Home Contact Us Archive              
 
 

Blog at the Brits

By Anton Chigurh

 

7.03 pm: Greetings from Earls Court, where the great and good of the music industry are currently feasting on their starter of salmon mousse (served in a mini kilner jar with sun blushed tomato and dill cream) and quaffing back fine wine as they wait for the Brit Awards to start.

Not me though, I'm sitting in a boiling hot press room above the auditorium eating soggy sandwiches so I can bring you all the Brits news as it happens.

Which is, at the moment, that show host Ozzy Osbourne was just seen being taken 40 yards in a golf buggy. ROCK AND ROLL! I have not spotted his wife and co-host Sharon yet.

Lets face, the Brits have always been shit and pointless. Is the Brittania music club stil going? Remember they’d temp you with four free cd’s then regardless of wether you ticked the NO, I DON’T WANT YOUR ALBUM OF MONTH AT FULL PRICE SENT TO MY HOME, they always arrived anyway and made it impossible to send back. It was harder to leave than the mafia and the four free cd’s aside, never offered anything you couldn’t get in the many independant record shops that the like of these, HMV and Virgin conspired, successfully, to bury.

With the rise of Britpop in the 90’s, the Brits managed to turn semi trendy with wannabe rock giants turning up to Earls Court coked out of their gord to act out WWF style empty threats to their rivals. Still, it saw off the usual suspects, how many times did the Brits end up with a super group jamming at the end, Phil Collins on drums, Clapton the geet and Mark King playing slap bass, Annie Lennox dressed as Elvis belting out a singalong with Sting.

So anyway, enough reminising, it has improved with the some bands who can actually play, regardless of whether you like them or not, there are more bands that can actually play and aren’t Stock, Aitken rubbish (I think so anyway, I haven’t a Scooby what’s in the charts). Tonight will kick off at 8pm with a performance from Mika and Beth Ditto. Later on in the evening Rihanna is going to do Umbrella with nu-rave band Klaxons (should be interesting), while Kylie, the Kaiser Chiefs and Leona Lewis will be singing for their supper too.

And Amy Winehouse will be playing with Mark Ronson too. And then of course there's Paul McCartney who is ending the show with a medley of his hits. I have the piece of paper with the names on here in my hot little hands. Do you want to know what he's going to play, or shall I not spoil the 'surprise'? I give you a clue, it contains some Beatles songs

P.S awards are going to be doled out by such luminaries as Chris Moyles, Will Young, Michelle Ryan and Alan Carr. Eat your heart out the Grammys!

7.43 pm: I though the place would full of corporate knobs but it is infact full of little rich kids who have more money that the stars they’re here to see. I suppose they’ll make the atmos better as they’ll all be smashed on crystal (not meth, at least I don’t think so).

There still loads of suits, they probably bid for the tickets as they don’t seem like music types. I spot the Arctic Monkeys, wearing tweeds and looking good, and Missy Elliott has apparently bought her own table with her (like, an actual table). She is sitting at it with Lulu. Sir Ian McKellen is sitting with Andrew Llloyd Webber. Yes, I’m bored…

8.04 pm: Mika, who has saved us from the horrors of the ridiculously cheery warm up man who has spent the last 10 minutes telling the crowd to ‘make some noise’. He doesn't seem to realise that the majority of the crowd are city boys not over-excited pop fans. Not that I care, Mika, muppets have more pathos than this hollow-eyed automaton, spewing forth his pubey-headed vignettes hammered fastidiously into turd-like shapes with the wacky stick (*blows kisses to Snaff)

 

To make matter worse, the sound quality is really bad to my ears but... SQUEAL Beth Ditto has crawled out in a garish pink costume for a duet of Standing in the Way of Control. Without her I have a feeling this might have been a distinctly dull Brits opening slot, actually.

8.12 pm: The Osbournes aren't natural television presenters. Actually, take a look at them - is there anything natural about them at all? Mick Fleetwood/Sam Fox flashbacks, I jot in my note pad ‘OZZIE VS ALI AT BUCKAROO – SPEAK TO DON KING’

Chris Moyles, making jokes that have fallen flat, has just handed out the first award of the night to... Take That for best live act, yes Take That – I take back everything I said earlier, maybe they’ll play slap bass at the end with Mika. Jason says he is surprised as he has an arthritic knee and shouldn't be performing anymore. They don't thank Robbie Williams who’s probably in his Château Marmont bungalow with Charlie Sheen black book not giving a fuck

8.17 pm: I am not sure that American superstar Rhianna knew who Klaxons were. She had a look on her face that said 'who are these strange technicolour men with directional haircuts who have climbed on stage with me? And can someone get rid of them, please?'

8.29 pm: Will Young is reading from an autocue. Everybody seems to be reading from an autocue and making no effort to disguise it; you can see why they went into singing and not acting.

Adele, sings like an angel, speaks like an east end market trader, wins the critics choice award and says she isn't going to talk much because "speeches are really boring". She could have at least thanked Lily Allen.

Mika wins British Breakthrough act. Great.

8.34 pm: Kylie has just done her new single 'wow' surrounded by men in multi-colour outfits. It's good, but it's no Golddigger (last year Kanye West went on stage with 70 girls painted gold) - where's the theatre, the glamour, THE DRAMA?

