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Let’s Not Be Beastly To The Beasts

By Phil Thornton


Whenever I hear the words ‘Sex Offenders Register’ I automatically imagine a schoolroom full of paedophiles sat at tiny desks with an exasperated teacher calling names from the front.




‘Yes sir!’




‘Yes sir!’




‘Yes sir!’


‘Evans……Evans stop daydreaming boy!’


‘Sorry sir!’




‘Yes sir!’


‘Glitter……….Glitter……..has anyone seen Glitter?’


‘I think he’s sick sir!’


‘You’re all fucking sick Flynn, that’s why you’re on this fucking register!’


Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not making light of child abuse, I’m not one of those professional contrarians who adopt the interest of the most marginalised members of society and defend their right to do whatever they want to whoever they want in some spurious act of militant libertarianism. No, like any armchair Stalinist, I’m for crushing dissent and deviancy in all its counter-revolutionary forms with the pitiless iron fist of unforgiving authoritarianism. All I’m saying is ‘let’s not tar all paedos with the same brush.’ Let’s not lump them all in the same box or box them in the same lumps; priests, scout leaders, politicians, choir masters, bath attendants, former glam rock idols, it takes all sorts!


Just as people with diabetes don’t like to be classified and defined by their illness - they are people who have diabetes not ‘diabetics’ -likewise paedophiles could argue for similar treatment. They’re just people who y’know fancy kids, don’t label them all ‘paedos’ as if they’re all the same maaan. Don’t oppress the paedos! Some of em may well have progressive views on all manner of social and political issues. In fact I’d wager that most paedophiles, by their very nature, are open-minded kinda folk.


For all I know some of them may well have formed their own pressure groups; ‘Beasts Against The Bomb’ ‘Nonces For Non-Proliferation’ ‘Kiddy Fiddlers Say No To De-Forestation’ that kinda thing. That’d get us thinking of them less as a specific criminal sub-species and rather as a sexually distinct ‘community’; The Under-Age Sex Community perhaps?


It’s only as ludicrous as all these other made up communities. The ‘Gay’ community, the ‘Faith’ community, the ‘Disabled’ community, the ‘Conservative’ community. Where are all these fucking communities anyway?


‘Scuse me mate, do you know how to get to the Cokehead Cheesecake community?’


‘Yeah lad, just go past the Chinese Cockle Washing community and turn left at the Somali Bear Juggling community, keep going past the lights and turn right at the Vegan Sandal Welding community and take the second left into the Law Abiding Air Breathing community, then go round the roundabout and take the first road into the Hardworking Families With Autistic Twins community and you need to go over the road bridge and the Cokehead Cheesecake community is right in front of the old Police station, y’can’t miss it!’


It was Depeche Mode who put it best; ‘People are people so why should it be that we get along so awfully?’ People are INDEED people so let’s be too quick to judge eh? Infact the next time you yell ‘Beast!’ at a gym teacher or a millionaire 60s beat combo guitarist or a lonely lorry driver or an award winning TV comedian found with thousands of sickening images of child abuse on their PCs, just think on, they might simply have been doing a spot of harmless ‘research’ for all you or I know. They may very well be Liberal Democrat voters who recycle their plastic too.








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