THE TEMPLE OF EXTREME PAIN (PARTE DEUX)
	an adventure recap as scribed by doR
	Dramatis Personae   Eustace Quimby, a Paladin of THOR played by PhilJ Herman Krunt Phoenix, a Half-Elven Ranger/Cleric of IDUN played by PJ Hamwold Stoat, a Halfling Druid played by Gray Uryens Leondegrance, a Human Fighter played by Sukh Raven B'Ender, an Elven Magic User played by PhilM Rabba Shanks, a Elven Magic User/Cleric of THOR played by Rich Ooerr Missus, a Human Thief played by DaveG Normus Jeni Tals, a Human Monk played by Kell
	Prologue It had been long six months since the party had dared to venture back out into the hinterland of Essendare, six long months in which they had been held up to public ridicule and vilification by the populace of Essendare, six long months in which they had to re-sit their "Basic Dungeoneering 101" exams, six long months to console the families of the dearly departed Ramon Fuggles (decapitated and very sleepy ex-Dwarf ex-Priest of THOR) and Theopholis Quentin Wildebeaste (a very not alive Human Bard) and six long months in which to recruit their brave, bright-eyed, (and some may say) naive replacements in the form of Messer's Uryens Leondegrance, Herman Krunt Phoenix and Normus Jeni Tals. Many other things had changed in the preceding six months, like the entire geography of the region and the map of the area had suddenly gone quite Technicolor. Overnight, the forest in which our brave party found themselves, discovered it's own identity and became "The Forest of Corum". Estimating that it would take several days to clear the forest, the party set off in the general direction of southwest towards the town of LockJump and their eventual destination Sounders Gap (again) to try to discover the secret of why people from the surrounding area are disappearing mysteriously. .............................................................
	The Forest Of Corum The date was 16th January 2405 NC (New Calendar), the city of Essendare was preparing to celebrate its 400th year and our brave party awoke to a clear cold day in the forest near the site of an ancient evil temple where they, the previous night, on the Paladin's insistence had set upon 4 evil dudes carrying hunting horns. After lunch, the party became aware that someone or something was following them and a feeble attempt was made to discover the identity of the unknown entity. The nervous party disturbed a flock of sleeping pigeons, at which point, one of the new boys on the block, Mr Herman Krunt Phoenix, the Ranger stated with confidence that "Where there are pigeons there is safety". The same Ranger, in fact, who later that evening, wandered off for several hours to unsuccessfully fish in a stream that is less than 1 foot wide and 2 inches deep. Mr Quimby, the Paladin, his fishing companion, also seemed oblivious to this fact. Back at the campsite, a guard rota was worked out and the party settled down for the night. During the second watch and unbeknownst to everybody else, Rabba Shanks (Magic User, Chaotic Good Cleric of THOR and general party joker) decided to use a spell written on a scroll discovered on an earlier adventure. For a laugh, he cast a 60-foot Continual Light globe on the buttocks of the sleeping Herman Krunt Phoenix. On awaking, the Ranger discovered his new radiant anal light source but was puzzled as to its origin and promptly showed his buttocks to anyone who would look, asking, "Do you know anything about my arse shining light?" Only Raven B'Ender, if you pardon the expression, was able to shed any light on the matter by suggesting that it looked like a Continual Light spell but no one in the party was of a sufficient level to cast such a spell so it's origin remained a mystery to all but Rabba Shanks. Before breakfast, the Ranger slipped off for a morning constitutional dump. The Druid, Hamwold Stoat, out of pure curiosity, went invisible, followed to observe and notices a stroboscopic effect each time the Ranger pinches off a wedge. Out of desperation, (and by some means unknown means) the Ranger attempted to cast a Darkness spell on the affected area producing a fascinating effect of a 20' darkness globe surrounded by a 40' light globe, emanating from his buttocks. (This affect, comical though it was, only lasted for about an hour after which, the full force of the Continual Light spell resumed its normal pattern). After breakfast, the party continued, still aware that they are being followed. The Thief (Ooerr Missus) and the Druid attempt to creep up on the unknown entity. Unfortunately, planning not being what it should be in the party, this effort is only attempted by party members completely without skills in Moving Quietly AND Tracking. Consequently, the enigma remained exactly that... an enigma. Later in the