Episode 5 – Scotch Mist
     
MARENGHI'S STUDY

(Marenghi is sat at his desk, reading from one of his books [The Told])

Garth
Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back. Why oh why had she opened that tomb? The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it. Blood - ruby-red blood, her blood. Blood… and piss and shit. This was the worst day of her life. (Puts book down) Welcome friend. You know, a lot of people say: ''Garth Marenghi?
Isn’t he the guy who writes all that horror crap?'' Well, good luck to you, you’re an idiot. Because my books always say something, even if it’s just something simple like: don’t genetically engineer crabs to be as big as men (cut to shot of Marenghi’s book “CRAB”), there’s always a message or a theme. When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (promo photo – main cast with guns) back in the 1980s, I gave every episode a theme, even when we were running out of time or I was really tired.

Cut to

MARENGHI'S STAIRS

Garth
However, one theme proved so controversial, so dangerous, so radical – the theme's ‘prejudice’, by the way – so outre, out there, that top brass finally pulled the axe on the entire project.

Cut to

MARENGHI'S SPACIOUS BASEMENT

Garth
(Picks out film) Tonight pilgrim, I entrust this episode to you, along with interviews from myself, my publisher Dean Learner (promo photo – Dean and Garth in their directors chairs), and the actor Todd Rivers (promo photo – Dagless and Sanchez), who hasn’t had a decent gig since Boon. These mini-seminars will help further elucidate and unravel the mysteries of Darkplace – so you have no excuse for not getting it. So, (holds up film) here it be – uncut, uncensored, unbelievable, unpalatable. And I sincerely hope you are disturbed… by the show.

Cut to

GARTH MARENGHI'S DARKPLACE OPENING

Cut to

FLYBY OF HOSPITAL. NIGHT

(Mysterious, driving music kicks in, there are various, ghostly growls and noises. The camera pans across the misty grounds of the hospital. Cuts to the hospital reception, where The Extra is sitting and nodding his head to the music, pans to some seats where a man is asleep. Cuts to staff room, where Liz is combing her hair and blow-drying it, in the corner of the room Sanchez is listening to a Walkman and dancing… terribly. The mist can be seen rising in the window behind. Cuts to rooftop, where Dagless is sitting down playing saxophone along to the music. Cuts to Reed’s office, where he is making notes, then sits awkwardly for a bit before finally glancing at the camera.)

Cut to

HOSPITAL WARD. NIGHT

(A female nurse and a male patient are silhouetted against the curtain of a ward cubicle.)

Patient
Mmm yeah! That’s real good! Mmmm… Hey I’ve got an idea, let’s continue this outside in the bushes.

Nurse
But you’re due for your operation in five minutes.

Patient
Oh come on, it’ll be fun!

Nurse
(Giggles along with the patient) Come on! (She leads him out)

Cut to

HOSPITAL GROUNDS. NIGHT

(There is a low mist and more ghostly mutterings)

Patient
Well let’s get down to it right away, I’m feeling really horny.

Nurse
Yes, let’s make love right here on the moor. (Suddenly, two people appear accompanied by the wail of a bagpipe) Hold on, what’s that?

Patient
(Looking around, voice terribly dubbed over) Oh, that's just mist or fog. You'll forget all about it once you're into it.

Nurse
Okay. (They embrace. The mist begins coming towards them, as it gets closer the two begin to cry out… and we can clearly see it’s a smoke machine. The nurse screams)

Patient
Aah! Oh no! Aah… Jesus Christ, what the hell… nooo… aarghh!

Cut to

EPISODE SCREEN: EPISODE 5 – SCOTCH MIST

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
A lot of people write to move. A lot of people write to protest. I write to chill.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
He had a very ambitious script. I said: “Garth, this is a very ambitious script for the money we’ve got – seeing as we’ve got no money. It’s extremely ambitious.” We were filming it in my garage – I had a big garage – but still it was ambitious to film a TV show in a garage.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
Well the thing about Darkplace is that it was a real turning point for me as a writer, because up until that point I’d been writing balls-to-the-wall horror. (Cut to cover of book: Slicer [man with knife approaching his face]; cut to cover of book: Slasher [man with knife approaching his head from the other side]; cut to cover of book: R.I.P.P.E.R. [man with knife approaching his head from above]; cut to cover of book: Slicer IV [man with knife going through his head from beneath]) For this I wanted them to kind of go: “Ooooh”, (promo photo – nurse and patient outside looking scared) and I think that’s one of the great strengths of the program, is that it managed to bridge that gap between AAAGGH! and Oooooh! quite well.

