Episode 6 – The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shuggoth
     
MARENGHI'S STUDY

(Marenghi is sat at his desk, reading from one of his books [Juggers])

Garth
He whisked off her shoes and panties in one movement, wild like an enraged shark, his bulky totem beating a seductive rhythm. Mary’s body felt like it was burning, even though the room was properly air-conditioned. They tried all the positions: on top, doggy, and normal. Exhausted, they collapsed onto the recently extended sofa bed. Then a Hell-beast ate them. (Puts book down) Welcome friend. I’m Garth Marenghi, horror writer, although I also pen westerns and erotica to keep my oar in with other fields of literature.

Cut to

MARENGHI'S STAIRS

Garth
I’ve always loved the great tragedies – King Lear, the Poseidon Adventure, Superman 2 – and when I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace (promo photo – main cast with guns), I set out to continue that grand tradition. This eve’s yarn is a simple tale o’ heartbreak. An eternal story of love and loss, set against the backdrop of an abortive alien invasion. Though you don’t actually fine out it’s abortive till the end of the show. It’s my Romeo and Juliet, but less whiny.

Cut to

MARENGHI'S SPACIOUS BASEMENT

Garth
So, dear pilgrim, I give you my hymn to the heart – with horror… along with interviews from myself (promo photo – Dean leaning on Garth), my publisher Dean Learner and the actor Todd Rivers (promo photo – Todd with Garth). That way you won’t have to think for yourselves, which is probably safer. Hold it gently, as you woulds’t a lover, lying in a field, nestled in the shade of a mighty oak tree. Perhap’ you’re gently petting, having just enjoyed a hamper of chilled white wine and a selection of continental cheeses. Bon apetit.

Cut to

GARTH MARENGHI'S DARKPLACE OPENING

Cut to

HOSPITAL CORRIDOR. NIGHT

(A hospital porter is pushing a woman on a bed. There is a strange green gas coming from an air vent)

Porter
Ooh… ooh one moment. Nature calls, if you know what I mean. I’ll just leave you briefly by this air vent. (Goes into the gents)

(The vent emits more mysterious green gas which covers the patient)

Porter
(Leaves the toilet, looks horrified and screams) AAAARGGGGH… GAAAAA….

Patient
What is it?

Porter
I forgot to flush!… Urgh…Oooh! (Returns back to the gents)

(The vent continues to emit the gas and the patient inhales some. When the porter returns he looks at the patient’s fingers. Camera zooms in and we see the tips are covered in a bright green fuzz)

Porter
(Goes to the telephone) Get me Dr Rick Dagless M.D. – NOW! Yes I’ll hold.

Cut to

EPISODE SCREEN: EPISODE 6 – THE CREEPING MOSS FROM THE SHORES OF SHUGGOTH

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
(Dean holding up Garth’s original manuscript) The script to Shuggoth was based on an old sonnet sequence I wrote when I was sixteen. I’m a language junkie, that’s my hit. I get off on language. I mean, you know, just to think of that poem by Wordsworth: “I wandered lonely as a cloud, that floats on high o'er vales and hills. When all at once I saw a cloud, a host of gleaming daffodils”. You know, and to think that there weren’t even rhyming dictionaries around when Bill wrote that – it’s very humbling.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
Garth is the most significant artist that I’ve ever worked with, and I’ve worked with Lulu and four other people. So we’re talking crème de la crème.

Cut to

IN-CAR. NIGHT

Dagless (v/o)
My name is Dr Rick Dagless M.D. A woman turned green last night, the porter said he saw her breath in a green gas. Could this be linked to the green cloud of gas that was directly over the hospital’s ventilation shaft? I was cruising down to Ward B to find out. I’d stopped out of my way to give Sanchez and Asher a lift – a courtesy for which they’d yet to thank me.

Dagless
(Looking pissed off he turns to Sanchez) You’re welcome!

Sanchez
What the hell’s the matter with you Dag?

Dagless
Nothing. (Tense pause) What are you doing for dinner tonight Liz?

Liz
Oh… um nothing really… why, are you asking me out? (Starts playing with her hair)

Dagless
No no no! (Liz now looks embarrassed) Just trying to get some recipe ideas. Finding food a real bore at the moment.

Sanchez
What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup...

Dagless
Yeah.

Sanchez
…Heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie, sausage roll.

Dagless
I’ll get a Wimpy.

Sanchez
Your call Dag. (Looks in the mirror at Liz) Liz, fancy egg in soup? I’m free this evening.

Liz
No I think I’ll wash my hair.

