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On The Arm
By Phil Thornton
Tony – You out tonight Ray?
Ray – Yeah, I’m on the arm though.
Tony – So you’re not out then?
Ray – Yeah, I’m out, I’m just on the arm Tone.
Tony – If you’re on the arm then yer not out are yer?
Ray – Technically I am.
Tony – Yeah, technically you are but you’re not OUT out are yer?
Ray – No, I’m not OUT out no, you’re right Tone, not as in out with the lads OUT.
Tony – Which is the ONLY kind of out really lad. Out on the arm is no kind of out at all is it?
Ray – No, not really but to be honest Tone, ANY kind of out will do me these days kidda.
Tony – Even on the arm Ray?
Ray – Even on the arm Tone.
Tony – Sad.
Ray – Too right it’s sad, you said it mate.
Tony – I was out on the arm myself last week.
Ray – Yeah?
Tony – Yeah! Fuckin’ shite it was. Might as well have stayed in.
Ray – Just you and Jenny was it?
Tony – Just me and Jenny lad.
Ray – No-one else?
Tony – No-one.
Ray – What did you say to eachother?
Tony – Fuck all.
Ray – Sounds about right.
Tony – Just sat opposite eachother all night saying fuck all.
Ray – That’s how it is on the arm though isn’t it Tone? You just sit opposite each other all night saying fuck all.
Tony – That’s exactly how it is Ray.
Ray – I don’t know why we bother lad.
Tony – No, neither do I. The only time she booked up was when the fucking match came on.
Ray – Fuckin typical that isn’t it?
Tony – Then all of a sudden I can’t fucking shut the soft cow up.
Ray – They do it on purpose mate, telling yer.
Tony – Oh aye, soon as she hears that Match Of The Day theme tune, it’s all ‘should we move house, d’yer think our Louise has got a boyfriend? where should we go on holiday this year?’
Ray – Holidays are the worst aren’t they Tone?
Tony – The fuckin pits.
Ray – It’s like being on the arm for a full fuckin fortnight.
Tony – Day & fucking night.
Ray – No respite.
Tony – I just read a book.
Ray – Me too.
Tony – Always buy a big fuck off yellow pages one from Smiths at the airport before we take off. Read that da Vinci Code last year.
Ray – Any good?
Tony – Nah shite. Nowhere near as good as the film.
Ray – I haven’t seen it, any good?
Tony – Nah, that’s shite as well but not as shite as the book. I tell yer what though lad, I read it twice, just so I didn’t have to sit there listening to her fuckin’ whining all day long. ‘It’s too hot, put some cream on me back, buy the kids a lolly,’ they never stop do they lad?
Ray – Never fuckin stop lad.
Tony – I took that Don Quixote to Florida the year before that.
Ray – Is that the one about the Columbian gangster?
Tony – Nah, that’s what I thought, I thought it was about that Pablo Escobar and his firm.
Ray – What WAS it about then Tone?
Tony – It was mad. It’s all about this aul fellar who lived years ago in Spain who reckons he’s a knight.
Ray – Sounds shite.
Tony – It is lad. Don’t fuckin’ bother. Gave up after about twenty pages.
Ray – What did you do then?
Tony – Got into that Sudoko.
Ray – Soduku?
Tony – Yeah, sudoku.
Ray – It’s Soduku isn’t it?
Tony – Soduku, soduku, so-fuckin-what-ku?
Ray – Aye aye, I was just saying that’s all.
Tony – Yeah, well, whatever the fuck it’s called, I did a load of em. Well, when I say I did loads of em, I started loads of em. Don’t think I ever fucking finished one.
Ray – Dead hard aren’t they?
Tony – Solid. Never been good at maths me lad. Why I never played darts.
Ray – I tried to do the one in the Sun when I was in hozzy last year. Just to fill the time up like.
Tony – Didn’t know you’d been in hozzy Ray.
Ray – Oh aye, I was laid up for three weeks lad. Had a scare with me ticker.
Tony – Coronary trouble like?
Ray – They thought so, did loads of tests and that but just turned out I had trapped wind in the end.
Tony – Back the chippy then was it mate?
Ray – Too right. Although I’ve knocked back on the ale lately. Got into that red wine caper.
Tony – Me too. The Co-ey’s always got an offer on by us. Good stuff that red wine. Saves us a fortune and the best bit is, she only needs a glass of the stuff and she’s flat out.
Ray – Laughin!
Tony – Is right lad. Got the fuckin’ remote control to meself.
Ray – So you out tonight Tone?
Tony – Me? Nah, not OUT out.
Ray – No?
Tony – Nah! Last time I was OUT out was our kid’s staggy in Dublin.
Ray – Your kid’s staggy in Dublin?
Tony – That’s what I said.
Ray – But I was on that.
Tony – I know.
Ray – But that was two fucking years ago now.
Tony – Two years, is it? Jesus!
Ray – You’ll have to get out more Tone.
Tony – I will lad, you’re right there mate.
Ray – Well, here y’are, I’m on the arm tonight with Sue, why don’t you come out on the arm with Jenny and meet us?
Tony – Then we’ll BOTH be on the arm dickhead.
Ray – Yeah but we’ll be on the arm together, which isn’t really being on the arm is it?
Tony – How do you work that one out?
Ray – Well, Sue and Jenny will be able to keep each other company, talk about the holidays, kids, moan about us and we can watch the match in peace.
Tony – Yeah but I’ll have given up a night out to be out on the arm.
Ray – But you haven’t been out for two years lad.
Tony – I’ve been out Ray, just not OUT out.
Ray – What like OUT out y’mean?
Tony – Exactly.
Ray – So you don’t fancy coming out tonight then?
Tony – Nah, can’t be arsed mate. Few glasses of Chilean plonk and the night’s my own.
Ray – I envy you lad. Later.
Tony – Later lad.
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