Mensa, and has been awarded a scholarship to the Guildford High School for Girls, yet at the tender age of 10 poor Aimee was already beginning to show signs of carpal tunnel syndrome from all the ivory tickling and keyboard bashing. She was quite normal though and her parents didn’t seem to be living vicariously through her.
Adam Napier Smith was 18 months old and could do 200 piece jigsaws; at three he was calculating using long division; and by six he was tackling quadratic equations and trigonometry. But now, he was turning into a mischievous little tyke, well he has a good excuse, he’s 7! The parents had moved house and school three times in his short live. To get him into better, more challenging schools. In the end, his architecture father was knocking off work early to teach the kid a-level chemistry. What? Just buy him a Wii and let him eat three bags of wotsits your wierdos.
Michael Dowling was reading Tolkien and Shakespeare at six. By the age of five he was learning Hebrew and at eight he was studying Mandarin, as well as 'Old Norse', a precursor to the English Language. His mum was an Oxford Don, and kid’s a published author (some Lord of the Ringsesque tome that prog-rockers would lap up
) as well as learning mandarin and cooking medeaville banquets for his mum. He was a character alright but there’s just something strangely unwholesome about a mother who encourages a 6 year old to talk about adult matter, I don’t care if he does have an I.Q. of 170, you haven’t even lived a 10th of your life so you can’t have a sensible conversation on the origin of aids, crystal?
The programme returns to catch up with the super kids in. Everybody thinks that Albert Einstein's IQ was very high, but this is definitely not the case, his adult IQ was just above 160, he didn’t have too bad a career, oh an Sly Stallone has an I.Q. of 165, he wrote Rocky, oh and there's anther Rambo out, which is great…
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