Sanchez
Okay…

Liz
Plus I’ve now got a headache.

Sanchez
Sure, whatever. I’ll put some sounds on – there’s a bad atmosphere in here.

(80’s synth-rock ballad kicks in as Sanchez looks ponderously out of the car window)

Sanchez (thinking)
Why won’t she be mine? I wish I was more attractive like Dagless. Still one can only dream.

Cut to

MUSIC VIDEO – ONE TRACK LOVER

(Various scenes, involving Liz, Dagless, Reed and Sanchez in various clichéd activities)

Sanchez (singing)
I’m a one-track lover, down a two-way lane.
Drivin’ fast down the Highway, must’ve been insane.
Cos the temperature’s too high. Travellin’ way too fast.
And I knew our lovin’ was too hot to last.

(Guitar solo – played by Dagless on the hospital roof)

Reed (rapping)
She’s smooth like ice,
Cold to the touch and it isn’t very nice when you’re left, (Sanch – “cold to the touch”)
Alone, your lady treats you bad leaves you hangin’ on the phone. (Sanch – “It’s hard enough”)
Take off, shove your lovin’ in the wheels, put the pedal to the floor cos you’re heading for the hills. (Sanch – “we should be making love”)
Gotta get away, can’t take it no more.
Man you don’t need this, (Sanch – “we should be making love”)
Leave her at the door.

Reed
The door… The door… The door. Sanch! Open the door. Open the door Sanch. Sanch?

Sanchez
Sorry Thornton, bad dream.

Reed
Count yourself lucky…

Cut to

HOSPITAL (WARD B). NIGHT

Reed
…Look at her! (Reed points to the other side of the room)

(They all turn to look at the patient, whose skin is now green. Camera zooms in on Sanchez)

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH RIVERS

Todd
It can happen, (clicks fingers) like that. You can fall in love in an instant.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
Todd’s wonderful in this episode, and there are scenes with him and me where I think you’re watching him as much as me.

Cut to

HOSPITAL (WARD B). NIGHT

(Zoom in on Sanchez’s face again)

Liz
Apparently she was in for a routine operation to have her toe shortened, which was really long, like a finger. Then next thing she knew this happened. All in all she’s a little off colour. (Laughter)

Sanchez
You shut your mouth Liz! (She immediately has mascara running down her face from the tears)

Dagless
No you shut your mouth Sanch, that was funny. If we lose our sense of humour in this place we might as well kill ourselves.

Reed
He’s right Sanch – One of the main reasons I went into medicine was for the laughs… that and the pussy. And that dried up ten year ago if you’ll pardon the expression.

Sanchez
That may be so, but that’s no reason to mock this poor woman’s condition. Look, I’m going to stay with her, talk to her, help her. It’s called a bedside manner, heard of it?

Dagless
Heard of yours pal.

Sanchez
I’ve had it with you clowns (walks off).

Reed
He’s acting like a jerk. Come on Liz, coffee’s on me.

Dagless
But coffee’s free here.

Reed
(Comes in from side of shot, meaning Dagless has been talking to thin air) Shhhh, she don’t know that! I’ll look after Liz, you get this skin sample analysed. (Holds bag containing green powder) And keep this shtoom – if Won Ton gets wind of this my arse is grass and he’s got a lawnmower. Ya dig?

Dagless
Ten-four.

Cut to

HOSPITAL (DAGLESS’S OFFICE). DAY

(Rick is looking through a microscope at the skin sample. The magnification shows a piece of broccoli)

Dagless (thinking)
Funny…

(He picks up the phone and punches in a couple of numbers)

Dagless
Hello is that Gavin the hospital gas expert?... Well can you put Gavin on... Hi Gavin. Just a quick question re that green gas in the sky last night… (Long pause) Sorry I thought you were gonna speak. Yeah. Could the green gas have contained cosmic fungi and/or sent down spores? It could! And those fungal spores could infect a person?... Only if the person had been left directly next to an air vent. Cheers Gavin, I owe you a beer – actually you owed me one from before, so we’re quits. (Hangs up. He then tastes the sample from the slide) Broccoli… She’s turning into broccoli.

Cut to

HOSPITAL (WARD B). NIGHT

(The green patient is still in bed, Sanchez has prepared some food)

Patient
Mmm, something smells good.

Sanchez
It’s egg in soup.

Patient
Mmm…

Sanchez
Here, let me cut up your pork pie.

Patient
(Pours a little soup down herself and looks at Sanchez seductively) Whoops!

Sanchez
Ah, you’ve spilt. I’ll get a nurse to help you out of that night-dress.

