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On The Arm

By Phil Thornton 


Tony – You out tonight Ray?


Ray – Yeah, I’m on the arm though.


Tony – So you’re not out then?


Ray – Yeah, I’m out, I’m just on the arm Tone.


Tony – If you’re on the arm then yer not out are yer?


Ray – Technically I am.


Tony – Yeah, technically you are but you’re not OUT out are yer?


Ray – No, I’m not OUT out no, you’re right Tone, not as in out with the lads OUT.


Tony – Which is the ONLY kind of out really lad. Out on the arm is no kind of out at all is it?


Ray – No, not really but to be honest Tone, ANY kind of out will do me these days kidda.


Tony – Even on the arm Ray?


Ray – Even on the arm Tone.


Tony – Sad.


Ray – Too right it’s sad, you said it mate.


Tony – I was out on the arm myself last week.


Ray – Yeah?


Tony – Yeah! Fuckin’ shite it was. Might as well have stayed in.


Ray – Just you and Jenny was it?


Tony – Just me and Jenny lad.


Ray – No-one else?


Tony – No-one.


Ray – What did you say to eachother?


Tony – Fuck all.


Ray – Sounds about right.


Tony – Just sat opposite eachother all night saying fuck all.


Ray – That’s how it is on the arm though isn’t it Tone? You just sit opposite each other all night saying fuck all.


Tony – That’s exactly how it is Ray.


Ray – I don’t know why we bother lad.


Tony – No, neither do I. The only time she booked up was when the fucking match came on.


Ray – Fuckin typical that isn’t it?


Tony – Then all of a sudden I can’t fucking shut the soft cow up.


Ray – They do it on purpose mate, telling yer.


Tony – Oh aye, soon as she hears that Match Of The Day theme tune, it’s all ‘should we move house, d’yer think our Louise has got a boyfriend? where should we go on holiday this year?’


Ray – Holidays are the worst aren’t they Tone?


Tony – The fuckin pits.


Ray – It’s like being on the arm for a full fuckin fortnight.


Tony – Day & fucking night.


Ray – No respite.


Tony – I just read a book.


Ray – Me too.


Tony – Always buy a big fuck off yellow pages one from Smiths at the airport before we take off. Read that da Vinci Code last year.


Ray – Any good?


Tony – Nah shite. Nowhere near as good as the film.


Ray – I haven’t seen it, any good?


Tony – Nah, that’s shite as well but not as shite as the book. I tell yer what though lad, I read it twice, just so I didn’t have to sit there listening to her fuckin’ whining all day long. ‘It’s too hot, put some cream on me back, buy the kids a lolly,’ they never stop do they lad?


Ray – Never fuckin stop lad.


Tony – I took that Don Quixote to Florida the year before that.


Ray – Is that the one about the Columbian gangster?


Tony – Nah, that’s what I thought, I thought it was about that Pablo Escobar and his firm.


Ray – What WAS it about then Tone?


Tony – It was mad. It’s all about this aul fellar who lived years ago in Spain who reckons he’s a knight.


Ray – Sounds shite.


Tony – It is lad. Don’t fuckin’ bother. Gave up after about twenty pages.


Ray – What did you do then?


Tony – Got into that Sudoko.


Ray – Soduku?


Tony – Yeah, sudoku.


Ray – It’s Soduku isn’t it?


Tony – Soduku, soduku, so-fuckin-what-ku?


Ray – Aye aye, I was just saying that’s all.


Tony – Yeah, well, whatever the fuck it’s called, I did a load of em. Well, when I say I did loads of em, I started loads of em. Don’t think I ever fucking finished one.


Ray – Dead hard aren’t they?


Tony – Solid. Never been good at maths me lad. Why I never played darts.


Ray – I tried to do the one in the Sun when I was in hozzy last year. Just to fill the time up like.


Tony – Didn’t know you’d been in hozzy Ray.


Ray – Oh aye, I was laid up for three weeks lad. Had a scare with me ticker.


Tony – Coronary trouble like?


Ray – They thought so, did loads of tests and that but just turned out I had trapped wind in the end.


Tony – Back the chippy then was it mate?


Ray – Too right. Although I’ve knocked back on the ale lately. Got into that red wine caper.


Tony – Me too. The Co-ey’s always got an offer on by us. Good stuff that red wine. Saves us a fortune and the best bit is, she only needs a glass of the stuff and she’s flat out.


Ray – Laughin!


Tony – Is right lad. Got the fuckin’ remote control to meself.


Ray – So you out tonight Tone?


Tony – Me? Nah, not OUT out.


Ray – No?


Tony – Nah! Last time I was OUT out was our kid’s staggy in Dublin.


Ray – Your kid’s staggy in Dublin?


Tony – That’s what I said.


Ray – But I was on that.


Tony – I know.


Ray – But that was two fucking years ago now.


Tony – Two years, is it? Jesus!


Ray – You’ll have to get out more Tone.


Tony – I will lad, you’re right there mate.


Ray – Well, here y’are, I’m on the arm tonight with Sue, why don’t you come out on the arm with Jenny and meet us?


Tony – Then we’ll BOTH be on the arm dickhead.


Ray – Yeah but we’ll be on the arm together, which isn’t really being on the arm is it?


Tony – How do you work that one out?


Ray – Well, Sue and Jenny will be able to keep each other company, talk about the holidays, kids, moan about us and we can watch the match in peace.


Tony – Yeah but I’ll have given up a night out to be out on the arm.


Ray – But you haven’t been out for two years lad.


Tony – I’ve been out Ray, just not OUT out.


Ray – What like OUT out y’mean?


Tony – Exactly.


Ray – So you don’t fancy coming out tonight then?


Tony – Nah, can’t be arsed mate. Few glasses of Chilean plonk and the night’s my own.


Ray – I envy you lad. Later.


Tony – Later lad.







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