afternoon, the party marched straight into an ambush by 8 Kobolds. With surprise, the Kobolds attacked first with javelins then later with short swords. However, all did not go well for the Kobolds and the first short sword by a Kobold attack results in a mighty thwacking critical hit...to a Kobold friend, who promptly shuffled off his mortal coil without ever having struck a blow at the party. A second Kobold was Commanded to "Masturbate" by a Kobold-speaking cleric and was then leapt upon by the Monk, Normus Jeni Tals in an attempt to subdue him, while Raven B'Ender failed to persuade Eustace Quimby, the Paladin to gang rape the masturbating Kobold. After a round or so of basically having 7 bells of shit kicked out of them, the remaining Kobolds decided that retreat was the better part of valour. The Hamwold Stoat and Herman Krunt Phoenix pursued a Kobold attempting to escape and persuaded him to lay down his arms and surrender. After which the Druid promptly executed him, arguing that "Kobolds are not natural" and should thus be destroyed. (DM stares at Druid!!!). Rabba Shanks and Ooerr Missus pursued another two escapees, tied them up and march them back to the battleground cum camp for the night. The Ranger interrogated one of the Kobolds by showing it his glowing buttocks. Strangely enough, the Kobold was a) terrified, and b) very very confused. The party now entered into a heated philosophical discussion on the relative merits or demerits of executing prisoners. Bored with the rapier-like repartee of the argument, Rabba Shanks deliberately released one of the Kobolds then brained it with his mace saying, "He was trying to escape!" The rest of the party turn on Rabba Shanks to remonstrate with him, at which point the Magic User, Raven B'Ender stabbed and killed the other Kobold while it was still tied up. The Paladin took exception to this action and remonstrated with Raven B'Ender, questioning him on his non-use of the Wand Of Wonder in his possession. On into the night went the various arguments, healing was performed and Ooerr Missus searched the Kobolds bodies for treasure, since everybody else seemed to have forgotten about them. .............................................................
	The Town of LockJump The next morning, the party set off, reached the edge of the forest and headed southeast, across rough grasslands terrain, towards the town of LockJump. Just before midday, their journey was interrupted as a group of 30 plus Orcs rode from West to East across their path, and they were forced to hide whilst the Orcs rode by. The Ranger, during the afternoon uttered the sage comment "If you don't push, your animal will appreciate it". We were not sure to what he was referring. By 6 O'clock the party had reached the fortified wall surrounding the town of LockJump. A pair of nervous wardens allowed the party entry through the main west gate of the town. After telling the guards about the Orc band seen earlier, the party decided to split up on various missions but eventually meeting up at an inn called "The Dusty Pegasus" for supper. Normus Jeni Tals, the Monk decided to have a word with the chief of the Guard, to pump him for any information about the disappearing people of this region. The chief, who cited the disappearance of various people from the town and it environs, confirmed much of what the gate guards had said. I.e. An oppressive unseen force was kidnapping people, mostly the young and middle aged. Also, the chief stated that there had been an unprecedented increase in the numbers of Orc & Kobold bands roaming the area. The Ranger ("I've got my shiny butt, that will see me through the night") decided to go to the nearest Good Alignment temple to take the evil hunting horns. Here he met a priestess of THOR, who took the horns from him and seeing the funny side of the Continual Light joke and professes to be too low level to cast a Dispel Magic spell. Inside The Dusty Pegasus Inn, Hamwold Stoat, the Druid engaged some of the locals in conversation about the missing people. As the Ranger is walking back from the temple, a strange man, dressed as a cleric of THOR, accosted him. He informed Mr Krunt Phoenix that his name was Geraldo Dolkan, a priest from Essendare, here as their contact. The Ranger takes Geraldo back to The Dusty Pegasus Inn where he was introduced to the party and he stated that he had been ordered to stay here in LockJump whilst the party investigate Sounders Gap. At which point Rabba Shanks promptly casts a Charm spell on him, surprisingly succeeds and persuaded Geraldo to join them in the journey to Sounders Gap. {This was not difficult since Geraldo's lover Vandalla had been kidnapped and he wanted to search anyway}. .............................................................
