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Booze Police 

By Kirsty Walker 

Kirsty's blog: http://feartheworst.blogspot.com  

The government is preparing to spend £10 million on an advertising campaign telling us how ignorant we are over alcohol limits. Apparently people don’t know that you shouldn’t drink more than a glass of wine a day under any circumstances – much in the same way they ‘don’t know’ not to smoke or eat fast food. Actually you cretins, we all know, but we’re not listening. La la la fingers in ears, shut the hell up.


Stating that government policy units are detached from reality is not the kind of radical thinking that will get me that Pulitzer (and the frequent use of the word ‘cunt’ probably won’t help either), but on which dry, dull planet are these assembled ministers and doctors on? By their reckoning no-one should drink more than a pint a day, a pint representing 3 units. In case you’re one of the ‘ignorant’ knuckle-dragging hooligans which the new Drink Aware campaign is targeting I’ll spell it out for you : a woman shouldn’t drink more than 3 units a day, and a man shouldn’t drink more than 4. So if you have a pint and a half of Stella boys, that’s it for you – time to go home and start sobering up otherwise the government will think you’re a helpless alchy who’ll be shuffling into A & E with a head wound and liver failure within minutes.


Under what circumstances does anyone go out for one pint? And mean it? Only drivers do this, and rightly so. My opinion is that you are going to a pub on a Friday evening after work and you only intend on having one pint you’re taking up valuable space and should just fuck off home with a can and leave the rest of us with shorter queues at the bar. Going out for ‘one’ can be roughly translated as ‘Yes I’ll come to the pub with you and drink until it closes but I’m not going to a club after and I might have some chips halfway through’. It certainly doesn’t mean you’ll drain your solo pint, pat your belly and say ‘Well, that’s it for me fellas, see you next week’. Unless you’re American of course – when they say let’s go out for a beer they actually mean A beer. Lunacy!


If I adhered to the government’s advice on how much to drink, my friends would worry about me. If I got up and left after a single pint of Tetleys, or indeed switched to soft drinks, they’d hold a whispering conference while I was in the toilet. They’d conclude that I was either depressed, on anti-biotics or pregnant. They’d get me a drink while I was away, just to check on my reaction, and if I was on my way out of the door once one pint was drained I’d be bombarded with text messages saying ‘R U OK?’ for the next hour. This may say a lot about me as a person, but it’s not normal to adhere to government guidelines on anything, especially seeing as politicians and doctors are the booziest of all professions. Try keeping up with a GP on a night out – you’ll die, honestly.


Frighteningly all this sabre-rattling from the healthy camp is actually being taken seriously. The Rules of Drinking should never, repeat, never come from official sources. The Code of the Drinker is like muscle memory, it’s handed down through families and can be learned but never taught. There are a few basics – if you throw up, you’ve drunk too much, so stop drinking. If you pass out, you’ve drunk too much, stop drinking. If you’re tired, go to bed. That’s basically it.


Of course there are going to be people who transgress the ancient laws, there are going to be violent people who get more violent when they drink, but that’s what police are for, and these morons are no more going to take heed of a government ad campaign than they are of a Alcoholics Anonymous puppet show or a flip-book called Lenny the Psoriatic Liver. No one who counts drinking with their mates as a hobby is going to change their behaviour one iota because of this campaign. The recent TV ads with the girl acting like Kerry Katona at a party and a guy falling off a scaffolding had a better idea – Know YOUR limits. I know my limits and it certainly isn’t one pint. I’ve been cultivating a four pint average for about ten years and I’m no nearer to AA than Gazza is to becoming a Muslim.


Perhaps what we need is one simple government campaign, something like ‘If you’re a knobhead – stop being a knobhead. If you’re not a knobhead – as you were’. I won’t even charge them for that consultancy. Now, who’s up for a binge drink? Two pints!















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