Patient
I’d think I’d be more comfortable with… a doctor’s touch. (They nod at each other)

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
As a horror writer there are certain words you don’t use when you’re writing a sex scene: balls, knickers, scrote. It’s not clever, it’s not sexy, it’s bad writing.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI AND LEARNER

Dean
I read modern writers and it’s: “screw this”, “he licked her”, “she sucked that”, “he bit the other”, you know… “someone put it there”, “he held it”, “it was a this frequency”. I mean, where’s the sensuality?

Garth
Well exactly! Where’s “He glided in liquid smooth”? Where’s her “wispy mound”?

Dean
Where’s her “sacred V”?

Garth
“Honeyed lining”?

Dean
Her “Mossy cleft”?

Cut to

HOSPITAL ROOF. NIGHT

(Dagless and Reed are looking out at the green mist in the sky)

Dagless
Look at that! Makes you wonder what else is up there. All our broccoli must have come down from these skies, billions of years ago. Over time it’s evolved, become less aggressive.

Reed
Broccoli from space – I wondered why it tasted odd.

Dagless
This is serious Thornton.

Reed
Come on Dag, that was funny.

Dagless
You’re right. That was funny. I’m just worried about Sanch. How’re we gonna tell him that this time tomorrow the girl he loves will be a complete vegetable.

Reed
Broccoli.

Dagless
I can cope with constant bereavement… he can’t. Most people can’t.

(From nowhere, Liz enters the scene)

Liz
That’s not all Reed and Rick.

Reed
Isn’t it?

Liz
No. Gavin the hospital gas expert just called. He handed me this. (She hands Dagless a printout titled: GAS TEST RESULTS. It’s a graph with meaningless results on it)

Dagless
Well according to this, the broccoli spores can be passed on during the act of physical lovemaking.

Reed
But if it’s passed to Sanchez, half of Romford could have it within the week.

Liz
If they have made love, there’s a fifty percent chance Sanchez has got it.

Dagless
Well, we’re gonna have to hope Sanch ain’t dipped his wick, otherwise this could go nationwide.

Cut to

HOSPITAL (WARD B). NIGHT

Sanchez
Bang goes my Hippocratic oath.

Patient
Have you ever done that before?

Sanchez
What, making love?

Patient
No, I mean with a patient…

Sanchez
Once or twice, but they were dying, it was their last wish. But with you it was real. I did it because you’re different. Plus I think I’ve got a thing for green women.

Patient
Hold me in your arms.

Sanchez
We don’t know each other’s names…

Patient
Linda.

Sanchez
Dr Sanchez.

Linda
(They hug. Linda looks at her fingers which now have broccoli florets on the tips) Ohhh!

Sanchez
What is it?

Linda
I’m just so happy… (But her eyes reveal her grief)

(Sanchez makes an odd squeak)

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
The cosmic spores, of course, represented AIDS.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
I have had such terrible experiences with that… with the AIDS. I’ve lost so many friends to that terrible disease. My half brother who was such a promising dancer (photo of his brother), very quietly and very peacefully, he want. (Pause) And then… Freddie went.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
Back then no one would touch this subject. You know, it was us and Princess Di.

Cut to

BREAK

Cut to

PADRE’S VESTRY. DAY

Padre
What’s the matter Dag? You look like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders – if you catch my drift, as it were.

Dagless
Have you ever been in love Padre?

Padre
Only with the holy three. (Points up to Heaven) Ha ha.

Dagless
It can make you feel like the King of the World, or…

Padre
A complete tool?

Dagless
It’s powerful stuff. My best friend’s woman’s gonna die. She’s turning into broccoli.

Padre
(In Latin) Jesus Christi!

Dagless
It’s taking her over. It’s very infections Padre, and I fear the only way to stop this spreading will be to boil her.

Padre
You… could… steam her.

Dagless
How does one weigh the happiness of these two star-crossed lovers – Romeo and Juliet – ‘gainst the future of Romford?

Padre
You’ll know what to do. You’re the most sensitive man I know… and I know God.

Dagless
Thanks for the advice; I knew I’d be right. (They stand)

Padre
Come on, come to Padre… Embrace the infinite. (They hug, Dag groans) Yup… that’s it, that’s it… come on. (Dagless walks off) If you need me, I’ll be right here in the vestry – if not, I’ll be out in the jeep.

Dagless
Cheers Padre.

Padre
Stay holy.

Dagless
Amen.

