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What's Your Wag?
By Bernie Bostik
check out Bernie's blog at: http://blog.myspace.com/berniesrocketsoulmusic
Right your a 60 grand a week Premiership pigs bladder kicker for a top four club what type of wag would you have on your arm?
1) The Paul Scholes Wag - Straight from the old-school of footballers wife's. The childhood sweet heart, stay at home, full time mum. Wouldn't been seen dead on a red carpet and prefers the company of her kids to the company of the OK and Hello reporters and photographers. If you choose this one you may run the added risk of ending up with a big fat northern lump but at least your dinner will always be on the table, when you get home after a hard day running around some cones.
2)The Redknapp Wag - Ex-popstar babe, not to publicity hungry. Now devouts most of her time between the family, some TV work and her chosen Charities. Quiet girl next door type with a decent brain on her for some intellectual conversation and a good sense of humour. Not forgetting that sexy body for some better bedroom gymnastics.
3)The Bent Wag - Can be found in the Daily Star everyday not wearing much. She's got off with other footballers in the past but that doesn't bother you because you where there when it happened catching it on your camera phone, as you tried to hog-in on a roast in some London Hotel. She's a brainless bimboid who'll fill a gap as you hang around the clubs of London waiting for another Sheridan cast-off.
4) The Career Wag - otherwise known as the Shaggy Wag in honour of Macmanaman's misses. She is the perfect example of a career Wag. A clever, good looking lass with degrees coming out of her ears, who'll never disgrace you in public. In-fact they're very rarely seen out in public not in any places that are likely to catch the eye of the paps anyway. I loved reading that El Macca book were it goes on about him and his bird emersed themselves into the Madrid culture. With his bird talking the lingo and him picking it up quickly, they both got lost in Spanish culture and they could be found out and about in Madrid's art galleries/museums/concerts etc... all done without the attentions of the press who left them alone to enjoy a beautiful city. One snag with the shag wag though is their reluctance to hear the sound of tiny feet running about the Dockland Penthouse apartment, but don't let this put you off.
5)The Career Wag Mk2 - otherwise known as the Coleen Wag. This one has no real talent, hasn't got a job, but makes a career out of being married to you. This one will be to busy bringing out books, perfume and her own range of sanitary towels to look after you. One stumbling block is you will not be able to have a family get together without it ending up in a big free-for-all when your Uncle Billy bites the nose off her Auntie Maureen's face. But you will be able to fuck the living daylight's out of any scabby back street brass without the fear of any reprisals, because after all this one is only with you for the money.
6) The Over-Powering Posh Wag - along the same vain as the Coleen Wag but this one did have a career before meeting you. With her career fading fast she will use your achievements to gain the publics attentions. Be very vary of this one as this model can be quite dominant; she will tell you what to wear, how to have your hair, where you live and which team to play for. The only advantage with this one is while she's away, crawling up Desh's arse in some NY club as she tries to invent herself as some white Queen Latifah type hip-hop queen. You can be back home banging some foxy lesbo chick without having to worry about your bird finding out because you know deep down money means more to her than morals.
7)The Collymore Wag - this one has a fetish for the out doors and especially car parks. This wag also like to fuck your mates in one bedroom, while you watch and wank in another bedroom. You view from a peep-hole in the wall that you made by using the drill you bought from B&Q specifically for that task. She likes to go on benders with other footballers and she can take a good right hook.
8)The Baros Wag - the East European ex brass/model from Prague type. The downside is she can't speak the lingo, can't cook but she can look good and fuck like a rabbit. Likely to embezzle thousands from you account to feed her family and the rest of the village back home in the Czech Republic.
9) The Keano Wag - Very similar to the Scholes & Colly Wag in that she's a stay at home, never seen mother, who can take a good right hook.
10)The Bostik Wag - This one is smart, sassy, classy and sexy. A mixture of the Scholsie good mother and Career Wag. She holds down a job and still manages to look after the family all at the same time. This certain model has a slight malfunction when in drunk mode, it goes on and on and won't shut up. And this one might not be a 100% bona-fidey Wag but she certainly shops and spends like one.
by Bernie Bostik - who's wannabe-wag has started taking a keen interest in his literary work.....as if you hadn't noticed.
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