Ernie’s Ingrowing Toenail Trifle Band – Journey Through Black
Into Blue And Beyond (Gnnnnnaaaaarrrrrr!) – Conch, 1967
Klimt aka ‘Uncle Ernie’ was a Swiss linesman who visited
as part of the 66 World Cup tournament. After a night out with
various other linesmen in which they visited the infamous Flying
Saucer club in Leicester Square, Ernesto took his first LSD trip
and got turned on to three month long sitar solos. His
linesmanship literally went to pot and he soon gave up his flag
for three way sex with Austrian albino amputees and rodents. This
LP was released in the summer of 67, on Klimt’s own Conch label
and disappeared without trace after Ernie left
to travel around
with his trusted sidekick and trombonist, Tall Geoff.
Ernie died after a rogue camel kicked him unconscious at a
waterhole 300 miles from the nearest village. It was Tall Geoff
who found his friend and lover’s body six months later and he
was later charged with his murder and stoned by an angry mob.
Journey Through Black Into Blue remains one of the strangest
records of the era with Ernie pioneering the use of industrial
machinery in a musical context. The double LP is infact one long
track consisting of a single note produced by a specially adapted
trombone welded to a lathe. Now regarded as a minimalist
masterpiece, the LP sadly only sold four copies upon release all
of which were purchased by Ernie’s biggest fan, Nobby Stiles.
Terence Pluto Sound – Solar
(Olde Salop, 1969)
TPS were originally a trad-jazz sextet featuring Jelly Roll
Haughton on piano, Dizzy Cavanagh on trumpet, Art Custard on
drums, Pharaoh Sausage on alto sax, Mr Acker Milk on clarinet and
Terence Pluto on mouth organ and violin. Originally called The
Deaf Dumb & Blind Boys From Douglas,
Isle Of Man
they were a permanent fixture on the P&O ferry circuit.
However, after catching a young Jimi Hendrix playing All Along The
Watchtower at The Nag’s Head in Peel, Terence Pluto ditched trad
for psyche and the TPS was born.
with the band’s new direction, Jelly Roll, Dizzy, Pharaoh and Mr
Acker all left the band leaving Pluto free to recruit his new
band, consisting of five boss-eyed Bulgarian brothers; the
infamous Bukar Boys. Solar Texas, a weak pun on Solar Plexus was
inspired after the band went to see hit movie, The Alamo and its
innovative use of Mexcian Tijuana with free jazz and Bulgarian
folk music caused a sensation in the underground rave clubs of
Douglas. The band soon became ambassadors for the so-called
Swinging Manx Scene and even played before the island’s
parliament at a prestigious homosexual birching ceremony/charity
the Bukar Boys became resentful of Pluto’s autocratic manner and
stowed away on a deep sea trawler one misty night in 1970 never to
be seen again. Rumour had it that the trawlermen traded them as
sex slaves to a crazed cult of pagan Faroe Islanders who sacrified
them to Thor. Others believe they were abducted by a rogue element
of the Icelandic navy and used as human torpedoes during the Cod
War. Whatever happened to the Bukar Boys, Pluto never got over
their desertion and tragically died when a TT rider ploughed into
the back of his mobile chippy in 1983.
Jones & Friends – I Can See Your Dead Soul Baby (Mauve
Tonsil were one of the hippest of all San Francisco’s
psychedelic labels and, although bands such as The Dinny Skippers,
Spoongut Footrot and The Cilicon Sidewinders became more
successful, it was Romulus Jones & Friends who were the real
love children’s favourites. Gideon Goldberg aka Romulus Jones
was a practising rabbi and sometime stand-up comic at The
Sacramento Stitch-In-Time club owned by legendary mob boss,
Giancarlo ‘The Finger’ Guto. It was after an argument with
Guto over a routine that poked fun at various pasta dishes, that
Goldberg fled to
and changed his name.
out in the basement of The Snaggle Toothed Oyster Bar, the newly
Jones teamed up with the bar’s resident country and western band
and moulded them into a hippie version of The Surf Kids.
Effortlessly fusing ancient Hebrew rabbinical tracts with tight
vocal arrangements and way-out ‘moon music,’ The Friends were
THE Haight Ashbury house band. However, with a bounty of $10,000
and a lifetime supply of cat food placed on his head, it wasn’t
long before The Finger caught up with Jones.
the time all the evidence pointed at Mike ‘The Well-know
Anti-Semite’ McTavish, the band’s Mississippi born slide
guitar player but ‘Country Mike’ always denied being the
kissed Jones on the cheek in return for thirty pieces of silver
(and a life-time supply of cat food). Jones’s head was found in
a garbage bin over 1000 miles away in
whilst his torso was discovered under a dead cow in a field in
. No-one was ever charged with his murder but Country Mike alluded
to his part in the slaying in chapter 13 of his autobiography
‘Booze, Broads, Beeds & How I Set Up That No Good Kike,
Romulus Jones’ (Snitch Press, 1983).
Can See Your Dead Soul Baby is more of a comedy routine with
musical interludes than a musical recoding interspersed with
comedic intros. Tracks such as Yogi Shmogi, Enough Already &
The Pope’s A Fag may have been controversial but at their heart
is black core of outright misanthropy. This is shmychedelic as
only Jones could do.
