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England manager, Steve McClaren has been sacked by the FA after admitting his part in various national and international cock-ups, fuck-ups and failures.
The balding scapegoat held up his hands to the following crimes :
* Sub-prime mortgage lending crisis
* The Child Benefit ’missing disc’ scandal
* London’s failing transport system
* Bird Flu
* Twatting Lady Di’s car a few years back and doing a runner
* The disappearance of Maddy McCann
* The Bangladeshi floods
* Childhood obesity
* Leona Lewis getting to No 1
* Italian football violence
* Titty Bang Bang getting a second series
* Internet kiddy porn
* The kidnapping and beheading of Ken Bigley
* The recent outbreak of foot and mouth and blue tongue
* The black death
* The Holocaust
* Casting Jude Law in Sleuth!
* Scrappy Doo
* Selecting Scott Carson as England goalie
FA chief executive Brian Blame told reporters.
“I spoke to Steve this morning and wished him well in his next job as hair stylist to ageing teds the world over. However, you can’t make films as bad as Sleuth, wipe out half the population of Europe in one fail swoop, kidnap and behead grabbing scouse contract workers and pick untested goalies like Scott Carson in vital qualifying matches and expect to stay in a job.”
McClaren was unavailable for comment but his wife shouted at reporters through the window of her Middlesbrough semi
“Leave my Steve alone you bastards, they’re trying to pin everything on him and he‘s done fuck all wrong…..apart from picking Scott Carson like, can’t swerve that one.”
Heather Mills has called on people to cut down on pissing to save the planet.
Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife says that pissing is the second biggest cause of greenhouse gases.
Her campaign, which will include a protest piss at Speakers' Corner in Hyde Park, comes just days after the ex-model sparked concern with an emotional and highly charged blitz of interviews in which she accused Sir Paul of 'pissing about fifteen times an hour, just to piss her off.'
Today Heather, 39, called on consumers to adopt more of a piss-less based lifestyle.
She said animal rights organisation Viva alerted her to the extent of the effect of piss on global warming.
She said: "When Viva told me it was 18 per cent, that's more than all shit and puke put together, I was in shock. Sneezing only bring 3 per cent, while they are being picked on with anti-sneeze taxes and yet the shocking level of piss in society seems to be accepted."
She called on people to "cut down on one or two pisses a week", adding: "I'm not saying people need to stop pissing overnight."
Heather said: "We are the only species that pisses when we don’t really need to, rat's don’t piss when they don’t need to, neither do dogs or cats or ostriches or elephants or chimps or slugs or centipedes, that's how crazy it is!"
"It's mad that we are pissing all the time when even cows don't piss after one year but we continue forever."
She said: "As individuals, and hopefully within your family, you can reduce global warming by reducing your pissing or by stopping pissing altogether less rather than rely on governments who talk and talk but do piss all about it."
The Prime Minister Gordon Scare has announced plans to protect Labour’s votes against attacks by Tories. Mr Brown was launching a report by election minister Lord Panic which sets out proposals to build anti-Tory measures into the design of any policy where large numbers of people decide which way they’ll vote, following June’s attempts by Tory extremists to attack the prime minister in a London building known as The Houses Of Parliament.
Speaking today, Scare said the events of June showed that Labour needed not just political but judicial counter-Tory measures but also efforts must be made to win the hearts and minds of the floating voter community and ensure young voters do not fall under the influence of Tory extremists.
He announced the creation of a new unit bringing together Labour MPs and party officials to look not only at the ‘inner circle’ of Tory extremists but also at those at risk of falling under their influence. In a statement to the House Of Commons, Mr Scare said that improved security would be installed at all Labour party offices and social clubs as well as newspapers, radio and television stations to keep voters safe against Torys.
Northwich’s bid to host the 2088 Cheshire Games has ended in triumph. The small mid-Cheshire town beat off stiff competition from likes of Middlewich, Congleton, Alsager and bookie’s favourite, Macclesfield in a meeting of the Cheshire Games Federation delegates at the Crewe Travel Lodge. The Northwich bid won by 15 votes to Macclesfield’s 3.
Northwich’s mayor, Arthur Kelsall hailed his town’s victory and pledged : ’We will make these games the greatest sporting event our town has ever seen. This will be our chance to show the whole county the very best of Northwich. This is great news for everyone in the area not only Northwich but Witton too. We‘ve been planning to re-roof all the council houses for years now but never had the funds. Now that we‘ve won the games, we can now install central heating in the town hall and even get some decent turf for the pitch and put course.”
