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What's Your Brass?

By Bernie Bostik


Right your a 100 grand a week Premiership pigs bladder kicker for a top four club, what type of Brass do you require for those seedy afternoon sessions in the Lowry?while your heavily pregnant wags at home fussing around the nursery with some extremely expensive interior designers.


The Rooney Brass - Your bog standard 20 year old stunner that can be found hanging around any VIP area in the city's nightclubs and casinos. She will befriend you at the craps table and woo you with her charm and flash of cleavage, but you will wake up in the morning a couple of grand lighter in the pocket after she informs you that her services did not come for free. Also expect this one to run to the papers in six months time to sell her story.


The Ribery Jailbait -  Plucked straight from a Pierre Woodman Casting X film, this particular piece of jailbait meat can be found getting abused in the sex clubs of Paris and the French Riviera. Be very wary of this one, as she will also run to the papers - when she turns 18 - to sell her story and end up getting you the collar.


The Carra stripper - This one isn't a proper prostitute so to speak.  She describes herself as a 'raunchy' stripper. This one will quite happily turn up at your birthday or Xmas party and perform a titillating, tassel swinging tit show then finish up with her legs akimbo. The pint pot will then be passed around and then it's a free for all on stage as she gives out blow jobs willy nilly. The downside to this one is the undercover reporter stood at the back of the room trying to get a decent picture of your cock.


The Crouchy Señorita  - This Latino lovely will have your head in a spin as she rhumbas her rump in front of you in some Madrid nightclub. This one works on the same principles as the Rooney Brass, in that she will approach you in a nightclub when you are drunk then charge you for sex. These ones do most damage when they run to the press and give embarrassing quotes about you like... "Peter was humble and kind. The Spanish players are arrogant divas who treat me like a whore. I don’t think Peter is good looking, but he is a nice person.


The Anderson/Nani/Ronaldo Handful  - These five girls hail from an escort agency in the Leeds district (which came highly recommended by team mate Rio Ferdinand). All five are party animals of the highest order and they will prove this by coming around to your massive Cheshire mansion and drinking you dry of champers while gyrating around to some shitty R'N'B. Then it's skinny dipping in the pool followed by sex in the sauna, then when the four hours is up, the card swiper comes out the fake 'Louis' handbag and your credit card gets milked of five bags. Surprise surprise these are also the type to go running to the press with embarrassing stories.


The Ronaldo TV - After dropping off your drop dead gorgeous girlfriend at home, you can zoom in your ultra expensive sports car to the local flavela's and there you will find this 'different' type of brass flogging themselves on the pavement. Be very careful though because after taking them home and discovering they are in infact blokes in drag, don't offer to pay them off for their silence, boot them in the balls instead. Even though you didn't indulge in fornication with the blag females they will still run to the newspapers with your money in their back pocket and demand even more money from the editor for stories of drug taking and bumming.


The Avi Cohen Harem - These horny little Jewish princesses can be found plying there trade in the Gash Chamber sex club in down town Tel-Aviv. After partying with them all night they are quite willing for a 'carry out' back to the team hotel, to carry on the party till the early hours. Word to the wise, don't do this on the eve of an important Euro qualifier against Denmark because you will end up getting stuffed 5-0.





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