Cut to

IN-CAR. NIGHT

Dagless (v/o)
My name is Dr Rick Dagless M.D. It’s 3am and it’s misty… too misty. And the weatherman had said, and I quote: “More mist to come”. And once you added that to the mist that was already here, you were looking at a whole mess of mist. I’d been called out to the grounds of Darkplace, it was taking ages because of the mist though. There was something about this mist. What? I hadn't the foggiest (smiles to himself. Dagless then presses a few buttons on the dashboard and the car gets a huge boost of speed, accompanied by a wipe left).

Cut to

HOSPITAL GROUNDS. NIGHT

(Liz and Sanch are standing over the bodies of the nurse and patient [whose trousers are mysteriously round his ankles now]. Dagless is talking to two other doctors then joins them)

Sanchez
What do you make of it Dag?

Dagless
I’m gonna level with you Sanchez – I’ve never seen anything like this… in fact, I haven’t got the foggiest idea! (All three laugh uproariously until the sound cuts off abruptly)

Sanchez
Great joke Dag!

Dagless
Cheers I thought of it in the car.

Liz
Look (points to the bodies, camera zooms in) their faces are patterned. (The patient and nurse do indeed have strange tartan markings on their faces)

Dagless
Good work Liz. (Looks to the floor next to where the corpses lie. There is a small pile of oats)

Liz
What is it Rick?

Dagless
 (Puts some of the oats in his mouth and tests it against his gum. Ponders) Porridge! I think I know what did this.

Cut to

REED’S OFFICE

Dagless
Scotch Mist.

Reed
Scotch Mist Dag! But what’s Scotch Mist?

Liz
(Sitting behind a computer monitor) One moment while I cross-fertilise the data. (Begins typing, she presses about three buttons, yet it sounds like someone speed typing. Printer takes a split second and Liz hands Reed the printout) According to my printout, Scotch Mist is an evil Highland force – the ghosts of Scottish warriors trapped in foggy mist. (The printout reads: MY PRINT-OUT – SCOTCH MIST: An evil Highland Force – the ghosts of Scottish Warriors trapped in Foggy mist.)

Reed
Well I’ll be dead and rained on! Ever since Dag reopened the gates of Hell last week, there’s been a glut of fresh terror on the wing.

Sanchez
But why would long-dead Scottish warriors trapped in the mist come so far south?

Dagless
To kill the Queen. And then destroy our way of life. That’s what every Scotchman wants.

Liz
You can’t say that.

Dagless
Believe me Liz, I know. I’ve met a lot of Scotch people. They want what we’ve got: order, sobriety, hope – everything Romford stands for. They’re jealous of our Continental ways.

Reed
Well all I know is that I’ve got a hospital to run. You’d better do something, and fast (thumps desk) ‘cos I don’t want to be sitting here this time tomorrow with mist up my crack. Do I make myself clear? Good, now get! (Phone rings) That’s the phone. (Picks it up) Hello… Speaking… I beg your pudding?... And the same to you too! (Puts the phone down) Of all the nerve!

Dagless
 (Looking mischievous with Sanchez) Problem Thornton?

Reed
Someone’s given my number out… says I’m running a massage parlour. Now who’d have pulled a stunt like that?

Dagless
I don’t know Thornton, some people are animals.

Reed
Well if I catch the culprits I’ll string them up by their Buster Browns.

Dagless
Not if I catch the mongrel first.

Reed
I just don’t understand it. Why are you two still here? Scram!

(Sanchez and Dagless do their trademark handshake and leave the office. Their footsteps carry on even though we can see they’ve stopped just outside the door)

Cut to

HOSPITAL EXTERIOR. NIGHT

Dagless (v/o)
(Bagpipes are playing in the distance) The mist rolled relentlessly round Darkplace. Much like smoke or fog.

Cut to

HOSPITAL STAFF ROOM. NIGHT

(Dagless, Sanchez and Liz are staring out the window at the mist.)

Dagless (v/o)
We stood transfixed for what seemed like forever… but was probably nearer twenty minutes to half an hour.

Liz
What is that sound?

Dagless
That’s a bagpipe.

