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I'm a cunt

By Mal Claffy


Now I'm a happy go lucky, mild mannered soul, who tries to avoid acting like a cunt as I go through my existence on this planet. I wasn't always like this, there was a stage in my life when I was a full time cunt and would do cuntish things on a daily basis. Times have changed and I've mellowed out  in later life, although I still have the odd flurry of acting the cunt every now and again. 


You can always gauge if you're being a 'proper' cunt, by the way one of your mates remark "That's a cunts trick that" after they witness, or are told about your bad boy behaviour. If you hear them words you know you've reached your goal and completed the task of being a prize cunt. 


 Regret would hit straight away though with me. That feeling you get  at that precise  moment when you realize that not everyone finds your stunt funny and some show the ill feeling more when they skulk off shaking heads in shame whilst muttering cunt under their breath.


I'm not proud of the things I'm going to type below but I thought it was essential to share with you these examples of being a cunt, so you too, can gauge yourself and decide wether it was a cunts trick or not.


Age:16 years old 

Place: Outside the chippy

Circumstance: Drunk on cider and thinks he can fight the world


Around them times it wasn't uncommon for us to kick the living daylights out of some unfortunate drunk, who was staggering to the chippy after closing time. Like a pack of wolves about 15 lads would attack on mass, kicking and punching till the drunkard dropped to the floor. Some had wife's and girlfriends in toe but this didn't stop us and some of them gobby cows were the reason their beloved hubby was getting his head used as a casey on the floor.


This particular night it was twelve o'clock, the chippy was about to shut and the boozers had well emptied for the night. With no more fight fun to be had, we decided to empty the bottle-banks of their contents and have a game of 'throw a bottle in the air and watch it smash on the ground'. Our game was interrupted by shouts coming from the chippy doorway. It was the Chinese owner telling us to stop or he would phone the police. His efforts to stop us were hit with a volley of bottles he then retreated inside and locked he door for his own safety.


It was at this stage when I made my Hulk like change into the 'Incredible Cunt'. I sprinted up to the chippy window and gave Mr Lee a furious rant that went something like this.....




"I phone police, go away from my shop" Mr Lee retorted 




I stayed their ranting and raving while Mr Lee vanished into the back of the shop to make that call. I finally puffed my chest out, tapped one fist on top of the other 'Chris Eubank' style and walked back to my mates.


A few minutes later and with an added audience of a few girls to beef up my bravado bounce, the attack got worse. Mr Lee appeared back in his window as I made a dash for the rubbish bin, I collected the metal inside frame of the bin and sprinted towards the chippy. And with a shout of "GERONNIMO" I lashed the metal bin through the plate glass window of Mr Lee's chippy. Mr Lee made a mad dive behind the counter as I returned once again to the gang pleased with my efforts.


A couple of minutes later our fun was interrupted once again but this time it was the headlights of the on coming police car and not Mr Lees cries that caught our attention. Everyone split straight away; I headed for the alleyway between the TSB bank & Library, the policeman who had jumped out the car had the same idea and was hot on my heels. Why didn't he chase one of the others?.....the twat! 


While one Dibble was on my tail, the other one had spun the car round and was making his way to the youth club/swimming baths car park to cut me off. He succeeded and I was trapped, I was hauled in front of Mr Lee who identified me as the instigator of the attack and I got taken to the local Police station to get charged.


I rejoined the gang the next night and I could sense disharmony when finally one of them pipes up with, "That was a cunts trick last night mate"




Place: In a night club

Circumstance: Skint & need money for drinks


I used to rob girls handbags when out on a Fri/Sat night. We even took up the art of 'pick-pocketing' (putting your hand in a girls bag and taking the purse) when waiting in the cue at the taxi rank/burger van after a night out in the local club. 


One night we were in an Indie club full of students when an opportunity arose. Quick as a flash I made my move and returned a few seconds later with a girls purse, upon opening it next to my mate, he asked me what I was doing. When I told him he told me "Thats a cunts trick that". After only getting 18p and a bus pass out of the purse, I was inclined to agree with him.



Place: In a pub 

Circumstance: I had a snotty knob and someone was in our company who I disliked


I had green puss oozing from my bell-end after a bunk up with a trollop. 


It was my turn at the bar. I stuck my hands down my boxer shorts and got a bit of 'snot' on my finger and rubbed it around the top of a bottle of lager. Upon returning with the drinks I made sure the dislikable person got the 'marked bottle' . A bit later when I was worse for wear, I told a close compadre. Upon hearing about the dirty deed he commented " That's a cunts trick that"






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