8.42 pm: Everything Sharon Osbourne says she OVERPRONOUNCES. No doubt she’s pissed like she always is on x-Factor, or on pain killers

Kanye West has won best International Male. He hasn't shown up. "I'm sure there is someone who deserves this more than me... but no, I can't think of him. Humility don't work for me!" he says, via videolink. As an afterthought he thanks his fans. Has he had anything out in 2 years?

Sharon welcomes Beth Ditto back on stage and tells us she will be introducing the nominees for "best international British male'.

8.43 pm: Which is won by Mark Ronson, incidentally. Yes, a producer who takes a song, gets a trendy act to sing it with new spin, say reggae, and hey presto! Thing is, a I’ve heard a million better remixes done by kids in their bedroom with free studio software. Mark Ronson!

8.49 pm: Seriously though, not that I want to go on about this, but I think I could do a better job presenting. Yeah. Damn right. I'm going to rush the stage. Like Vic Reeves, or Brandon or Chumba. Or perhaps not. Because Ozzy is on it. Bless Ozzy. He's definitely not reading from an autocue. Not that you could understand him if he was.

Meanwhile, Arctic Monkey Alex Turner is snogging his girlfriend, TV presenter Alexa Chung, as if they were teenagers. Though actually, they may well be now I come to think of it.

9.00 pm: The Osbournes would turn up to the opening of a crisp packet. Could they not have got someone more interesting to present the show? Paxman? At least he’d hurry along the speeches. Or them two smug bastards off Master Chef, dissecting the songs with their special touch.

Best International Female, and it's gone to the woman who could bother to turn up: Kylie. She gets emotional, some one laughs by me and is shouted down by a Kyliephile SHES HAD CANCER, SHOW SOME RESPECT

9.04 pm: I don't care that she won the X-Factor and can be cheesier than a block of cheddar. Leona Lewis is amazing. No fancy set for her during her performance of Bleeding Love, but she blows the room away. Oh I love a good power ballad. Doubt we’ll se her videoed by a camera phone sucking on crack pipe

9.11 pm: Ha, brilliant. None of the people nominated for Best International Group could be at the Brits tonight. Foo Fighters win, and one of them gives a half-arsed acceptance speech.

Good news from James Nesbitt, reading the nominees for best British solo artist... Manchester United are losing! SOCCER, he’s such a lads lad. Kate Nash wins by the way. She makes a good point "this is to all the women who are working to change the misconception that being female is a genre". Quite.

9.14 pm: Foo Fighters win best International Album. Dave Grohl via videolink says that he is thankful to be honoured alongside the likes of "Lisa Loeb, MC Hammer, Shakespeare's Sister, Huey Lewis and the News… these are all people who have won Brit awards."

"Wish we could be there, but we just sold out Madison Square Gardens."

9.19 pm: Most anticipated performance of the night: Amy Winehouse alongside Mark Ronson. She does Valerie and she is amazing if a little agitated - constantly tugging on her hair and her skirt. But then her skirt is very short and her hair is very big. No sign of ching hanging out of her snoz ala Neil Young in The Last Waltz

She's coming back in a moment to do another track, fact fans!

9.20 pm: Someone has just texted me to say "Ronson's 2-neck guitar v Led Zep. Put that in for the old people like me."

9.27 pm: Sir Ian McKellan, earlier spotted chatting to a handsome Trilby wearing 20 something boy, gets up on stage and says: "if you are wondering what I am doing at the Brits, I came to meet Mika." HOLY SHIT! MIKA’S GAY

Best British Group is Arctic Monkeys... they look amazing in shooting gear. They drunkenly stumble up on stage and let off a klaxon (not a band member of said group), before returning to their tables to drink some more.

9.35 pm: Alan Carr, off his face. His own words.

Take That, best British single. I think they are also off their face. Who cares

9.40 pm: Vic Reeves, REALLY off his face. He actually needs help from Sharon Osbourne to remember the category he is presenting: Churchill Insurance rewards safe drivers award, or something

Sharon says "piss off your pisshead, you bastard". Such grace.

Arctic Monkeys win. Truly off their faces, they thank the Brit school. "We had a lovely time there, didn't we?" slurs Alex, who went to school in Sheffield, not at the Brit (winehouse, Kate Nash and Adele all did though). It's a not very subtle finger up at stage school brats.

This is definitely the most drunk segment of the show.

9.59 pm: Ozzy, still definitely not reading off the autocue, mucks up the second bit of presenting he has to do by introducing Sir Paul McCartney five minutes early. But he's still better than Sharon.

Kylie introduces Macca, winner of the Lifetime Achievement Award. Everybody Gonna Dance Tonight, which he starts with is crap, just play the good stuff Macca. The audience are almost comatose it is so dull, an absolutely fitting end to the most disappointing Brits I have had the misfortune to sit through in a long time.

Thankfully, Paul livens things up a bit with Live and Let Die and Hey Jude. Which is perhaps, just perhaps, worth sitting through two hours of Sharon Osbourne. But maybe not - people are streaming out the doors during his performance. I suppose there are only so many times one can sing along to Hey Jude.

Anyway, that's that. Thank you for staying with me

10.03 pm: Hang on... he's doing more! Lady Madonna. PLEASE STOP PAUL, I WANT A DRINK.


Sir Paul just doesn't know when to stop

10.04 pm: And now Get Back. In your box, Paul. Come back Heather, all is forgiven.

10.08 pm: Right. He's finally finished. Goodnight everyone, for real this time.

I’m defo doing the Oscars next year…

 

 

 


 

 

Home | Archive | Contact Us

Copyright © 2007 Swine Magazine.   All rights reserved.