The result was greeted with cheers of joy from the Northwich bid team in Crewe and there were scenes of mass jubilation on the streets of Northwich as the news was broadcast live on the tellys in Currys on High Street. One onlooker, a bemused Polish factory worker, Josef Djovkoz hugged local paedophile, Kenneth Grice and cried as the decision was announced.
“I don’t know what all this means yet I am so very happy” the happy migrant leech wept. Yet some residents remained sceptical.
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about” said Joan Burton, “it was held in Tarporley last year and they promised the world, said they’d put double glazing in the old people’s homes, new bus-stops in the village centre and hanging baskets outside the market but it never happened. And who’s gonna feed all these people eh? The council tax payer that’s who!”
Disappointed Macclesfield bid leader and chair of the South Cheshire Business Forum Against Blacks Campaign, John Halfpenny MBE congratulated Northwich on their victory:
“It was close and I’m sure Congleton’s vote was bought and paid for months ago but I’m not accusing anyone of bribery, Northwich won fair and square, it’s just a pity that we won’t be able to afford all those new sports centres, hospital wings and schools we promised. Has anyone got the Heritage Lottery Fund’s number handy?”
ITV bosses have announced the new line-up for I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. In this year’s jungle pantomime are:
Famous For : Being accused of murdering her kid and dumping her in the Atlantic although that fellar who translated for the bizzies looks a bit shifty to me.
Famous For : Singing ‘Everyone’s Gone To The Moon‘, presenting ‘Entertainment USA’ and kiddy fiddling.
Famous For : Big specs, throwing fat Nazis off their farms, starving millions
That fellar who shouted ‘Just Cook Will Yer?’ to the narky chef on TV Reality Show, The Hotel.
Famous For : shouting ’Just Cook Will Yer?’ to the narky chef on TV Reality Show, The Hotel.
Sefton The Brave Police Horse
Famous For : Being blown up by the IRA in the notorious Hyde Park bombing of 1982.
Age : 50
Famous for : Being a one eyed hook handed Islamic fundamentalist/pirate stereotype
Some Bird With Massive Tits
Famous For : Having Massive Tits.
Famous For : Being a bit weird, shooting Jill Dando through the swede
Lori & Reba Schappell
Age : 33
Famous For : Being country n' western singing conjoined twins.
Alex 'Hurricane' Higgins
Famous For : Snooker n' twatting his missus n' shit
Some other bird who shagged loads of Hollywood actors
Famous for : shagging loads of Hollywood actors
ITV bosses said ’this year’s line-up is sure to be a winner with viewers who can phone up our all new ‘look no deception’ voting lines in the certain knowledge that every single penny is going towards ITV shareholders and not a bunch of whining maggots with their hands out begging for small change.’
MI5’s new boss , Jonathan Haventgotaclue sensationally claimed that Muslim extremists are now recruiting foetuses in their sick crusade against democracy and modern cutlery. Speaking at a specially arranged press conference organised to improve Havenoideawhoheis’s public profile, while at the same time bolstering the government’s war on ragheads, the nation’s top spook warned that sick terror bosses were playing hate filled speeches by Islamist fundamentalists to pregnant Muslim women for up to ten hours a day in order to indoctrinate their unborn children.
They then plan to recruit the fanatical, democracy-despising toddlers as potential suicide bombers who can easily infiltrate pre-school nurseries and playgroups, detonating specially designed semtex filled nappies in a wave of baby bombing evil. The new Secret Service boss also claimed that the recent plague of harlequin ladybirds had been spearheaded by Al Qaeda in a bid to kill off native western species of ladybirds and other insects, thereby upsetting the delicate eco-systems of democratic nations, thus making it far easier for foreign ‘sand inhabiting species’ to spread their hate filled agenda amongst the undergrowth.
“Make no mistake,” Whothefuckinghellareyou warned, “these evil merchants of horror will stop at nothing, even using babies and sub-species of beetles to do their dirty work. This is a fight against fanatics and zealots who despise everything about our way of life; Tesco, Strictly Come Dancing, Yorkshire Pudding and moaning about immigrants. They want to wipe all that out and replace it with stoning nine year old girls to death for wetting the bed and eating sheep’s eyes for breakfast, dinner and tea.”
Liberty spokesperson, Shami Jobforlifeski responded,
“We have seen no evidence to support Mr Whatsisnameagain’s fanciful accusations but that’s not to say that it isn’t true and y‘know the security services do a wonderful job and I don‘t want to sound like yet another whining Paki so I say send em back where they came from. Polish fucks!”
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