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On The Arm

By Phil Thornton 

 

Tony – You out tonight Ray?

 

Ray – Yeah, I’m on the arm though.

 

Tony – So you’re not out then?

 

Ray – Yeah, I’m out, I’m just on the arm Tone.

 

Tony – If you’re on the arm then yer not out are yer?

 

Ray – Technically I am.

 

Tony – Yeah, technically you are but you’re not OUT out are yer?

 

Ray – No, I’m not OUT out no, you’re right Tone, not as in out with the lads OUT.

 

Tony – Which is the ONLY kind of out really lad. Out on the arm is no kind of out at all is it?

 

Ray – No, not really but to be honest Tone, ANY kind of out will do me these days kidda.

 

Tony – Even on the arm Ray?

 

Ray – Even on the arm Tone.

 

Tony – Sad.

 

Ray – Too right it’s sad, you said it mate.

 

Tony – I was out on the arm myself last week.

 

Ray – Yeah?

 

Tony – Yeah! Fuckin’ shite it was. Might as well have stayed in.

 

Ray – Just you and Jenny was it?

 

Tony – Just me and Jenny lad.

 

Ray – No-one else?

 

Tony – No-one.

 

Ray – What did you say to eachother?

 

Tony – Fuck all.

 

Ray – Sounds about right.

 

Tony – Just sat opposite eachother all night saying fuck all.

 

Ray – That’s how it is on the arm though isn’t it Tone? You just sit opposite each other all night saying fuck all.

 

Tony – That’s exactly how it is Ray.

 

Ray – I don’t know why we bother lad.

 

Tony – No, neither do I. The only time she booked up was when the fucking match came on.

 

Ray – Fuckin typical that isn’t it?

 

Tony – Then all of a sudden I can’t fucking shut the soft cow up.

 

Ray – They do it on purpose mate, telling yer.

 

Tony – Oh aye, soon as she hears that Match Of The Day theme tune, it’s all ‘should we move house, d’yer think our Louise has got a boyfriend? where should we go on holiday this year?’

 

Ray – Holidays are the worst aren’t they Tone?

 

Tony – The fuckin pits.

 

Ray – It’s like being on the arm for a full fuckin fortnight.

 

Tony – Day & fucking night.

 

Ray – No respite.

 

Tony – I just read a book.

 

Ray – Me too.

 

Tony – Always buy a big fuck off yellow pages one from Smiths at the airport before we take off. Read that da Vinci Code last year.

 

Ray – Any good?

 

Tony – Nah shite. Nowhere near as good as the film.

 

Ray – I haven’t seen it, any good?

 

Tony – Nah, that’s shite as well but not as shite as the book. I tell yer what though lad, I read it twice, just so I didn’t have to sit there listening to her fuckin’ whining all day long. ‘It’s too hot, put some cream on me back, buy the kids a lolly,’ they never stop do they lad?

 

Ray – Never fuckin stop lad.

 

Tony – I took that Don Quixote to Florida the year before that.

 

Ray – Is that the one about the Columbian gangster?

 

Tony – Nah, that’s what I thought, I thought it was about that Pablo Escobar and his firm.

 

Ray – What WAS it about then Tone?

 

Tony – It was mad. It’s all about this aul fellar who lived years ago in Spain who reckons he’s a knight.

 

Ray – Sounds shite.

 

Tony – It is lad. Don’t fuckin’ bother. Gave up after about twenty pages.

 

Ray – What did you do then?

 

Tony – Got into that Sudoko.

 

Ray – Soduku?

 

Tony – Yeah, sudoku.

 

Ray – It’s Soduku isn’t it?

 

Tony – Soduku, soduku, so-fuckin-what-ku?

 

Ray – Aye aye, I was just saying that’s all.

 

Tony – Yeah, well, whatever the fuck it’s called, I did a load of em. Well, when I say I did loads of em, I started loads of em. Don’t think I ever fucking finished one.

 

Ray – Dead hard aren’t they?

 

Tony – Solid. Never been good at maths me lad. Why I never played darts.

 

Ray – I tried to do the one in the Sun when I was in hozzy last year. Just to fill the time up like.

 

Tony – Didn’t know you’d been in hozzy Ray.

 

Ray – Oh aye, I was laid up for three weeks lad. Had a scare with me ticker.

 

Tony – Coronary trouble like?

 

Ray – They thought so, did loads of tests and that but just turned out I had trapped wind in the end.

 

Tony – Back the chippy then was it mate?

 

Ray – Too right. Although I’ve knocked back on the ale lately. Got into that red wine caper.

 

Tony – Me too. The Co-ey’s always got an offer on by us. Good stuff that red wine. Saves us a fortune and the best bit is, she only needs a glass of the stuff and she’s flat out.

 

Ray – Laughin!

 

Tony – Is right lad. Got the fuckin’ remote control to meself.

 

Ray – So you out tonight Tone?

 

Tony – Me? Nah, not OUT out.

 

Ray – No?

 

Tony – Nah! Last time I was OUT out was our kid’s staggy in Dublin.

 

Ray – Your kid’s staggy in Dublin?

 

Tony – That’s what I said.

 

Ray – But I was on that.

 

Tony – I know.

 

Ray – But that was two fucking years ago now.

 

Tony – Two years, is it? Jesus!

 

Ray – You’ll have to get out more Tone.

 

Tony – I will lad, you’re right there mate.

 

Ray – Well, here y’are, I’m on the arm tonight with Sue, why don’t you come out on the arm with Jenny and meet us?

 

Tony – Then we’ll BOTH be on the arm dickhead.

 

Ray – Yeah but we’ll be on the arm together, which isn’t really being on the arm is it?

 

Tony – How do you work that one out?

 

Ray – Well, Sue and Jenny will be able to keep each other company, talk about the holidays, kids, moan about us and we can watch the match in peace.

 

Tony – Yeah but I’ll have given up a night out to be out on the arm.

 

Ray – But you haven’t been out for two years lad.

 

Tony – I’ve been out Ray, just not OUT out.

 

Ray – What like OUT out y’mean?

 

Tony – Exactly.

 

Ray – So you don’t fancy coming out tonight then?

 

Tony – Nah, can’t be arsed mate. Few glasses of Chilean plonk and the night’s my own.

 

Ray – I envy you lad. Later.

 

Tony – Later lad.

 

  

 


 


 

 

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