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Snitches Get Sitges

By Tommy King

Whilst on holiday in the Spanish resort of Sitges last month I was approached by a man in a bar who made an inappropriate pass at me. I was flattered but passed on his offer, but confused he persisted. I had force him away and nearly got into a fight until the barman stepped in and explained something in French to the handle-barred mustached queer bait hassling me. What was his problem? I asked the barman, ‘He though your were gay and because of your physique he wouldn’t accept that you were not, I explained that your were not infact a shirt lifter but a weight lifter’ I explained I was actually neither, I was just a scaffolder from Kirkby. Ah! He replied, so you are neither a shirt lifter nor weight lifter but a shop lifter!’

We laughed and gave me a free snowball, which I knocked back in and asked for a pint of Golden instead. This got heads turning in the bar as more cackpipe canbeneros homed in on me. ‘No No No’ the barman said, shoeing them away las they gathered around me like a flock of pesky bum buzzards. The barman, Gee, then explained to me that Sitges, although a popular family destination was also a gay holiday Mecca, so to speak. Now, I have a wife and three kids but Gee was quizzical as to my presence in his bar. He asked me if was certain I wasn’t a turd burgler, ‘So, how can I be certain you are not a shirt, weight or shop lifter? and asked to fill in a questionnaire…

Before travelling to Sitges, what was the first thing you packed into your case?
a. Leather chaps, grip fitting t-shirts and pink espadrilles
b. Tiger skin leotard, knee support bandages, really wide belt and bullworker
c. Baggy trousers with extra pockets, long mack with false arm

On the plane in flight entertainment has a choice of films, which do you choose to watch?
a. Pumping Iron
b. Awaydays
c. The Bicycle Thief

On arriving at the hotel, you are shown to room but because there is no bell boy, you have to take the cases yourself, do you…
a. Hyperventilate, pull your belt three notches tighter, dust your hands with chalk, pace up and down like a caged lion before seizing the suitcase with both hands, lift the case to your chest then pause for two seconds before letting out a huge roar and ift it above your head
b. Purse you lips and languidly draw your finger along the clerks desk before tutting disapprovingly at the dust, then ask if they have any vaseline
c. Walk out the hotel taking someone elses cases

You go out for a meal, what do you ask the waiter for?
a. Pro-Thyroid weight gain compound with added methoxtest washed down with a glass of steroids and a bowl of non-androgenic anticatabloic growth synergiser for pudding
b. A frozen chicken that has been defrosting down your trousers after your visit to the super mercado and a handful of jarg Spanish curly whirlys
c. Vol-au-vents on a fancy doily followed by fairy cakes and a cup of lady grey tea in a bone china cup

You go the beach and take your MP3 and a book to read, which of the following do you have:
a. Judy Garland Biography, the Collective Works of Barbara Striesand
b. Son of Samson - the Geoff Capes Story, Muscle Bound by Spandau Ballet
c. Richard Madley - In My Own Words, Bank Robber by The Clash

Finally (editor: Thank fuck) you’re in a night club and several men begin stripping off to take part in a naked conga. The snake approaches your table, how do you react?
a. Join them, taking off your cloths and making sure you’re sandwiched tight
b. Wait until the barman joins in before jumping over the bar and emptying the till
c. Stand up and strap a Citroen 2CV to yourself and carry it around an assault course in Malta

Needless to say, I left the bar looking for somewhere that had only Fools and Horse on or a quiz/karaoke/nobbly knees contest and sold decent draft bitter.

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