(Padre clicks four times and his fingers form a crucifix)

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
When I pray, and sometimes I do, I pray to myself. I pray that I can pull myself through. And if I’m lucky, I answer myself.

Cut to

HOSPITAL (BAR). EVENING

(The Extra, who is now a waiter, has to move backwards out of shot. Sanchez walks to the bar)

Sanchez
Champagne on ice for bed 395 and make sure it’s in the bucket – I wanna surprise Linda. (Dagless is sitting at the bar. Jim [who is the barman] instantly produces a bucket containing Champagne) And I’ll have a double scotch and I imagine my good friend here will have the same. (Jim produces two ready-poured double scotches) She’s a hell of a woman. (Raises his glass) To Linda, and her speedy recovery.

Dagless
Yeah…

Dagless (thinking)
How can I tell him she’s dying? It’ll tear him apart.

Dagless
Sanch, I just saw Linda. She told me to tell you that she doesn’t love you and that you should forget anything ever happened because it was meaningless. I’m sorry buddy.

Sanchez
That’s a goddamn lie… You can’t stand it can you Dag! You can’t stand it that this time, I got the girl.

(Sanchez begins to walk away; Dagless grabs him by the shirt)

Dagless
Don’t walk away from me, lover boy.

Sanchez
I suggest you remove your hand or so help me God I’ll knock you down.

Dagless
You’re gonna have to make me. (Sanchez breaks Dag’s hold in a move that’s apparently so good, it was repeated twice)

Sanchez
Okay buddy, let’s dance. (He picks up the Champagne which seems to be glued to the bucket. He swings but Dagless grabs his hand and punches him in the face)

Sanchez (thinking)
Jesus! Been in the gym!

Sanchez
Nice shot buddy.

Dagless
(Rubbing his hand) Look, I’ll level with you: Linda’s dying, she’s turning into broccoli. It’s very contagious, she must be boiled.

Sanchez
Boil Linda? Over my dead body, you bastard!

(Sanchez picks up a stool and swings it. Dagless ducks then punches Sanch in the face again. He swings the stool again and hits The Extra. They then exchange blows and kicks across the room with hugely exaggerated sound effects, until they fall, brawling on the floor)

Sanchez
Christ… dirty trick, on my back… bastard!

(Reed walks in with a shotgun and fires twice into the air)

Reed
KNOCK IT OFF YOU TWO, THIS IS A HOSPITAL!

Dagless
(Standing up) He’s out of line!

Sanchez
I’m out of line? HE’S out of line!

Reed
You’re both out of line! Now I’m not going to stand here and dance for you, I don’t have to. I wanna see both of you in my office five minutes ago, (looks at watch) so you’d best hurry up! (Turns and leaves, accidentally hitting the shotgun on the door, with a thud)

(Sanchez and Dagless scowl at each other, then butt chests and walk out, with Sanch pushing over a chair)

Cut to

REED’S OFFICE

Reed
Look Sanch, I know all about Linda and I’m sorry, God knows I am. But slapping Dag’s ass about the shop ain’t gonna bring her back any. Now if Dag thinks that the only way to contain this is to boil her, then I’m backing him a hundred and ten percent. That means I could backtrack ten percent and I’d still be completely behind him.

Sanchez
You have no idea what this feels like old timer.

Reed
I’ve been there hombre – when I heard my wife died I could barely finish my lunch. But right now Dag and I are more worried about your downstairs area.

Dagless
Sanch, we know what’s up with your meat and two; I saw you in the gents.

Sanchez
Mild discomfort, nothing I can’t handle.

Dagless
Tell Reed what colour it is!

Sanchez
Olive green, what of it?

Dagless
Look we’re gonna have to lop it off, otherwise it’ll spread. I've asked Reed to assist me in the operation.

Sanchez
That rusty general! He’s not been in surgery in ten years!

Reed
I’ve had first-hand experience – I lost a ball in Korea, had to do the op myself.

Sanchez
That was one ball, this is the whole nine yards. No way am I letting him near the old boy.

Reed
(Solemnly) I’d offer you my own if I could… but this is the only way.

Dagless
It’s the only way Sanch… otherwise it’ll spread.

Sanchez
You’re not getting my rod without a fight.

(All three strike a martial arts pose)

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
(Clearly reading from something) The next sequence in the show, alas, is lost. The pertaining can of film was destroyed in a drink-related misadventure in Fulham. It was an idiotic altercation which I bitterly regret both for personal and professional reasons. However, with the aid of some photographic stills taken by the girlfriend of the time, we have reconstructed the missing scenes with added narration from the available cast. I hope that this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama.

