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Leaked Memo from the NME


By Dave Kenny


Minutes Re: next years NME awards



Sponsorship: Got to get sponsored because Corporate approved rock and roll is where its at nowadays. We could do the usual hair gel deal but apparently there is a South East Asian military dictator with a few bob to spare doing the rounds just now, so hanging on for a better deal might be an option. Sure he might have tortured and killed hundreds of thousands and be wanted for crimes against humanity but imagine how much free Jagermeister he could get us.


Location: We’ll have to get away as far away as Camden as humanly possible, to assure our readerships we’re not just a shallow husk of a publication populated by  Londoncentric, sycophantic media whores whopimp themsleves for the Majors marketing departments. Hmmm…. How about that place next to the O2 arena?? It must be at least three or four stops on the tube from Camden.


Hosted by Lauren laverne, because she is young, hip, trendy and post modern. She’s middle class but in a kinda cool ironic way. She has a regional accent which she’s proud of and provides some “northern Credibility” that our target demographic just love and didn’t sell out and bugger off down to Muswell Hill to join the rest of the media mafia at the smallest slimmer of a TV job...oh hang on a minute. How much it is to hire the Mighty Boosh for the night? How much?!! Bugger that, Laverne will do.


Band line up:

The Amardillo Paramilitaries

Cockney EMO duo - Chas & Death

Clever Name, Shit Band

The Banjo Strings

Desperately sound like Joy Division

Electro Indie kids – Bullied at the Bus stop

ODA (aka Obligatory Dance Act)


The Knobheads in drainpipes.


Guest award presenters:

Judge Dredd look-a-like Kelly Osbourne and the Serial shagger of Shoreditch town Kimberly Stewart.

Peaches Geldoff and the London Ambulance Service.

That Grimshaw nerk off of Radio one, he has an asymmetrical haircut and wears drainpipe jeans with baseball boots, perfect.

Agnyes Dean, because she’s slightly cheaper than Kate Moss.

How about any prick hanging around outside the Electro Ballroom dressed in a crap leather jacket??

Anybody off Skins, they’ll be thankful for the work now.

How much is it for the Mighty Boosh just to present an award?? How much?? Bugger that, we’ll get that welsh tit off T4 to do it, he usually does anything for a couple of sandwiches , and I mean anything.


New Awards

Best band who sound nothing like Gang of Four

Award for not shagging Kimberly Stewart

Award for shagging Kelly Osbourne (you deserve it, you’re a trooper)

Award for crappest Ironic sailor tattoos

Award for being addicted to absolutely nothing

Award for who dresses most like a junk bad without actually being a smack rat..

The Mighty Boosh Award ( the only way to get them to show up without us forking out for it)


Collaboration: One of the mainstays of the awards is the unique collaboration between differing artists and their own take upon a modern classic. Try this out for size.


Kate Nash and Johnny Cash singing the Monster Mash.

What do you mean Johnny Cash is dead?? Get on the phone to Pat Cash, no one will notice the difference.


Aftershow party: at the Post Modern Irony & Duck pub in Hoxton square.

DJing will be Radio 1 spoon and voice of the youth, the immensely punchable Annie Mac.


That’s it sorted for another year, a job well done.












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