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Americas Next Mobster
By JT Dolan
TONY S: The family are thinking of branching out, something new and legit
PAULIE: Mobile phones T? Them companies make a lot of canolis
TONY S: Nah, reality TV
*bemused looks all round*
CHRIS: What like Big Brother? Stricly Come Dancing? No way you’d get me going on
any of them shows, fullofofuckindoosh-bags!
TONY S: No Crissy, I’m thinking of ‘Americas Next Top Mobster’
PAULIE: Fuckin A
UNCLE JUNIOR: Have you seen my medicine?
TONY S: The format’s simple – we recruit three guys from different back grounds and get them to carryout a series of activities for the family, all closely monitored by secret cameras of course. With the rigged phone voting alone, we’ll be rolling in boxes of ziti
PAULIE: *clicks fingers and points at little Paulie* YOU, get me 200 cell phones from that Mexican fuck
In the bing, Paulie introduces the hopefuls
PAULIE: Ok gentlemen, here’s contestant no. 1 – Rocco from Queens - Rocco always wanted to join to feared family with a long history of inflicting ruthless punishment. But since the Stillers are a closed book, we were his second choice!
PAULIE: Contestant no. 2 is Roger, a computer programmer from San Diego who practised for the show by watching all the great crime movies, what? Like Goodfellas, Godfather and shit like that?
Roger: No, Wall Street, Jerry Maguire and Entourage. Agents and Stock Broker may you guys look like boy scouts
PAULIE: You got balls kid, I respect that so I’m not gonna break your kneecaps until AFTER the show
PAULIE: Last contender is Mr Lee from China Town, he’s already associated with the Chinese Triads, but let’s see if he has what it takes to make it in Jersey. Hey, I have Chinese name…HUNG LOW…whoahhhhh!
TONY S: Watch it with the slurs Paulie, this guys speak perfect English
PAULIE: No worries T, You’ll see nothing but respect from me – besides we did all the talking we needed to when we dropped the fat man on these guys in WW2
TONY S: ***shakes head***
TONY S: Okay – before your first assignment, I have to ask you a few, if the feds picked you up and want you to tell them what they want to know, how do you answer?
Rocco: I do no nuthin about nuthin
Mr Lee: I don’t speak English
Roger: Try refreshing the blog on my MYSPACE page?
PAULIE: hehehehe, and there were three ***shoots Roger in the back of the head***
TONY S: Now, here’s your first job. Outside are two cars with someone inside – You have to drop off your passenger at an undisclosed location “permanetley” and “pimp your ride” so it’s clean when you “drop it off” at the “compound”
I’m sending Paulie and Chrissy to show youse the ropes and if you fuck it up, they’ll show YOU the roes!
Mr Lee: I don’t getit. The boss said there’d be someone waiting in the car!
CHRIS: Stugotz! Pop the trunk!
Mr Lee opens the trunk to see Davina McCall
DM: What’s going on! I’ve never been pushed around and treated like this and I’ve lived in London for 20 years!
CHRIS: Shut the fuck up skank, your going somewhere the big brothers cameras wont find you
***cuts to cctv footage of Chrissy and Mr Lee chopping up Davina with T and Sil watching from the Bing ***
CHRIS: Even hopped up on goof balls this is gruelling, she just wont shut up!
Mr Lee: I once chopped a Chinese guy and wanted to chop another up an hour later
***cut to T***
SILVIO: It was genius to snatch the hosts of rival reality shows! Thins out the fields, know what I’m sayin?
TONY S: If we get picked up for a second season, everyone of them mezzafanooks will be gone from the planet!
***cctv now shows Paulie and Rocco with Simon Cowell in the Pine Barrens***
PAULIE: You picked a good spot to dispose of this prick kid, I know it’s cold out here but a torch might attract attention
Rocco: That’s not a torch, that’s Simon Cowell
***cut to x-factor supremo on fire***
SC: Well, gentlemen, poor showing on the kidnap, where was the passion?
***Back in Satriales***
TONY S: Now, you guys did good this afternoon, the next challenge is alot like other reality TV shows – we’re gonna have you eat something disgusting, and I’m not talking Ginny Sac or Svetlana with the one leg! No, I’m talking startin with calzone, then some gabagool – then onto manicotti, gavadell with some pastaq fazool with mussels ma-dinara
PAULIE: Yo T, what’s disgusting about that? It sounds like an unbelievable feast!
TONY S: Yeah but Uncle Juniors making it!
***cut to Junior cooking on the stove***
UNCLE JUNIOR: 45 pancakes? Aw shit, what did I say? Cupcakes? I had a dog named socks once, nice doggy. Hey what did the Greek hooker say to the blind mans dog? Pancakes! Woof!
TONY S: Hey June, hows the cooking come along?
UNCLE JUNIOR: Damit! I just made no.1 in my pants!
***end of the show, Rocco has come out on top***
TONY S: From all the guys, congats Rocco, as the winner, you be getting your own monogrammed ice pick and…wait THIS guys wearing a wire!
Rocco: you put it on me for the TV show T!
Paulie: No crocodile tears Rocco, get in the car!
***cuts to T counting a big wedge of dollars***
TONY S: yeah, with the rigged phone voting we cleared nearly 6 mill!
Paulie: Whooah, I’m playing those numbers…
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