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By Ronnie Ely
Did the vodaphone live awards replace the Britts? What the fuck are they? I’m channel hopping waiting for the Ryder Cup highlights to come on when I stumble on this drivel. The blurb said it's presented by Steve Jones and Juliet Lewis but alas (Schmitt and Jones) it’s not the Pistols bore but that taffy irreverent ‘TV safe’ Steve Jones. Juliet Lewis is probably wondering who he is and she looks like she doesn’t know where she is. Infact, she’s doing a great impression of her seminal bag head character in the Basket Ball Diaries, Diane Moody, stumbling through the show, visibly counting the money she’s earning for this piece of shit.
By the looks of it, the vodaphoney live people have tried to appear both cutting edge and mainstream by having semi trendy EMO bands on, along with presenting Best Live Act to fucking Take That (oh, they’re so wacky). The also drag out an award for Primal Scream, getting the obligatory sweary reception from Manny ‘yeah we don’t give shit man’ but you still turned up on the same show as Take That you knob.
Live acts are blown away by the Pussy Cat Dolls who were jaw dropingly brilliant. Some shitty indie band follows but the audience is covered in goo from the ejeculamenta coaxed out by that hotty with the dark hair that carries the other muts.
I flip over to catch Dawn Porter’s latest barrel scraping programme DAWN NEEDS BUM SEX, following her DAWM NEEDS A LESBIAN ROLLER SKATING NUN, DAWN LIVES AS A BULEMIC COKE SNORTING HIERESS and my favourite DAWN STAYS IN WATCHING THE FRIENDS MARATHON ON E4 WITH HER NICE SIAMESE CAT.
Back over to the vodies(?) the ‘Scream’ are getting a life time type achievement award, presented by ‘Clashes most likely to die first but somehow managing to outlive two of them’ candidate Mick Jones.
Predictably they swear a bit in thick accents and looking awful, thank all the judges for spending the time. The rattle off a couple of lame Stones imitation tracks, yawn. My mate who lived in LA went to party with Bobby Gillespie and said he was off his barnet on some chemical used to develope photos, the freak.
DAWN NEEDS BUM SEX has reached its climax. After she worked her way up from a little finger to a butt plug, she is now lubed and ready for the tower of power. Her floppy Jewish princess fringe rattles as hired meat gun Klaus Pjengmuller expertly reams her like a surgeon with his bountiful beef scalpel. She’s not a convert but like port and smelly cheese, she’d probably indulge at Christmas or Hanukah, a yuletide pork log...hang on, they can't have pork can they?
Over on More 4, the worlds hardest man, Clint Eastwood is beefing up to invade Belize or whatever Caribbean shit hole the yanks invaded because the prez theirs delivery of Lada’s and cigars was misconstrued by Reagan as Soviet-Cuban militarization. What the bejesus is militarization? They conveniently found a diary with an entry ‘The Revo has been able to crush counter-revolution internationally. Airport will be used for Cuban and Soviet military.’ Don’t forget to pick up some cous cous and get Margie’s dry cleaning’. Is Revo like an army of Japanese Devo fans? We are Revo. No, that doesn’t make sense but it would make the constitution easy. When a problem comes along, you must whip it. Anyway, Clint is playing the role of what Colonel Kurtz would have been doing now had he not got into the Golden Bough and questioned his own god like status.
If you’re gonna have a god complex, do it somewhere with decent plumbing, sanitation, ace birds and broadband, not the jungle or Waco. Kurtz would have been on facebook now, whatever that is, telling Andy McNab and Ray Mears about deep cover and seasoning South East Asian dishes with nettles and thistles.
The Marines in Clint’s cabal have a token black singer who’s got a geet in the barracks. That’s why the waffen SS Russian campaign failed, they all got into experimental music and took their eye off the ball, the Russians stuck to folk songs about kidnapping teen brides and cooking stone stews to eat in an ice pond. Communism would have succeeded in a forward thinking country, the Russian peasants didn’t understand its concept, they already had nothing, but now their nothing was owned by the state. That’s my understanding, my granddad was a devout commie, very intelligent bloke from Durban with a silver tooth who hated Thatcher with a passion. I was gonna buy him her biography once but I think he would have bitten my face off. Strange, he had corgis, the Jack Russell of the landed gentry, maybe he was being ironic or it was his way of sticking it to the establishment.
