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The Swine Guide To Kicking the Kredit Krunch
By Kirsty Walker
If you're reading this you're probably huddled around a clockwork Mac in a school gymnasium, having bartered the sleeves from your Lyle and Scott pullover for ten minutes online time. The Kredit Krunch has been hard on us all, but Swine is here to assist you with the simple process of living now that the economy is in ruins and marshall law is just around the corner.
Tip 1 – Foraging
It's been a couple of weeks so your body has run out of fat reserves and is now burning off muscle and sinew. Shortly your limbs and extremities will contract from tissue wastage, leaving your gnarled hands looking like grasping Madonna-claws. Now is the time to forage for seasonal bounty. Roundabouts are a good source of defunct daffodil bulbs, they're near to the surface so you shouldn't expend much energy digging them out with your ragged, bloody fingertips. Another good bet is conkers – they're not as poisonous as they look and you can chew on one for hours if you put your mind to it.
Tip 2 – Shelter
If you're one of the 5 million people whose house is now owned by the Pathfinder scheme, then you'll be living under a tarpaulin while an upwardly mobile first-time buyer snaps up your property as buy-to-let for the cut price of £1.5 million for a one bedroom flat. Tarpaulins are a luxury you can't really afford – but you can get a cheap water butt or compost bin from the council under the European Social Fund Too Little Too Late Environmental Plan, and two people can live in there quite comfortably. To deter squatters, spray paint 'electric off' or 'rats in house' onto the front like they've done on Edge Lane.
Tip 3 – Entertainment
During the war (the Iraq war) people got by on one 40 inch plasma per family, but these are dark times and you'll have to be more creative. If you have children, consider letting them join a 'crew' or a gang run by a friendly old Jewish gentleman who will teach them to do street theatre in the East End of London. The re-introduction of the death penalty under the tyrannical reign of High Commander Ian Blair is a blessing in disguise. Public executions are a cheap day out for all the family, and as they're now being held in stadiums you can once again take to the terraces and yell abuse at paedos, rapists and robbers without having to pay £30 for the privilege.
Tip 4 – Sex
The government's new policy of 'one child per home' contains many loopholes. (You may only have one child, but you can still have two 'dogs'). However, the high price of contraception rules out vaginal intercourse, unless you're a lezzer. Back door action is where it's at, but remember it is still illegal, so if you're caught it may mean castration or eviction from your compost bin. A safer option is just to read each other erotic fan fiction which you can find on any Liverpool FC discussion forum. Just search "Torres, Stevie, hard tackle " and there's a wealth of filthy imaginings to make those mandatory 19 hour nights just fly by. Going gay is another option.
Tip 5 – Alcohol
Alcohol is the only thing that makes life worth living, but high prices and increased demand has priced the average citizen out of the pub. You might try leaving fruit to go off and ferment. I heard that works. Virtually anything that can alter your mind in any way is now too expensive, but a good head injury works every time. You'll feel lightheaded and woozy, slur your speech and pass out, all without spending a penny. Maybe you and a friend could take it turns to smack each other in the head with stones, or run tandem into a wall at full pelt – whichever way you try to do it, those 'hangovers' the next day will make you feel like you've had a great night in Spooners.
So there you have it – the Kredit Krunch doesn't have to be all misery and death – make a bit off effort and it'll be just like the war, which your dad always says was so fucking fantastic. Have fun Swiners!
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