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By Ozzie Osbourne
Following on from last months shenanigans regarding holidays. . . .
Iíve been on quite a few holidays & also worked abroad a number of times & Iím now going to try to be as specific as I can with some of the events that Osbourne has been involved with.
Majorca - One of the lads who I knocked about with (Stey Melling) always ended up having his birthday abroad as it fell in "Wigan Weeks" so it was custom to end up wankered in some part of Europe. Majorca was also the first foreign destination of Joe Ball. The first night we were there we ended up getting Joe absolutely fucking hammered. Stey said "Here Ozzie, whenever you go to the bar order 3 Heineken & also order 1 vodka & orange for Joe & then get 2 coca cola for me & you. If Joe asks weíll say itís Bacardi & coke". We ended up having 1 Bacardi & coke to Joes 3 vodka & orange. By midnight Joe couldnít walk. We scraped him out the bar & laughed long & hard as he spewed up against a wall for a good 10 minutes. Joe then spent the next 2 days in bed with a hangover. When he eventually emerged from the room he took it upon himself to take Pinís motor bike for a ride. We watched as Joe sped off up the street & then hit the FRONT brake & send himself flying straight over the fucking handlebars. Fucking laugh? I thought I was going to have to get a doctor. Joe limped back with the bike & not only was his elbows & knees grazed, heíd also managed to take ALL the skin off the knuckles on his toes. That night was also Steys birthday and we howled in hysterics as we waited round the hotel pool waiting for Joe. He comes downstairs in a nice shirt, black Farah kecks & a pair of fucking flip flops. He couldnít get socks or shoes over his fucking toes
Benidorm - Surely this will be a favoured choice as Iíd say most readers will have a tale to tell about this place. I went there with Father Finton many years ago & yet again we ended up celebrating Steys birthday. The holiday started off quite relaxing nothing much happened apart from seeing a grown man naked (just walked onto his ground floor balcony bold as brass) & a rather drunk man "jamming" by himself on a dance floor, but after a few days a certain Mr Brian Waite started to entertain us. After a game of "throw everyoneís towels into the pool" Brian was shocked to see that some girls from the hotel had thrown his trainers into the pool. So he fucked of to their apartment, climbed over the wall & then about 10 minutes later walk to the pool dressed in a skirt, boob tube & teetering amazingly in a pair of the girls high heeled shoes. He then paraded alongside the width of the pool before leaping in as the shocked girl looked on. On Steys birthday we did the Leo Sayer. Started boozing dinner time & then got changed & straight out again. However Brian had drunk too much in the afternoon & ended up chasing some rather young Spanish birds around the swimming pool shouting "Umpa Bumpa Bumpa". The owner of Blinkers Bar wound Bri up by telling him that it meant "I really like you?" in Spanish. But judging by the look on the girls face I donít think it did. When we got to the apartment to get changed we heard Bri in the bathroom shouting "Ow ow ow". We rushed in to find Bri bollock naked lay in the shower cubicle with an electric shock shooting from the stereo hitting him on the body. Father Finton also entertained us on one of the first nights by falling for the "Bacardi & coke trick" but he ended up drinking La Mumbas (Brandy & chocolate milkshakes). We carried him to the hotel because he was absolutely cunted, when we go near the hotel we asked if heíd be ok to walk the rest of the way & gave him to room key. He said that he could. So he set off down the street. He got about 10 yards then threw his fucking guts up straight outside a restaurant. Absolutely splattered the pavement. There was families & couples sat there & we could see them pushing their meals away from them. Totally fucking horrified as Fintons dinner was hurled up. Now it seems like I always laugh at others eh? Well here you go. Weíd all been going to Beachcomber Bar each night & generally found it a decent place to pull women. Anyway we kept seeing this BIG Danish lad who insisted on wearing a Viking helmet & walk round shouting "Uuuuurgh I am a Viking!!Ē at the top of his voice. We just sniggered at him each night. Anyway one night he comes over to our table & again shouts "Uuuruurgh I am a Viking" so we just nodded our heads at him. Then he points at me & says "YOU, I see you talk to English girls all the time. I want an English girl. What do I say?" So instantly I reply "Itís easy mate. Just say "Hi ladies, I have a cheesy bell end". So he looks at 2 girls at the side of him & says "Hi gorgeous, I have cheesy bell end" The girls who looked like they were from Toxteth looked at him and said "Fuck off Dickhead!!Ē We fucking pissed ourselves. But he had other ideas. He threw our table over & came straight at me shouting "Fucking English bastard I kill you! Luckily he was stopped from ripping my face off by my rather quick thinking mates. When heíd calmed down & we explained what it meant he did see the funny side & ended up buying us drinks. He then spent the rest of his holiday with us & turned out to be a decent lad although he did drink quite a lot. Also me & Paul "The Roofer" Lindley were pelted with HUGE oranges from a 15th floor balcony of the Pueblo Hotel. One landed straight on our table & smashed the drinks. Security bowled over, saw what happened then went to the room it came from & battered the lads on the balcony with big sticks. Oh & one final Bri Waite tale. One day, Briís dad gets struck down with appendicitis. Being off Norley, he wasn't one for posh pyjamas & the like so had to grab the first pair that came to hand, which happened to be a 16 year old Briís. When the tribe went up to visit that night, his ( hospital issued ) robe clad dad pulled him to one side at the end of visiting time for a quick word. "Brian" he says "there's not a man on our estate can say he's never played with himself. . . . . . . . . . but surely not SO much!!!! " before showing him the pyjamas that had a rather large crusty patch around the genital area.
Butlins Skegness - Went there with a rather large "mob" of Pemberton lads. RR & other handy lads in abundance. First night there & we end up getting plastered in the Star & Garter Club. Thatís when Shaunie Williams & Swedy started to call Rhoden "One-Ball". Went on for over an hour until Rhoden dropped his pants & shouted "Look you cunts Iíve got 2 balls". This resulted in the bloke on the next table saying "Here pal, put it away, my wife doesnít want to see that". Rhoden then turned round & said "Yeah but will you tell these cunts that Iíve got 2 balls. Here look !!". So the bloke got up & gave Rhoden a crack. Thatís when it all kicked off. Before you could say "eunuch" there was tables & chairs flying everywhere. Fucking bedlam. The next morning we were woken up by the managers & informed that we must leave the premises. As we got to the gates the redcoats did a sort of guard of honour. As we walked past them we could see that they had been caught up in the mÍlťe. Because most of them were sporting black eyes/fat lips, cut faces. Fucking booted out after our first night. Big & clever eh?
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