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By Andrew Vaughan 


Recently a mob of us got talking about how we used to go to the pub when we were young and just embarking on our drinking life. We were also noticing how you see few young people in your local nowadays. We used to go the local and then go up town. Now these young 'uns just go out at 10pm and hit the £3.95 bottles down Luminar Leisuredome. At this rate in 30 years time there'll be no local pubs.

Every man and woman should have his or her own "local". Pubs where you feel at home in. Pubs where you can go in after an absence of 3 weeks and the landlord will still get you your "usual".


These pubs should be proper pubs. There should be characters of all ages and there must be a dartboard, pool table, a jukebox (to annoy the one's watching the racing), a fruit machine and at least six sets of dominoes behind the bar. There should be distinct areas and you should always have "your own seat or area". Politics is discussed loudly at the bar and it should all consist of "complete bollocks" and everybody should agree. Rival football fans should argue continually, take the piss mercilessly but never come to blows. There should however be a scuffle every couple of months just to remind you that you are in a pub and not a library. It will last for 30 seconds and will undoubtedly be over dominoes!


The food menu should consist of pie and nothing else. Oh except Pork Scratchings for those that insist on a bit of variety. Half the pub must drink mild and there must be bottles of Mann's Brown Ale behind the counter - even if you never see anyone drinking it. Smoking will not be frowned on and kids will not be welcome. There will be a fridge full of Breezers etc for the girls but any man seen drinking one will be rounded on with cries off "puff" and nobody will go to the bog while he's in for the next five weeks. Conversations in the bog will all start with "Alright lad" and will generally finish there.


Any stranger will be eyed suspiciously while any young attractive girl entering the pub for the 1st time will be eyed with great excitement, beer bellies pulled in, and swearing will stop for a good 30 seconds. Sport must be on the television from the moment the pub opens until the moment it closes. This usually results in you watching "Fly Fishing at early knocks and finishing off with WWF wrestling at closing time (which will NOT be 11.10pm). Of course everyone is an expert at everything on the box. Horse racing being the specialised subject. And of course a proper pub should either have a bookie in there, one across the road or a telephone account.


There should always be that changeover period when people coming out for the night bump into those that have been in all day. There should also be people in there that were married to each other but are now divorced and there should be somebody having an affair with somebody else. Everyone in the pub knows this is going on except the husband. There must also be family rows and everybody must complain about the prices even though it's half the price of those at the fleshpots up town.


There must also be the next generation of drinkers coming along. These lads might play football now and be slim and fit but in 6 years they'll be stood at the bar with all the other fat fucks. The pub, meanwhile, must have pool teams, darts teams, football teams, golf societies etc if only so the locals can get loads of free scran when the opposing team fucks off because they've lost and they think cheating was going on. You should also be able to buy or get hold of anything you want.


These pubs are about and hopefully everybody reading this has their own.

It's the rest of the buggers that think 'Chicago Rock' is the place to be that worries me.










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