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Seven Days On The Breadline

By Phil Thornton

 

Imagine the pitch;

 

TV Producer :

 

‘Here’s an idea; it’s a programme that shines a light on modern inner city poverty’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘Bor-ing!’

 

TV Producer :

 

‘With celebrities!’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘I’m listening! Who’ve we got?’

 

TV Producer :

 

‘I’m thinking Mel B, Keith Allen, Trinny off Trinny & Susannah, some rugby fellar’

 

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘The one off the Birdseye Adverts?’

 

TV Producer

 

‘Er, no we couldn’t afford him, so we got er, Austin someoneorother’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘The usual Z-listers then?’

 

 

TV Producer :

 

‘Exactly! Prime-time ITV demographic’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘So, what’s the idea? ’

 

TV Producer :

 

‘Well we select a right bunch of fickle, brain dead, easily manipulated povvos and get Mel B and co to live with em for a whole week.’ 

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘Then what?’

 

TV Producer :

 

‘That’s it!’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘And what will that prove?’

 

TV Producer :

 

‘Don’t get ya!’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘Well, are we trying to highlight the way urban poverty has actually got worse under twelve years of New Labour and that the poor have very little means to escape their environment? That we are infact witnessing the social marginalisation of an entire section of society ignored by mainstream politicians of both left and right?’

 

TV Producer

 

‘Eh?’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘Or is it just a chance for a few puffed up pop stars and media luvvies to crack on to be concerned at the plight of the disenfranchised by patronising the poor and tut tutting at their spending habits?’

 

TV producer

 

‘Oh very much the latter.’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘That’s OK then as long as we can get Iceland to sponsor it’

 

TV Producer

 

‘Which brings me to…..An Audience With Kerry Katona!’

 

ITV Commissioning Editor

 

‘I like it!’