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The Bootleg Alan Metcalfe

By Bernie Bostik

Help me Mrs Medlicott, I don't know what to do. I've only got three bullets and there's four in Motley Crue. Yep, that same old line from that well known Wirral folk tune, the one that Alan used to open his 'Mark Chapman' piece in last months Swine. You see,  me an Alan share more than just a common interest in the Wirral folk scene. After reading further into his piece I found out that like him, I also flick through the ever growing Celebrity  magazine dirge that my girlfriend buys. And the most surprising similarity I found out after reading his article was that he also has a 'to do' list just like me. But were as he's got Ziggy at number one, that flop-haired BB ball-bag doesn't even get in my top five.

To Do list

1. Strangle Adele Silva. Get a job as an extra on Emmerdale, wait for the opportunity and attacked her from behind one night. Get her when she is on her own,  when she's finished filming for the day and is just about to get in her Porsche Boxter. Grab her round the throat and squeeze hard and say thing's to her like "Let's hear you make that stupid yelping noise now, you bitch" . You'll have to do it soon before the papers become infested with her 'wonky zippy kipper' thanks to her runners up slot on Hells Kitchen.

2. Fataly wound Johnathan Ross with a gun. Buy high powered motorcycle, wait outside BBC centre for Ross to come out on his stupid scooter-cum-tricycle thing and follow him. Wait till you get the chance, then pull up along side at a red light, take out Berreta and then plug the Dartanion faced fool full of holes. How shit has his chat show become and I use chat in it's broadest sense. Talking about your own sexual perversions/dogs/beard does not constitute chat-show in my book (hold on...sexual perversions, dogs and beards? wasn't that an article in last February's Swine?) and the guests are just the same ones we had last series.

3. Kidnapp Ant & Dec - take to a pawn shops basement dungeon and await the arrival of Zed & his mates on their Harley Davidsons. It has been said before and I will say it again, a very poormans Reeves & Mortimer. That Court scene the other week  in their Saturday night show was pure 'Thats Justice' from Vic's Big Night Out.

4. Kelly Osborne- heckle during her performance in Chigago then near the end of the show jump on the stage and open her up like a packet of crisps using some sheffield steel. The only one out of the Adams family that wouldn't feel the cold steel blade enter their gullet would be Jack. He's alright Jack, he might of got his chance on TV because of his mother but he has grabbed it with two hands and made good use of his TV work. I am right there with him, as he takes his bungy jump into a mad adrenaline bulging journey around the world and I am not put off by the 'Finchy' voice over. He's not arsed about hanging around with Kate Moss & friends, unlike their Kel who can be seen (wanting to be seen) out and about on the London beak/K/magic party circuit. And her 'father like square jaw chin' just sends me off into a tirade of abuse evrytime I see it.

5.Posh & Becks - with the candlestick in the study. Where do I start? lets start with most over rated footballer to grace our planet 'Sir David of Beckshire'. I detest everything about this man:  his many stupid haircuts, his annoying simleton speak whilst getting interviewed, his Roger Moore acting face (one eyebrow raised serious kipper) when he's waiting in the tunnel to lead his country out - the list is endless. The fella can't tackle, can't take someone on, can't head a ball, infact the only thing he does well is hit a decent dead ball and that's if you give him time and space. I remember Carra playing left-back agaisnt him early in his career and all Carra done all day was get in soft cunts face and never gave him a sniff. He left Man U too early - prompted by the Mrs - and headed for the bright lights of the Galacticos. I presume he left thinking 'I'll show that Fergie, I'll go to Madrid and win lots of trophies' but he never. Real had one of there leaner periods on the cup hunt while David was in the team. It was only his last game for them when he finally won something with the club and I never watched Sky Sports for a whole 24hrs after. I wanted to avoid Becks in celebration mode as he climbed the Cibeles fountain, I know it sounds pathetic but seeing him actually glene some respectability to a not as good as it should of been career would of made me churn up inside and make me do daft things like throw ashtrays at the TV. As for the latest episode in his showbiz life:  David flies home to see sick father. The same father that David would only speak to through his lawyers, not so long ago. The same father who put all his time and effort into making David the footballer he is today. Those Winter nights in the local park teaching his son all the basics of the game, not to mention all the hours spent ferrying his son to and from his match's. His father who answered "Because he's alway's right" When David asked him "Why do you always take the bosses [Fergie] side" after the famous missing training to look after a sick kid senerio. He knew his father was right but he took his wifes side in the argument. This was the first crack in their relationship and with Posh's help the crack turned into the grand canyon. How could you shun a father, especially one that's made many sacrifices when David was younger, like making sure he always had Man u's new kit ever christmas and making sure David got to see as many Man U games as his pocket could afford. Ted is not the only one that Brand Beckham choose's to ignore, it would seem that his Mother and sister don't get a look in either. While the otherside of the family -Victoria's side - are all on the payroll of Brand Beckham. Quite hefty pay packets for doing meanial jobs from what I've heard. That brings us nicely on to Vickie........and yer know what I can't be fucking arsed even writing about her. I get that mad just thinking about her, I don't want to waste 20 odd hate filled minutes writing about that human being. I'd rather spend it reading a good book or listening to some decent music.




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