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Apocalypse (cash) Cow! 

By Iggo


Are you an Assassin……….Willard”



Yes , January 11th 2008, was truly a great day to be alive. My faith in real Liverpool journalism had been restored. Booming headlines on   the front page of the Liverpool Echo   said it all;


“ It is here at last…………..Official……… Welcome to Liverpool, European Capital of Culture 2008,”


but were soon forgotten as inadvertently on nearly every other page of the Echo was to be found a veritable feast of real Liverpool culture; a major drugs bust, record levels of incapacity benefit fraud , Liverpool collection rate for the Community Charge was the worst in the UK…………..and to top it all off on the Echo’s business page  a headline saying “ Work is bad for your health”………….Magnifico!!


As the afternoon and night wore on , there did not seem to be any hiding place from the  levels of garrulous shite emanating from an assortment of Liverpool has-been-but-desperately-wanna-be-again-a be’s Such was the  sheer obsequious nature, it could keep Private Eyes Pseud’s Corner going for years. Every TV channel seemed to be intent on carrying it, C4 to BBC Newsnight.


As the night wore on I thought I had found sanctuary in Radio 5 Live. But even their 10 o’clock phone in, a well researched piece on  ‘Did the McCann’s kill Maddy?, was constantly interrupted as  they kept retuning to Liverpool.


It was their final piece on Liverpool;  a hushed audience but who it was  -  McNabb, McCulloch, Broudie or Wylie -  was hard to tell , as a sombre voice rose from  the auditorium; I only caught


“ As we rebuild this great city, brick after brick, street after street”


The beauty of the radio is it allows for the use of imagination, and all we needed was,


 “ Cow after cow………village after village”


and we would have had Walter E Kurtz’s classic monologue on finally meeting Martin Sheen’s Willard in Apocalypse Now.


Thankfully the radio audience was spared some of the other appalling lowlights; Casey Jayne’s leaping onto the stage. She did not even have to break into Boogie-Woogie BUGLE Boy from Company C.


The horror…………………

The horror………………..was saved for Bingo Ringo  and ‘Liverpool I have Never Left You’


But come on Ringo who the fuck are you trying to kid?? You left Liverpool (again) with approximately half a million in your sky rocket. Not bad for simply dressing up like a pantomime dame.  My  spy tells me that such were the numbers backstage, so far up his backside that  apparently they now form part of his intestines.


A more suitable finale for January 11th 2008? Back to Apocalypse Now; Terminate his command…………Terminate with extreme Prejudice…….Yeah go ed Willard,…………..the fucking lot of them……….







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