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The Ones That Got Away

By Jimmy Tarbuck

 

OK We all tell tales about the women we’ve blimped over the years including some very tall ones it has to be said (tales not women) but thanks to my less than predatory instincts I always remember with great pain the ones I haven’t shagged. Opportunities where it has been laid on a plate, only for circumstances to contrive against me and send me home alone with a kebab. As Motty used to frequently say, ‘My word, it was harder to miss than score there Trevor!’ Chances where I didn’t just fail to look a gift horse in the mouth, I chopped the bugger up and fed it to next door neighbours’ dog. And none of the following were dogs, they were all fit as fuck. Unfortunately, none of them were mine either, and I reckon it was all my fault.

 

Plain Jane Superbrain

Who could forget the beautiful Jane of Neighbours fame, she was a right stiff until she took off her binns and then, ironically gave me a right stiffy? They even repeated the storyline a couple of years later with Phoebe Bright, whom the Jane in question was a ringer for. I knew her from college, she was from Leyland and a sexy specs of the highest order. When she started working at our place, I obviously made the effort to make her feel welcome!! Alas, as was always the case, whenever we went out on the piss with work, her utter geek of a boyfriend turned up. What a dick he was!! I was still at that naïve age where if a bird was living with a bloke it meant to me that they were obviously very serious and she’d have nowt to do with me rather than what it actually meant: that she hated the loser too but couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage on her own and didn’t want to go back to her mum’s.

 

She left, and we lost touch, apart from one night a few years’ later when I bumped into her up town. It was like we’d never been apart: they’d bought a house and she’d split up with the loser and she lived there in Wigan. On her own. All kisses for me and hand touching. It was on!! She was telling me how she’d been single for months and that ‘there were not many good men around – except you of course!’ It was a dead cert. Our hero gets his just rewards. Malcolm the Mountie always gets his hole, er can. Of course what actually happened was my mates left to go to the next pub, and started whinging that it was my round. Cunts! ‘See you later, yeah, next pub?’ as I wandered off and away from her rather than parting with a tenner and leaving the sad bastards to it whilst I set about curing her broken heart.

 

Horsey Suzanne

She liked me. She proper threw herself at me. She was blonde and tall and giggly but great fun to be with. It was 1991, they were fresh out of school and I was 18 and all her mates from Byrchall High thought I was cool as fuck just because I knew a few people on the fringes of the rave scene. We arranged to go out and we were also working together so used to indulge in what swimming pool attendants would call ‘heavy petting’ at lunch breaks. The day after I tapped her up I can honestly say it was one of those days were despite shitloads of beer and a tablet I felt no hangover. Next thing I know she’s dancing on a podium at Maximes and I’m asking her to get down so’s I can have a word with her. ‘If you don’t get down, we’re finished!’ She stayed. I spent weeks with a Morrissey style sulk. Her mam and dad had the biggest house in Ashton backing onto Haydock Park. I’ve seen her recently in the gym, she was still in good nick but looked a bit butch lifting barbells.

 

Rebecca at Junior Latics

I was about 13 and at a Junior Latics event. She had long flowing curly locks and a dark complexion. She sent her mate over and she came out with the old ‘will you have my mate a date’ line. I was mortified and gave her a flat refusal before my mates cottoned on. God knows why, she was bonny as fook!

 

The fat Billie

As the title suggests, she was fat and also looked like Billie Piper. A classic case of fat girl with pretty face, winning smile but flexible chins. The thing is with fatties though, is that they can lose weight, something I failed to consider when she invited me to take her to the pictures and I side stepped her. Several years later and there’s this gorgeous grin on a stunning figure smiling at me, the sweaty fat lad in the gym. Unfortunately, she has teamed up with a monstrous meathead who is presumably her personal trainer, dietician, bodyguard and lover and all I can do is gleefully text my mates with the news that ‘just seen fat Billie in gym and she’s not fat any more’. Why did she lose all that weight? Because she wanted to, because she wanted to!

 

Blonde girl in Walkabout

Up on Legends landing and as per usual I’m hammered. Don’t get me wrong, mates are mates and I’ve known mine for most of my life. I know what they say about mates trusting each other with their lives and I suppose it might be true if there was ever a real crisis to deal with but I think the opposite applies in the day to day, night to night existence and I personally wouldn’t trust any one of the bastards who wind each other up for fun. I still won’t leave my pint on the table when I go to the bog because one of the bastards spiked me in 1991. So when a fit blonde bird comes up to me, having never seen her before in my life and admits she’s been watching me all night, and am I seeing anyone, she’d like to maybe get to know me better and go for a drink? Well any sane bloke would lead her away to a quiet corner and for want of a better word, ingratiate. My response had a few more tinges of paranoia attributed to it: ‘OK Luv, which one of these wankers put you up to it?’ I insisted to such an extent that her hopes and desires that I would one day father her children petered out in seconds as all the enthusiasm drained out of her face and her expression instantly went from ‘he looks a good catch’ to ‘what a fucking prick!’ I stood in the same spot every Saturday night for three months desperately trying to pick her out on the dance floor but I must have put her off the place completely as she was never seen again.

 

Sarah the vicar’s daughter

Now I was about 17 and so was she. There were rumours she had a 23 year old boyfriend who was big and hard – if I could paraphrase McFly: ‘He’s 23, he’s in the Marines, he’d kill me!’ certainly rang true to a 17 year old. But no-one had ever seen him. We worked at the same place, but she lived in Appley Waz and I was as ever a Springfield boy so it’s not like I ever saw her outside of work and she was too much of a nice girl to go down King Street (when it was a rough hole) She had beautiful pouting lips, stunning, piercing eyes and a great little figure. I caught the bus home one day and lo and behold she was on it. She was known to many lads I worked with but most didn’t even speak to her, just stare gobsmacked. I found conversation easy and had her eating out the palm of my hand until again I had beaten three defenders, rounded the ‘keeper and just had to tap it over the goal line. I was talking about a film I was looking forward to seeing at the pictures when she said it: ‘Yeah I wouldn’t mind seeing that!’ and she continued ‘But I’ve no-one to take me!’ From me: Silence!! Maybe I was struck dumb by the concept that this girl was actually remarkably pleasant and accessible, all it took was a few friendly words. Maybe it is true when all these fit sorts on telly say they don’t get chatted up. All I know is that I had ballsed up a golden opportunity once more…….

 


 

 

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