Terminator 2 is on ITV2, Arnie said he’ll be back and the governor of California was true to his word. If the machines could travel back in time, why didn’t they just get the birds ma and kidnap her during the conception period, or just take John Connor's granddad for a round of golf at the now defunct radio active St Michael municipal? What d’ya on that hole lid? ‘10’ 10? You had 10 shots? No 10 on das sperm count, me knackers are glowing after buying lakies (swapies more like) from a six fingered kid with cloven hoofs.
Golf still not on, Cheryl ‘she’s so brave’ Cole, the peoples racist, is on talking about how lucky she is on Jonathon Ross. To paraphrase Thornton GET OVER IT, SLEEP WITH THAT ONE OUT OF THE PUSSY CAT DOLLS OR WOLFGANG DAWN PORTER FOR X-FACTOR. Ben 'plays the same roll every time and makes sure his abs are out in every film to deflect from his freakishly small neck and overtly Jewish looks' Stiller is next up. Oh and he always gets his not that pretty but you would wife in all his films, like Macca and Linda or Clint and Sandra Lock, love is blind, that’s what the man said.
I’ll let him off for Zoolander though, and his dad in Sienfled. He’s promoting TROPIC THUNDER famous for Robert Downey 'I’m okay and not on skag and therefore no longer interesting' Junior. Downey Junior plays an Aussie method actor, possibly based on Paul Hogan, who ‘blacks up’ to play a brother. Sooooo controversial – he obviously stole Phil’s idea about a minstrel anchor man with a very un PC name who read the news in the style of Amos and Andy/Al Jolson ‘Dem People in Thailand shoooo got wet, oh lordy’ Needless to say that, and my ‘It never ends’ sketch with a dead person getting violated in a mortuary, didn’t get picked up ‘We’re looking more for ‘Two pints’ meets Catherine Tate, jokes about ginger people and not chronic onanist DJ bus ride adventures. Well Hollywood have already hacked us, and that Simon Barnes ‘Sports Writer who cut the photo off to show pony but hide his baldy head of the Year’. So self centred and without the irony of Brian Woolnough.
TMF is showing old box grumble opportunity Blue Cantrel (farm, wsag copywrite) Breath. She was an adult actress fact fans, not as tasty as she is in the vid, no professional make up artist in that game, eats into the douche/lube budget.
Back to Rossy, he’s got the acceptable face of gay, Paul O’Grady on. He has a farm next door to Julian Clary, oh my, the innuendo matter would have to be fed into that daft particle accelerator in Switzerland and disambiguated aots. If you can disambiguated cab you ambiguate? That’s too much of a tangent, Derren Brown must have read my mind, he’s pretending to be the or a messiah, what he's delivering, I don’t know. Shouldn’t he spice it up by going to a leper colony, sharing cigars like Papillion? Or have sex with an aids riddled Dawn Porter in a BBC3/More4 collaborating.
The Ryder cups on, I’ve avoided the first days score, but I’m gutted to hear Gary Lineker is covering. Look up cunt in the dictionary…he actually could wait to stop goal hanging so he could be a talking head on the beeb, I can only hope Derren Brown finds some secret room like Patrick Swayzes in Donny Darko in Linekars drum. Flip to BBC2, no neck greasy turd Jools is playing boogie piano with Super Model turned jazz singer turned first lady of France, Carla Bruni. Hopefully she’ll vomit after scoffing a handful of salted peanuts from the mock bar. Will Jools play Boogie Piano with the uber hilarious Metallica? Let’s hope so. Bingo night Live or Ryder Cup? Golf, in Ali, Hunter S Thompson and Gert Frobes stomping ground. Valhala, that’s what golf courses should be called, the Hadees open, Uranus, erm, what’s the pagan heaven?
Enough, this will probably read like the drunken ramble it is tomorrow, oh look McVicar’s on, his fackin trainers are TRX fact fans
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