(Liz suddenly begins freaking out)

Sanchez
Dag it’s Liz… She’s having a vision! (He strikes a martial arts pose)

(Liz screams)

Cut to

HOSPITAL GROUNDS. NIGHT (LIZ’S VISION)

Jim
(Jim is brandishing two sticks as a cross [but sometimes not] at three kilt-clad, orange-haired Scottish warriors) Go away… I demand that you go. Please be gone. Oh my God… you must go. (The warriors advance on Jim) Please…

Cut to

HOSPITAL STAFF ROOM. NIGHT

(Liz screams again but stops abruptly when Dag punches her hard in the face)

Liz
Thanks Rick I was hysterical.

Dagless
What is it?

Liz
It’s Jim – he’s out there. (Liz and Dagless look out the window again… Sanchez then leans into shot from behind Dagless)

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
We found out that the mist was poisonous when two techies died yes. Now I don’t like see anyone die, but if someone has to die, it might as well be a techie (pauses) because another one comes along – it’s the same belt, it’s the same hammer in the tool belt, you can barely tell the difference.

Cut to

HOSPITAL GROUNDS. NIGHT

(A crow caws. Dagless, Sanchez then Liz emerge from the hospital, each wearing a luminous headband and holding a mini fan.)

Dagless
Keep your headbands on, that way we won’t get lost. And use your fans sparingly – they eat through batteries and if you’re not careful they can nick your fingers. Stay local. (They switch on their fans, Sanchez strikes a martial arts pose and they set off into the mist)

Sanchez
Just out of interest Dag, what kind of batteries are you using?

Dagless
Powerzone Turbo Cells. Got a bag of ‘em down Herne Bay market – One pound, thirty batteries.

Sanchez
Hmm… can I speak frankly?

Dagless
Of course.

Sanchez
If you act like a cheap arsehole, expect the shittiest portion.

Dagless
Let me live my own life Sanch. They’re fine.

(They come across Jim who’s lying on the ground – with a tartan face)

Sanchez
Look it’s Jim! He’s been struck by the mist, though he’s still alive unbelievable as that seems. (The three Scotch warriors are standing nearby in the mist)

Dagless
Quick, let’s run into that outhouse.

(Picking Jim up and with much muttering and drama, they slowly make their way into a wooden building)

Sanchez
Just over there. (He begins taking Jim’s pulse and timing it with his watch)

Dagless
(Waiting to close the door) MOVE YOUR ARSE LIZ! (She gets inside and Dag slams the door. Close up on his face) You Goddamned evil, misty Jocks!

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
Listen to me: I am not prejudiced, alright, that’s what I’m saying – I am not prejudiced. But Joe-Public is. You probably are, you look like a dropout (shrugs). Point being, I wrote this to heal Britain.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH RIVERS

Todd
Scotch Mist some thought was fairly racist… I didn’t to be honest. Thing is, I’d play anything: a Nazi, anything at all. I never, I don’t think I’d ever kiss another man, you know, not even for the big boys.

Cut to

HOSPITAL GROUNDS. OUTHOUSE. NIGHT

Sanchez
Have you ever been to Scotland Dag?

Dagless
(Pauses… and in a whisper) Once.

Sanchez
What was is like?

Dagless
I remember it much as one recalls a dream… or a nightmare. I was on a budget flight to Norway, when a storm hit and forced us to ditch in Glasgow Prestwick. I was stranded, and it’s so hilly up there you can’t get any signal on your car phone. It looked bad – it looked like I was gonna have to spend the night in Glasgow.

Sanchez
Jesus Christ!

Dagless
The cabin crew suggested we all go out and club it. I had no option; it was that or one of there B&Bs. I figured it’d be safer on the streets. For the first time ever I saw the Scotch in their natural habitat, (Jim looks horrified) and it weren’t pretty. I’d seen them huddling in stations before, being loud but… this time I was surrounded (Liz looks horrified). Everywhere I went it felt like they were watching me; fish-white flesh puckered by the Highland breeze; tight eyes peering out for fresh meat; screechy, booze-soaked voices hollering out for a taxi to take ‘em halfway up the road to the next all-night watering hole (Liz and Jim look more and more shocked). A shatter of glass; a round of applause; a sixteen-year-old mother of three vomiting in an open sewer, bairns looking on, chewing on potato cakes. (Pauses) I ain’t never going back… not never.

Sanchez
My aunt lives in Scotland, she says it’s quite nice.

Dagless
Well she’s wrong.