	Onwards To Sounder's Gap Straight after breakfast our heroes' plus one headed southeast toward Sounders Gap and despite having to wait for a large war party of 130+ Orcs to cross their path (going West to East) the party made good time. Disconcertingly for Hamwold Stoat the Druid, his hair went suddenly grey throughout the course of the day, and then as evening fell so did Hamwold's hair. The light of the Full Moon reflected beautifully off of Hamwold's shiny bald dome. During the second watch of the night, three hard-arse Bugbears attacked the party. Once more hack & slash mode was engaged, this time various party members were quite seriously injured but the attack was successfully repulsed and was most effectively aided by the pluses added by a Faerie Fire spell cast by Rabba Shanks. Once the Bugbears had been dispatched, the party settled down to the task of healing up, setting watches, learning spells and having arguments about the non-usage of the Wand Of Wonder. The day of 20th January passed without incident and the party arrived at the northern end of the Sounders Gap canyon by the evening. During the third watch of the night, the sound of 2 horses passing north-south through the canyon was heard. Next morning, the signs of approximately 30 Kobolds and 2 horses were seen in the frosty ground. After breakfast the party decided to send out two scouts along the path of the horse footprints to a distance of two miles. On the horizon, two dudes, dressed in black, on horseback, deliberately waiting to be noticed by the party, galloped off southwards down towards the ruins at Sounders Gap. By the evening of the 21st the party had reached the ruins of the good alignment temple. An argument ensued amongst the party whether or not to have a fire at the campsite and whether or not to camp inside the smithy of the old ruins or outside. Once more, whilst the party is arguing, Rabba Shanks the Cleric / Magic User takes executive action and lights a fire in the smithy. Just as the party are about to enter the dungeon, the heated argument about the non-usage of the Wand Of Wonder erupts once more and the patience of Raven B'Ender the Magic User finally snapped. He pointed the wand at the Paladin and activated it. Luck not being on the side the Paladin, the wand randomly summons up a 12d6 Lightening Bolt causing the Paladin 34 points of damage. Instant Toasted Paladin Time. Geraldo remembered his god THOR (and also the god of the now rather late and rather smoky Paladin) and via a magical device rolls for divine intervention from the Astral Plane of Valhalla. Rolling a 02% he did indeed invoke the presence of THOR himself (or at least a very good simulacrum of him). All non-lawful and non-good party members are struck for various amounts of damage, just for being nearby. All effected were hurt enough to make them at least unconscious, some quite seriously so. THOR raised the Paladin from his wasteful death, sets his mark upon Raven B'Ender and removed from him the divisive Wand of Wonder. This having been done, THOR prepared to return to Valhalla but not before Herman Krunt Phoenix, the Half Elf Ranger and Good Cleric of IDUN dropped his trousers at THOR, pointing to his buttocks and asked the god if "He could do something about this?" Fortunately, THOR, like his priestess in LockJump, saw the humour in the situation of a cleric of a different god mooning him with glowing buttocks and did indeed do something. He doubled the radius of the globe to 120 feet. With that, THOR departed the Prime Material Plane. .............................................................
