Home Contact Us Archive              

You tell the story I've heard ten times before...

By Bernie Bostik

check out Bernie's blog at: http://blog.myspace.com/berniesrocketsoulmusic

You know the one, boy meets girl, girl rejects boy, boy gets a cob on tale. I was the boy,  Lisa W was the girl and we met on the steps of the Woodies boozer. I did know her from school (she was the first girl I French kissed) so we had history.

I was on me way to our own special corner of the Woodies, were the dead heads passed around doob's and moistened fingers fought other fingers for dabs of 'fast' off little squares of Gratton catalogue pages, that some foolish nieve person put on offer.

She was on her way to the otherside of the Woodies, were all the Hit Man & her brigade supped, waiting for their taxi's to take them to the centre of town to enjoy bars with names like 'The Evergreens' & 'Olivers' before ending up at 'Mr Smiths'.

As I held the door open for her we made small talk and she offered me half a lager and a chat over in the more friendlier side. Sod it, waiting for dog ends on a doob could wait. The lads sneered as I turned left instead of right on entering the pub.

She told me she went Smiths everyweek with out fail, I told her I sit in the Woodies everyweek with out fail. She suggest' me coming with her next week on a trip to Smiths, I hesitantly agree, a peck on the cheek later and she is off in a taxi.

I had a date!... this is the first female that has shown any interest since leaving school. I went back and told the lads...mistake. After the high, the comedown soon hit, what would I wear? My uniform of  sad Warrington market jeans , Dad's denim shirt also sourced from the market and suedies wasn't going to get me past the 'roid heads on the door.

After scouring my Dads wardrobe yet again, I come up with a combination of; chino's (to big) and some light blue shirt with silver tip's on the collar....I kid you not! The footwear was my own pair of black brogues (worn only for interviews and funerals). I looked a right twat as I stood in front of the mirror trying to look cool, while Loyd Cole belted out Rattlesnakes from the record player. If you were to ask some of the lads who seen me, some would say  a gel thing was going on with the barnet, but I rebuke those claims by saying that my hair was just wet, that's all.

It was a blazing evening and everyone was still sat outside the Woodies on the few tables and chairs, after all day drinking in the sun. My mates were also in attendance when I walked around the corner, with the sleeves rolled up on this bad idea of a shirt and  chino's that needed pulling up all the time, which resulted in me having to have my hands in me pockets.

The lads take the piss obviously " It's fucking Haircut 100....all he needs is a jumper round his shoulders". I get inside and meet Lisa, I buy her a drink out of my 17:50 and we get talking. She say's I can go and sit with my mates if I want but I decline, especially with me done up as Nick Haywood.

The taxi arrives and I run the gauntlet to it's doors. The most cutting remark and quite a comical one for a man of such limited intelligence , come's from Abbo's gob "Look out  it's fucking 'Love +1'.....have a  'Fantastic Day' you fucking knob!!" She paid for herself to get in, thank god, but I get the first round in and we go and meet her work friends. They go off dancing and I am left with a table full of Malibu's & coke. I try and smile at the many birds passing by, but it's a false smile as I'm not really enjoying myself.

My enjoyment is dented further when I spot one of the older shirt & tie army from the Woodies with his hands all over Lisa. When she returns for a drink, I ask her what is happening? "What do you mean?....It's not as if we are going out or nothing"......I shout out over a Mel&Kim track "I thought this was like.....like a date like?"...... "err no, I don't think so" she killingly delivered after looking me up and down. With that she was back on the dance floor to get manhandled by cunty. I sat off and tried to get pissed on watered down 4XXXX.

I saw her coming over  near the end of the night and I quickly started talking to the girl who been ignoring me on my right. She informed me she was leaving and she would see me around. I made out I was busy with whoever this was, as I gave her  a nonchalant nod.

I was  twisted up inside, why be so cruel to me?...what a fucking bitch. Those thoughts entered my head  as I walked the 4 miles home alone in my clown get-up.






Home | Archive | Contact Us

Copyright 2007 Swine Magazine.   All rights reserved.