Cut to

BREAK

Cut to

HOSPITAL GROUNDS. OUTHOUSE. NIGHT

(Jim’s face is now clean and he’s got a blanket on him. Sanchez is trying to get his fan to work)

Sanchez
(Under his breath) Bloody thing’s cut out.

Liz
(Gazing out the window, and suddenly points) Look, the mist is retreating.

Sanchez
(Points out the window too) She’s right the mist is retreating.

Dagless
(Looks round) You’re both right, it is retreating. Okay… you two get Jim back to the hospital, I’ll cover you. (No one moves a muscle)

Cut to

HOSPITAL GROUNDS. NIGHT

Dagless (v/o)
Heroically I let Sanch, Jim and Liz run back without me. In my private bones I knew they’d be safe. This mist was out for one person only, and that person, me thought, was moi. I ran… ran like my life depended on it – which it did.

(Dagless runs through the grounds, until he hears a low growling sound. He stops to see a set of bag-pipes on the floor. They leap at him and begin to wrestle. Dag’s trousers are torn away and his legs are glowing bright orange. He throws aside the bagpipes and clutches at his legs in pain)

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
As a writer, I make my own rules up okay. If I wanna start a sentence with a full-stop I will. If I want to highlight social prejudice, I will – but I’ll do it my way. And sometimes you actually have to be a bigot, in order to bring down bigger bigots.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
At the end of the day, this is not just a horror show; this is a show about great, original writing.

Cut to

HOSPITAL STAFF ROOM

(Liz and Sanchez are looking out of the window)

Sanchez
Where the hell’s Dagless? He should be back by now.

Liz
We have to help him!

Sanchez
No dice Liz, we’d never make it; (holds up fan) the batteries in these fans are spent – I think they were warped.

Liz
That’s what you get when you buy cheap batteries.

Sanchez
Oh tell me about it, you try and make a saving, and economically it’s more sensible to buy from a reputable high-street retailer.

Liz
And not from some street-corner fly-by-night with a suitcase.

Sanchez
Exactly! Who knows, they may even be stolen.

Liz
But the initial price of a name battery is so much higher.

Sanchez
I’m afraid they’ll always be dearer Liz, but you’re paying for reliability. I personally use rechargeable batteries – couldn’t use my charger last night though ‘cos I was up playing the keyboard till two.

Liz
Well we probably ought to check in with Reed. Maybe he has a supply of name batteries like Duracell or Ever Ready.

Sanchez
Well you’d hope so.

Cut to

REED’S OFFICE

Reed
(On the phone) I told you before; I don’t do that kind of thing. (Hangs up, makes a curious noise) Another one! As if I didn’t have enough on my plate what with this mist (pauses, then glances behind out of the window), and just listen to the answerphone.

Answerphone voice
Hello, I’m calling about arranging a massage. (Sanchez is smiling)

Reed
I mean, I ask you!

(The office door opens, it’s Dagless. He’s bare-legged and his hair is now orange)

Dagless
Take that last bit back!

Sanchez/Liz
Rick!

Reed
(Slightly behind the others) Rick!

Liz
What happened?

Dagless
Shit happened sweetheart. Come on, time’s running out.

Reed
What are you up to?

Dagless
I don’t know yet. Slow it down twenty six percent. Shhh… listen.

Answerphone voice
(Reed presses one button which seems to simultaneously rewind the message to the right place, play it back again, and slow it down twenty six percent. As the message is played back, we are given subtitles to translate the Scottish) Och… …kill… …Daglass… …mon.

Liz
What does it mean?

Sanchez
I know “mon” means “man”, but I don’t think “och” means anything.

Dagless
It’s me they want… and that’s what they’re gonna get.

Sanchez
But why you Dag?

Dagless
I did a stupid thing on that night in Glasgow; I went into a chip shop and I ordered a cheeseburger.

Reed
But that could’ve happened to anyone. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

Dagless
Wait Thornton, that’s not all. I ordered this cheeseburger, but instead they put a frozen slab of meat in a deep fat fryer and served it to me in a tissue. (Sanchez ponders this and seems to conclude that it makes sense) I refused to pay. An argument ensued and I said some very racist things about the Scotch and about how fat a lot of them were, probably on account of what they did to their burgers. (Liz nods) That’s why this mist is here: revenge. I’m gonna have to face them.

Sanchez
I’m coming with you Dag.

Dagless
No you’re not Sanch.

Sanchez
Fair enough.

Dagless
I’ve been running from the Scotch all my life. I’m going solo on this one – man to Scotch man.