WHERE ARE THEY
NOW? # 1 – DAVID SYLVIAN
Sylvian, the foppish singer with gender-bending New Romantic
once had an army of admirers, both male AND female. With his Lady
Di hair-do and amateurishly applied blusher, Delicious Dave (as
no-one called him) symbolised all that was fey and frankly silly
about 80s synth-pop. Who’d have thought that 25 years later the
former pin-up boy for sexually ambiguous teenagers the world over
would be the owner of one of the West of
’s biggest skip hire companies? ‘Syl’s Skips’ is based in
the distinctly unglamorous town of Greenock, yet David handles his
dealings with angry tinkers and corrupt council officials with the
same mixture of girly charm and steely determination that marked
him out as one of the unlikeliest hard men of 80s pop.
a successful skip hire business with an annual turnover of over
two hundred thousand pounds is not that much different from
dealing with tasteless record company executives, greedy managers,
drunken roadies and self-harming groupies,” the still prettily
handsome star declares, with a coquettish flick of his still
luxurious but greying fringe, “You’ve got to have a thick skin
in this game which is why I wear three layers of foundation and
regularly bathe in creosote.”
how did Dave end up going from singing melancholic songs of
isolation and loss to hiring out metallic dumps for household
waste, industrial shite and asbestos sheds hidden under spunky aul
I’ve always been fascinated by the skip game, it’s been a
passion since I first helped grandpapa empty his stash of kiddy
porn into a small half tonner as a child. Even when I was sat on a
stool singing haunting lullabies like Ghosts on Top of The Pops,
all I could I could think of was owning my very own skip firm.
Just to see one belt along the road 30 miles over the speed limit,
scaring young mums with their toddlers as planks fell off the back
would give me a semi-on. I’d dream about seeing my name on the
side in flaking paint and suddenly ruining Smokey Robinson
standards just didn’t have the same appeal anymore.
To be honest, I got bored with the music biz and this just
seemed like a natural progression. At the end of the day whether
you’re playing in front of thousands of adoring fans in stadiums
across the world or filling in endless paperwork for the
Department for The Environment, it’s all about the same thing;
job satisfaction. I can honestly say that hiring out a ten ton
skip to a local builder who’s desperate to shift some dodgy
chemicals gives me
more pleasure than getting my dick sucked by a fourteen year old
Philippino boy in a
nightclub toilet. Look,
I never wanted to end up like Martin Kemp doing adverts for crap
sofa companies or those losers on Hit Me Baby One More Time.
Don’t get me wrong I had a great time living the pop dream but
look at what I’ve got here; a four bedroom semi with a
conservatory on the back, my own letterheaded paper and a fleet of
Nissan Bluebirds from the auction.”
issue; Blancmange Fly Fishing Accessories
Swine’s Top 1000
it’s that time again folks when Swine collects all your votes to
see who’s won our prestigious Best DJ In The Whole Wide World
award. Once again our list has stirred controversy as allegations
of vote rigging continue to be levelled against us, with
absolutely no evidence. So, here’s our top 10 as voted by our
advertisers, sorry, by YOU, the people who count, our loyal mugs,
Van Muhren (
) Don’t say the Swine Top 1000 DJs list is predictable. Dutch
trance daddy, Vim Van Der Tulip has been ousted as YOUR Numero Uno
DJ-o, after 57 years at the top. Arnie, who has been numero deux
for 78 years himself was said to be overjoyed at surplanting his
one-time mentor and half-brother. So much so that he refused to
play at our awards ceremony unless we paid him a cool millions
Euros for the honour.
– Vim Van Der Tulip (Belgium) – it had to happen sooner or
later yet the Vimster only lost by an incredible 300,000 votes (or
0.13 % of the total votes cast) and even the intervention as his
manager Robert Van Mugabe couldn’t save him this year (although
we predict he’ll back at number one next year if he plays our
– Rip Van Winkle (Low Countrys) – RVW moved up 658 places
thanks largely to his massive fanbase across squaddy camps in
. He really is the Forces Darling DJ.
– Denise Van Outen (UK) – The only female in our top 10 and
the only naked drum and bass DJ to ever get in our top 1000.
Junglists jump up or something!
DJ White Van Man (Scotland) – Myles MacTavish aka White Van Man
is the Isle Of Bute’s electro-bagpipe mash-up master. See him at
a Kwikfit by you soon.
Van Morrison (
) – No 46 : Expert Tony arselicking skills; More reasons to vote
for Van Morrisons. Later, Pete!
Luther Van Dross – (USA) – The king of booty-tech won many
fans at Miami this year and is now taking his phat dead ass to
Ibiza with Puffy and Felix. Watch out DC10 is all we can say.
Rude Boy Van Nistel-Roy (Argentina) – The don of Malvinas
swingcore, Rudie’s been shaking up dancefloors all the way from
Buenos Aires to Port Stanley and is something of a pin-up with
sheep of all ages.
Van Dal Supreme (Norway) – Dark techno wizard of the frozen
North, the Scando-perv drops five places after cancelling his
operation for a record fifth time.
Dave Lee Van Travis (UK) – A whopping jump of 989 places for The
Hairy Paedophile who has re-launched his career as Bland FM’s
token leftfield downtempo abstract click n’ broken beats