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'Er...hello?'
The stranger adjusted his hat, pulling it down over one eye, and turned towards Eustace. He regarded him for a moment, before resting an
intricately-carved runic spear against a towering ash-tree, around which three wild-eyed women were spinning and passing a fine rope..
He produced a clipboard from within his robes.
'Welcome...Mr Quimby?'
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'Yes, that's me...erm, I think I'm a bit lost. Y'see, there was this battle raging around us, and then all of a sudden I seem to be...'
Eustace looked down for a moment and saw the gaping hole in his chest.
'....oh.'
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He looked up at the stranger, and his brow wrinkled. 'I'm sorry...who might you be?'
The stranger sighed, gestured at the spear, and raised his hat slightly.
'Oh. Sorry. I mean...shouldn't Thor be here?'
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'He's gone off in a bit of a huff. The boys been on a bad run of form recently...you know, losing Mr Fuggles so quickly....and then the
unfortunate business of Rabba Shanks. And now you. Loki's been giving him a bit of a hard time as you can imagine. Anyway, I told him I'd deal
with this one for him.'
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'Wow, I'm honoured!'.
'Well, don't be! I just needed to get out of the house for a bit.' He gestured towards a fine-looking building on the far horizon. Even at this
distance, the sounds of a riotous party could be heard. 'Got the builders coming round again. Still moaning about not being paid. Just got a bit of
a cash-flow problem at the moment that's all.Care for an apple?'
'Thanks.'
'So...let's have a look at your file shall we. Now on the positive side...regular and attentive devotion to religious duties...check...yes, he
was quite pleased with that. Especially the THOR! business. Thought that was a nice touch. Lots of shouting...always goes down well...'
Eustace smiled.
The stranger flicked through the clipboard. 'Now, on the other hand...let's have a look at this shall we...?'
A bloodsoaked dwarf stalked out from behind the great ash tree, his fearsome appearance compounded by the fact that he was carrying his head under
his arm.
'Ramon?'
'Hello...Eustace...', said the dwarf, somewhatly irately.
'Are you cross?'
'Too bloody right I'm cross!'
'Sorry. Still...it was an accident. And it must be quite nice being up at the great hall?'
'D'you think they'd let me into the great hall? A bloody headless dwarven priest who's only achievment in his short adventuring life was to stand
too close to some nancy-boy in plate armor waving a two-handed sword around? Oh yes, very bleedin' useful he's going to be come Ragnarok time isn't
he? No, Thor says a couple of millenia out here and I might just graduate to serving the drinks up there, *if* I keep my nose clean.'
'I said I was sorry'
The stranger coughed. 'Moving on...moving on...yes...just take a look at this would you....'
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Thor rolled over in bed, woken by the incessant ringing of the phone. He looked at the clock. Swearing, he lifted the
receiver....
'Dad?'
'Hello son. Quick job for you I'm afraid.'
'd'you know what bloody time it is?'
'Of course I do, I'm the All-Father remember? Shouldn't take long, bit of divine intervention needed.'
'B*llocks. Alright, who is it this time?'
'Never heard of him before. Young chap, Eustace Quimby.'
'Him? The tosser who lopped off the head of a perfectly useful priest of mine? What's he done now...?'
'Lightning bolt. Only his shoes left.'
'Oh right. Well, it's a noble way to go I suppose. And I did always like that THOR! business. What happened, last-ditch battles
against impossible odds and all that... ?'
(pause)
'Dad?'
'Er, not exactly. Seems he bet a friend of his that he 'wasn't chaotic enough' to use a wand of wonder.'
'And he was?'
'Yup. Lightning bolt...straight at him...nothing left. Kind of ironic really - you being the god of thunder and all...'
'Hang on, this f*ckw*t dared his mate to fire a wand at him? I'm not going down there for that!'
'Sorry son...rules are rules...perfectly good divine intervention call I'm afraid...'
'Sod. Alright I'll do it....but it's his last chance'
'Good man.'
'Dad?'
'Yes m'boy?'
'Just don't tell Loki about this, right?'
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'Ah.'
'Ah...indeed Mr Quimby...'
'I didn't *really* think he'd do it...'
'No doubt Mr Quimby, no doubt. Just as you thought it would be impossible to hit a dwarf standing next to you with a two-handed sword.'
'Er...yes...'
'Just, in fact, as you thought it would be impossible to die in combat whilst wearing full plate armor and a ring of protection....'
'Oh. I see. So...well...I don't suppose there's any chance of....you know...just wandering over to the great hall then?'
The stranger shook his head. 'I'm afraid not Mr Quimby. But I have a very important task for you!'
Eustace brightened. 'Really?'
'Yes, I'd like you to stay around here for a while. Keep an eye on the ladies, make sure they keep up with their knitting, that sort of thing.
Oh, and look after the ash tree...it's not been looking too good recently...'
Eustace smiled.
'You can depend on me sir!'
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