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Binge Drinking or Ant and Dec? 

By David Kenny 


I have a theory that binge drinking in this country is not the result of an unhealthy attitude towards alcohol and intoxication which is exacerbated with draconian and patronising licensing laws, and amplified by the greed of developers and local authorities that have turned almost every city centre and market town into carbon copy plastic toy towns full of modern day gin palaces and tots in pink polo tops. No, its because Saturday night telly is rubbish. They talk about TV dumbing down but its been braindead on a Saturday for years. Talk about insulting your intelligence though, this continual stream of dross gives your intelligence a good kicking, nicks its wallet and throws its keys down a drain.


 Hole in the wall? We actually think this is entertainment now, watching ex soap stars and z listers being pushed into water by a foam wall?? Run an electrical current throw the water and then it’d be entertaining, then I’d watch. Then you have the National lottery Quiz show, as if anyone tuning into the National lottery wants to see some nerk from Northampton win 50grand. In fact the last time I saw this program a woman answered this question “What B is the capital of Argentina?” She said “Brazil” I threw my trainer at the telly. And its not much better on the other side with family fortunes. But now its All Star family fortunes and its presented by professional northerner Vernon Kaye who takes his Brucey impersonation too far, but its okay because he knows he is and its all post modern, so don’t worry about it.


 However its not all bad though. You do get the comic genius of Harry Hills TV Burp. Yes, I know its not Curb your enthusiasm but it makes me laugh, a lot. And then you have the One Shows Christine Bleakley in a revealing samba outfit on Strictly come dancing ( I would do shameful and terrible deeds for that woman).


 It just mystifies me how cavalier the attitude of TV producers must be towards their audience to put this much brain rotting, soul destroying crap over the airwaves. Why they think people want to watch “stars” such as Gemma Atkinsons sister in law win a luxury spa day is beyond me, but then again people must be watching it and that’s why they are TV producers and I’m not. They must be sat down in their glass fronted office towers laughing at how the proles will watch anything they splash out at them. But the very worst one has to be the X-Factor, a show so ludicrous and tacky that the attempted piss take by Peter Kaye recently fell flat on its comedic harris because the fact of the matter is, you would have gotten more (albeit unintentional) laughs watching an episode of the X Factor.


Simon Cowell. He sits and listens, pulls a face, abruptly stops someone who is in obvious need of professional psychological assistance, gives them his pre written piercing jibe and another little bit of both him dies on the inside. The only reason I can see why he goes through his pantomime villain act every week is because he enjoys it, which speaks volumes about the man. But it’s the whole sham of it which offends me, and yes I do feel offended by their lies. He’s a salesmen who knows what he can sell, how he can sell it and who he can sell it to. Yet, he sits and judges them upon their singing ability. This coming from the man who gave us the musical detritus that is Boyzone. This coming from the man who gave us the musical equivalent of cod liver oil, Westlife. This coming from the man who gave us the WWF Superstars!!


Louis Walsh. Spends far too much time around publicity hungry teenage boys with silly haircuts for my liking. God knows what laws he’s broken in the confines of his record company office. And I don’t mean the criminal laws of the land, but the very laws of nature them self. He manages Westlife apparently and no group of people can be so squeaky clean without having some really dark secrets to hide. Now I want to make it clear I’m only speculating but I wouldn’t be shocked if there was ash trays made from human hands, a makeshift opium den and an altar for a black mass on the Westlife tour bus. I reckon Louis has been through that scene near the start of Godfather 2 more times than his immortal soul would bear to remember. Just take a moment and hear his soft Irish lilt saying the words “Its okay, this girl had no family, we’ll take of it, no one will even notice she’s gone missing…” Doesn’t seem so far fetched does it??


Dan… Danni… Danni Mino… Nope, just can’t say her name with a straight face. Just sit for a minute and ask yourself “What is Dannii Minogues most famous song?” I just did, writing this, and I’ve got to admit I don’t have a Scooby doo either. Primarily famous for being outshone by her sister for almost the last 20 years and she has the gall to sit in front of people and tell them they’re not good enough. Freud would have a field day with that one. She didn’t even have the bottle to chin Sharon Osbourne, Cheryl on the other hand would have knocked her spark out. The only thing she has done of any note in recent years is getting a lap dance, which leaves me with all I can say about her “Dip me in honey throw me to the Lesbians.”


Cheryl Cole. What a horrible, vacuous, incubus of a human being she is. I wish she would just disappear back from whatever BMWs back seat she rolled off of in the first place. From Pop Wannabe to WAG in five easy steps via some toilet based assault , but now her high heels are Jimmy Choos and they’re hanging out of a Lexus’ window instead of a 5th hand beamer. Her only plus point is she got rid of Sharon Osbounre, who somehow made a career out of being half pissed and patronising people, but thats her only plus point. She sits and performs every cliché she can think of from sassy attitude to crying at every sob story in a desperate attempt to win the hearts of the public. I don’t know why these celebrities always want to win the publics hearts, I’ve met the public and they’re pricks for the most part ( Sorry that’s a lie. I know why they want to win our hearts by ballroom dancing in the jungle, its so they can get that lucrative Iceland advertising contract, hawking frozen fish and chicken dippers and maybe a recurring spot on Loose Women) And if that’s not bad enough, its on twice on the same bloody night and repeated the next sodding day!! That’s its, I’m away out to get pissed.








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