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The Mercury Prize

By Phil Thornton 

It’s three cheers for Ankle, the perennial under-achievers of dull, northern epic rock n’ yawn music. Their LP, ‘The Seldom Heard Band’ is perhaps the most boring LP since their last LP ‘The Perennially Over-Looked Band’ and therefore a deserved winner of the UK’s most tokenistic music award. Lead singer Hugh Harvey told Swine ‘It’s a real honour to be voted best album just because we’ve been around for ages making passable dull northern epic rock music that perhaps your mum would play whilst she’s doing the washing up. That’s the true litmus test of success for me, not how good you are but how much you get patronised by middle class southerners.’  


Past winners of this much derided prize have been : Ronny Ethnic for his drum n’ bass masterpiece ‘Coffee Table Moods,’  The Polar Bears with their cheeky literary masterpiece ‘Alan Bennett’s Bell End’ and The Krankeez with their Nu Bluez anthem ‘Mothership to Fatherland.’


Mercury host Jools Smug offered his support for Ankle.


‘I think Ankle have made a really dull record that was far duller than any of the other nominees, whether they were token jazz, token classical, token dance, token folk, token difficult rock, token classic pop or token boogie woogie nu balearia. We thought it was high time the guys got a lovely pat on their lovely Manchester heads for being so very very lovely.’


Lauren Blonde echoed Jools’s sentiments.


‘Oooh Ankle, greet band, ah luvs em me, luvs em, greet, why aye man, you shull have a fishy on a lickle dishy, which camera am I on?’










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