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Half Man Half Biscuit - CSI Ambleside 

By Peter Grummitt


Another three years have gone by, and it's time for a new album from that great British institution Half Man Half Biscuit.
And, as ever, it's impossible to 'review' in the conventional sense, as you largely know what to expect; a work of genius, orchestrated by the greatest living Englishman, Nigel Blackwell, the Lord Mayor of Birkenhead and the Lord High Executioner of everything from people yet to see "Lord of the Daaaarrrnnccce",  ticker-tape welcomes for Mario Kempes, and men in high-visibility jackets who work for ShowSec or similar.  So, for now, let's just let the songs speak up for themselves.
1. "Equus on the buses, starring Mr ED" - Evening of Swing [has been cancelled]
2. "Checkmate, Dennis Bell of Torquay  . . . Good game sir, do you want another bout?  But Dennis ain't replying, 'cos he's just signed out" - Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess
3. "How so sir, with Tetrus?  Not possible, didn't bring the Gameboy" - Took Problem Chimp to Ideal Home Show
4. "It's hard when I hear all the songs to Maria, when we haven't really done with 'J' - Ode to Joyce
5. "I've got the supermarket sympathy vote, I've got a ten-year old doctor's note" - Blue Badge Abuser
6. "Not long now before lollipop men are called Darren" - Totnes Bickering Fair
7. "Got a triple A dangling from my lanyard.  Wimbledon and Womad, Ryder Cup and V" - King of Hi-Vis
8. "Ever since the chattering classes invaded Hebden Bridge" - Lord Hereford's Knob
9. "He used to lark with the dreads; now he's a nark on the steds" - On the 'Roids
10. "I ring up Dial-A-Pizza and say that's not how I would spell Hawaiian" - Petty Sessions
11. "I'll tell you stuff for nothing, I'll tell you stuff for free.  Shawshank Redemption, five quid, HMV - Little in the way of Sunshine
12. "Take a typical Warlord; psychological nightmare" - Give us Bubblewrap
13. "Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM, involving a tug-of-love custody battle.  Stockard Channing held sway" - National Shite Day
Follow that.  Up to now, it only seems to be available in Probe or by ordering Online.  But get hold of it, whatever you do.  Also recommended are the following imminent Probe Plus releases (ahem) :
Pam Ayres - 'Orses
Thelonius Drunk - Shit-Faced Half Dozen
Roughs with Sticks - Fuck Off Mr Chips
Mao Tse-Tung and the Mike Sammes Singers - You're More Than a Number in my Little Red Book
Shagger MacColl - First Time Ever I Saw Your Mate






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