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Survivorman - Discovery Channel

By Yarp

Here's the premise - send a bloke to a inhospitable shithole armed only with a few video cameras, a harmonica and some survival swag, and get him to record his week of hell for the telly. You never know, some of his survival tips might one day save your life, especially if you get caught in 24mm of snow with only a sat-nav, hands-free kit, and a windscreen ice-scraper to see you through. I was prepared to give Les Stroud a chance, particularly after Bear Grylls got outed as a fraud cos he spent the night sleeping rough in a 4 star hotel in the Rockies when he was supposed to be in a cave or something. Survivorman is on its third series now, and it's time to face facts - Les Stroud is fucking shite.

Every week, no matter where he is, whether it's trudging across the tundra or baking in the heat, he always fucks up. Example - when he was in Papua New Guinea in the jungle. First off he sets up a camp in a jungle clearing. He can't get a fire going, even with a flint. He spews that and starts getting ready to set some traps for wild pig. 5 seconds later a wild pig casually strolls past his unlit fire while Les is stood there. At this point I fired off a mocking text - "Les is last lad" - to Les's biggest fan, the Ray Mears of Allerton. But it gets even better. The following morning we see rough as fuck Les. He's caught some bug off the water that's caused him to have a "stomach upset" all night. Next time we see him, it's even worse, he's started spewing all over the shop. I'm in bulk at this point. He manages to get a fire going, and pulls out some powdered soup out of his haversack - quick text of "Cheating twat him" to Allerton Ray. Les now decides to go fishing - catches fuck all. Then we see him gobbling a load of vegetation like he's on the ghat. Les explains that the local indians wallop this gear to keep them going through long hunting expeditions or something, and that's it's some sort of stimulant. 2 hours later, Les is throwing a pure whitey and generally taking the knock. Text "Lightweight him lad" to AR. All that in one episode.

I reckon I've never seen Les actually catch anything. He's set traps, he's fished in the sea and rivers, he's threw home made spears. Fuck all. All he ever eats is tree bark and moss. Unless he's brought some Toblerone and a few bags of Roast Ox, he's always starving. He can't make a decent shelter to save his life either. I've seen him out in Colorado and he's setting up camp. The area is inhabited by mountain lions. It's all good and Les gets a bit of shelter and a fire going when, what's this, only about 10 yards away Les notices the rotting carcass of a deer that's been mashed by a mountain lion, flies all over it and that. Les never even seen it while he was building his camp, the soft twat. In fact, the only decent camp he's ever done was in Africa when he had parts off a abandoned Land Rover to use.

But the piece de resistance is when Les goes to Labrador in sub-arctic Canada with a husky team. To be fair to Les, this was a boss episode. The dog sled looked mad and you would deffo have a go of it, and the dogs themselves looked like they'd rip the face off them allys at the match. Proper hard hounds. The objective of the episode is just for him to travel round the region and survive. It helps that he's got a full survival kit with him. On the fourth day he deliberately jumps off the sled while it's booming along and the dogs just keep going off into the distance without even noticing. He's going to show us how to survive what is a fairly common occurence if you're a dog sled musher, basically what to do if your dogs fuck off home and leave you behind. So what does he do ? He hangs around for a bit then a load of fellers on snowmobiles come along and pick him up and take him to a place where a chopper comes and gets them all. WHAT ? Turns out that his "rescue crew" based 5 mile away - first we've heard about the "rescue crew" by the way - are struggling cos all the sea ice is melting so it's dangerous for them to get round. So they've decided to spew it and they've come for Les. At this point I'm shouting at the telly, "Do one youse, he's Survivorman, he'll be sound". But no, they whisk him off in the chopper. It's a perishing swizz. Fuck off Les. Give me Bear Grylls anytime, at least he eats giant maggots and squirts the horrible maggot goo at the camera. And he made some slippers out of a alligator he killed in the Everglades (not the one in Halewood).





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