Sanchez
Then take this (pulls out a flick knife), it’s my flick knife. (Hands it to Dag)

Dagless
Thanks.

Liz
And you might need this (holds up some knuckle dusters then hands them to Dag). Be careful with it, it’s my mother’s.

Reed
(Pulls out a paper bag) And take this... (Hands it to Dag)

Dagless
What is it?

Reed
Something that might come in handy. (Dagless starts towards the door) And Dag…

Dagless
Yeah?

Reed
Put your trousers on.

Dagless
I’ve gotta do it like this. (He strides out of the office holding the bag)

Cut to

HOSPITAL GROUNDS. NIGHT

(With his red hair and no trousers, Dagless walks through the mist; a crow caws. He is then face to face with the Scottish warriors – each clutching their sword handles. They, face each other down, high-noon style, for well over a minute. Then Dag holds up the paper bag causing the warriors to draw their swords, so he places the bag on the floor and steps away)

Dagless
Please… accept this shortbread. (The warrior leader looks in the bag) I’m afraid I can’t offer you any salt to go with that. (They take a biscuit each, eyeing Dagless suspiciously) I know it’s me you want. (Sound of very loud chewing) Look I just wanna apologise for what I did to your countrymen.

Warrior
(With subtitles and in a thick Scottish accent) You said some pretty nasty things.

Dagless
Look, didnae get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the Scotch people – I love Lulu and if Taggart’s on, I’ll tape it. I was very tired that night and I was pissed off I was in Glasgow. Colleagues of mine have since visited it, during the day, and they say they’ve had a cracking time. I’m sorry. I was wrong. I see that now. (Tares open his shirt revealing his bare chest. Gets down on one knee) My life is yours.

Warrior
(Gestures to get up. Daglass stands) You have showed courage and dignity. You are a true Highlander (subtitles tell us that “Highlander” means Scotch Person). Take these, and remember us. (The warrior gives Dag a set of bagpipes)

Dagless
(The warriors disappear one by one) What about the hair?

Warrior
It’ll grow oot.

Cut to

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR. MORNING

(Sanchez and Liz are walking towards Reed’s office)

Sanchez
…It was very very cheap. (He pauses outside the office and puts his arm across the door) You like Scotch food Liz? I know a little place we can go.

Liz
I know a little place you can go – it’s called: To Blazes. (She steps under Sanch’s arm and into the office)

Sanchez
(Ponders the comment for a little too long) HEY! (Enters Reed’s office)

Reed
(Inside, Reed is at his desk smoking a cigar, Dagless is standing with hand on chin) Well done fellas and Liz! (Sanchez squeezes in front of Liz to get into the shot. Phone rings) I’m sure this’ll be Won Ton congratulating us. (Picks up phone) Hello?... Beg your pudding?... NO! For the last time, that’s not my bag! What’s wrong with you people? (Gestures for them to leave the office) I mean I’m just trying to run a decent hospital and you people keep bothering me, in the most rude manner imaginable. (They leave the office) Get out of the office… thank you.

(They walk out laughing; Reed muttering still down the phone. Dagless is now wearing a kilt)

Liz
You guys are so cruel.

Dagless
I’m gonna get out of here for a bit – grab some air.

Sanchez
Hang loose. (They do their trademark handshake and Dagless exits) I wonder what brought them here Liz. Was it Rick? Was it this hospital? Or was it both?

Liz
…Or all three? (They go their separate ways)

Cut to

HOSPITAL ROOF. MORNING

(Dagless is playing the bagpipes; amazingly he can play them perfectly)

Dagless (v/o)
One mist had gone, but another mist remained… a worst mist. A mist that fogged men’s minds: the mist of mist-understanding. Luckily this mist was just a metaphor and wouldn’t really affect things that much. On a nearby rooftop a bird took flight, but not even that could spoil this beautiful moment, as rosy-fingered dawn cupped Romford in its hands and thumbed open the new day’s crack.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
I love Scotland. You know, I’ll take the high road, I’ll take the low road… I think both are valid.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
I once tried to open a string of gentlemen’s clubs near Fife – north of the border. But, they’re just not ready. Glasgow’s been industrial for a while but in many ways it’s still a third-world country up there… but they’d be the first to accept that.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
Things are improving by degrees; today, if an Englishman meets a Scotchman, or vice versa, 50-50 they’re gonna get along – and that’s a very encouraging statistic.

Cut to