Cut to

RECONSTRUCTION

(Scene consists entirely of promo photographs and action pictures. The Darkplace theme tune plays in the background)

Garth (v/o)
Sanchez lunges at Reed but is held down by Dagless.

Dean (v/o)
“Don’t touch it!”

Garth (v/o)
…Sanchez says. Reed calls for backup and a general anaesthetic is administered by a hospital orderly. Meanwhile Linda’s condition worsens. Sanchez is rushed to surgery in a race against time to stop the infection spreading. Reluctantly, and with some difficulty, Dagless and Reed remove the affected penis and leave Sanchez to recuperate. However it is now too late for Linda.

Cut to

HOSPITAL (WARD B)

(Dagless and Liz sit by the bedside of Linda, who is now almost fully broccoli)

Dagless
Hello Linda. You look better. Do you feel you’re getting better? (She gently shakes her head) Now I’ve run some tests and you’re gonna have a long sleep, then you’re gonna wake up again right as rain… and Sanchez will be with you and you’ll have a great future together. Sanch would be here, but he’s out on his rounds helping some crippled children right now. Can’t get him to shut up talking about you. You’ve found yourself a good man. The guy happens to be my best bud in the whole world. (Linda gestures to the side of the bed, Dagless picks up a dreamcatcher) What’s this?

Liz
It’s a dreamcatcher.

Dagless
What’s a dreamcatcher?

Liz
It’s like a wind chime.

Dagless
Then why don’t you say “wind chime!” (To Linda) Thank you. Sanch will love this – he loves wind and he loves the sound of tinkling… and he loves you.

(Linda gasps her last breath, the heart monitor by the bed flatlines and she closes her eyes)

Dagless
She’s gone… she’s all yours guys. (The chef and kitchen assistant, who were standing at the foot of the bed, now wheel her away)

Dagless (v/o)
As Linda breathed her last green breath the cloud disappeared, much like the Scotch Mist did last week… And I went back to my humble doctor’s duties.

Cut to

HOSPITAL KIDDIE WING. EVENING

Child
Fanks for saving my life.

Dagless
You’re welcome little man. (To the child’s mother) He’s a good kid, you gotta keep him off the smack though, otherwise this’ll keep happening. Maybe you should try and get a husband, get some stability in your life okay. (Looks out into the corridor to see Sanchez standing in the gloom with a walking stick) Excuse me. (He walks over to Sanchez) Hey big guy… Take it from Rick I will not rest until I’ve found you an adequate replacement. Linda asked me to give you this. (Pulls out the dreamcatcher)

Sanchez
What is it?

Dagless
It’s a dreamcatcher.

Sanchez
What’s a dreamcatcher?

Dagless
It’s like a wind chime.

Sanchez
I think you should have it (long pause)… for saving my life.

Dagless
Thanks Sanch. (He puts the dreamcatcher back in his coat and begins to walk away. Then he stops)

Sanchez
Wait! Thanks for that lift.

Dagless
Don’t mention it.

(Dagless walks off again but turns around one last time. Liz presents Sanchez with a basket of fruit and Reed arrives to give the thumbs up. They all wave and Dagless returns the gesture with his trademark salute)

Cut to

HOSPITAL ROOF. EVENING

Dagless (v/o)
The broccoli had gone, but the hurt remained – for all of us, not just Sanchez. Darkplace was finding was of getting to us from within, and what we had to fear most, was ourselves – that and AIDS. If you want it, wear one… sex that is, not AIDS – no one wants AIDS. I guess I was gonna have to look out for everyone… not that I get any thanks. (Looks up at the dreamcatcher and smiles)

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
With this show I wanted to make people laugh and cry… and shit themself at the same time.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
I fear that we’re seeing an end to the quality of television that you and I should be able to take for granted. (Promo photo of cast in Reed’s office) We are seeing a dumbing-down of television… (more on-set photos) I think we're living in dangerous times. The horror genre is in decline... Reading is in decline, Literacy, Numeracy – the three Ls are in decline.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH RIVERS

Todd
“You and he were buddies, weren’t you.” Need I say more… need I say more.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
We didn’t know what it was gonna achieve in the long run. (Promo photo – Dagless looking out of the window) We didn’t know it would still be, you know, talked about these days.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH LEARNER

Dean
Garth’s place in history is assured. His place in history is assured.

Cut to

INTERVIEW WITH MARENGHI

Garth
As a horror writer, I don’t ask for much. I just hope I’ve changed the way you think about life.

Cut to

CREDITS & TV COMPANY SIG