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Put On A Donk On It!

By Phil Thornton 

If you’ve never heard Bolton’s Blackout Crew’s ‘Put A Donk On It’ then watch this…



 Is there anything more hilarious than whoppers who don’t know they’re whoppers trying to act all cool and unwhopperish ( I should know eh?). These nuggets remind me of NDubz who in turn remind me of East17, the very essence of whopperism.  Yet ‘Put A Donk On It!’ has now become Swine’s favourite ironic catchphrase to be used on any occasion.


In the chippy


‘Eh love put on a donk on it!’


At the match


‘Fuck’s sake lad, put a donk on it!’


In the marital bed


‘Go on girl, put a donk on it!’


Even at the funeral of a family member.


‘Father could you please put a donk on it?’


Swine is putting on a donk on everything this year, so fix up, look sharp, catch a Pole with a carp and put a fucking donk on it!


Swine TV


Highlights of this month’s schedule include….


Rex Makin’s Street Solicitor 

Liverpool’s celebrity lawyer takes time out to groom some of the fittest young men in Canny Farm and the Nogger in a bid to turn them into super sharp shooting legal hotshots. Can they master their brief, turn a bent screw and volley a defence witness into the middle of next week?         


Jamie From Space’s Time & Space Continuum

Quantum physics made easy with the ginger headed former Space cadet turned astro-physics professor and bouncer at the Museum’s Planetarium. ‘Dat’s de moon and dat’s fuckin’ Neptune now shut de fuck up or I’ll lash yez!’


Could You Eat Fergus Henderson?

We ask a rat, a dog and an elephant if they could put aside their sentimental attachment to pompous chefs in silly glasses for a while and consider eating Fergus Henderson from snout to toe. Unsurprisingly, they all said ‘no.’

Puppy recipes below for dog scran fans everywhere...


Jacques Peretti – What Really Happened

In which the former Guardian hack and ‘broadcaster’ uncovers a wealth of old information about himself and passes it off as revelatory investigative journalism. After discovering that Michael Jackson is a bit weird, Michael Barrymore is a bit gay and Amy Winehouse likes the odd drug, Jacques now discovers the truth about himself; he miraculously keeps getting commissioned to state the fucking obvious!

far more interesting is Venessa Peretti's discovery that men enjoy looking at beautiful women...who'da thunk it eh?


Coolio’s Radical Feminism Masterclass

The washed up, third rate rapper and Big Brother bully explains the history of women’s liberation all the way from Mary Wollstonecraft all the way through to Mutya Buena.







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