	The Lair Of The Kobold Entry to the dungeon was abandoned for the day, due to the fact that at least 3 members of the party were unconscious and the others had to use all their spells to get them well again. On the suggestion of Geraldo, the thief went Invisible and carrying an iron spike with Silence 15' cast on it investigated the first few rooms of the dungeon noting down the layout and Kobold numbers. Under the cover of silence, the rest of the party venture down into the first two guardrooms carefully despatching 12 unsuspecting Kobold guards. The party proceeded westwards into a sort of common room between two Kobold barracks. Once again the 4 occupants were quickly dealt with. To prevent ingress of the 8 Kobolds in the northern barracks Eustace Quimby wedged the door closed with him inside the barracks facing the javelin attacks of its occupants. In a variation on a theme Uryens Leondegrance wedged himself in the doorway of the southern barracks. At about this time, the Gnoll Chief of the Guard arrived through the unchecked western door and began to set about the party. Whilst the Kobolds in the northern & southern barracks were being slowly dealt with or frightened off, the rest of the party attacked the Gnoll. Rabba Shanks prepared his Sticks To Snakes scroll spell to help kill the Gnoll but was pipped at the post by a Magic Missile from Raven B'Ender. However, the 15 snakes were put to use to exterminate most of the Kobolds in the southern barracks. In a desperate attempt to use the snakes before the spell expired the party followed the Thief, passed a major corridor crossroads, to a large hall north of the main dungeon entrance. Brief attention was given to the long slits in the ceiling of the main north south corridor. In this massive ruined temple hall a priest at the far end of the room was in the process of sacrificing a stag on a bloodstained altar. Also in the temple were the two hard-looking dudes dressed in black armour and 8 Kobolds dressed up to look like priestly acolytes. The temple was bisected east - west by a 20' fire pit preventing direct access to the evil dudes at the north end. More importantly, an ogre was tanking its way down the temple towards the party across a small bridge over the fire pit. Fortunately, before it could attack the party and cause any damage Raven B'Ender disbelieved it and it disappeared, along with the bridge over the fire pit. Also, the right-hand side of the fire pit was not what it purported to be and was revealed as a path around the pit. With alacrity, the remaining snakes were sent round the pit to attack the Kobolds. Due to the length of the temple hall, spells were out of the question for either side. The priest guy and the two evil looking dudes decided to escape through a secret door at the altar end of the temple. The Druid did his best to purify the altar area whilst Uryens stood in the glow of the fire pit to try and look impressive. Quite whom he was trying to impress remains a mystery. The secret door was subsequently found to be barred shut from the other side to dissuade pursuit. The party split up temporarily to search those rooms discovered so far, finding little. The Thief, doing his duty, rifled the body of the Gnoll. .............................................................
	Flaming Hell! The party gathered together once more at the crossroad and decided to investigate its eastern arm. In the first room on the northern wall the party discovered a kitchen containing 5 cowardly Kobold cooks who are tied up by the big brave Paladin. In the first room on the southern wall of the corridor was a storeroom filled with all manner of flammable objects, most notable amongst which were 4 barrels of oil and 15 oil flasks. Almost audibly the gears could be heard whirring in the brain of Rabba Shanks...Oil...Burn.... Kill... At the far end of the corridor, the noise of several tens of Kobolds banqueting was heard. It was decided that the rooms lining the corridor should be searched carefully and cautiously. A couple of the 'harder' members of the party, namely Messer Quimby & Leondegrance, decided that it would be a good idea to stand watch at this door 'just in case'. The Thief and the others decide to continue methodically searching the rest of the rooms along corridor. Each in turn was found to be just a normal storeroom. To Rabba Shanks, the Chaotic GOOD Priest of THOR, the searching of the these rooms seemed to be taking an inordinately boring amount of time and so he set about a task to make life just a little more interesting. To wit, the thought of all those oil barrels going unused in the first storeroom niggled at his mind and he set about rolling one into the corridor, spiking holes into it, rolling it down the corridor towards the door to the Kobold banqueting hall and then setting fire to it. The major drawback in this scheme was the presence of the rest of the party between the rapidly rolling, l eaking barrel and the door leading to the Kobold banqueting hall. Those party members who were searching the storerooms leaped back into the nearest room. Unfortunately, Uryens Leondegrance the fighter and Eustace Quimby the Paladin were not so lucky and were liberally covered in flammable oil as it crashed through the main door into the banquet hall The priest Rabba Shanks decided that now would be a good time to ignite the oil slick he had created. For the two fighters at the far end of the corridor, a quick decision was required: a) Do I remain here, covered in oil on a slippery surface and wait for the flames to reach me or b) Do I charge over a slippery surface into a banquet hall filled with 50 Kobolds and hope I can find somewhere out of the reach of the flames. After some amazing dexterity roles, the brave fighters decide that facing 50 Kobolds was marginally better that facing the Rabba "The Arson Parson" Shanks, especially if you are covered in oil. Not surprisingly, chaos reigned, a large number of pissed off Kobolds having recovered from the initial shock attempt to swarm the fighters. Flames shot down the corridor into the banquet hall and cause the barrel to explode (killing 5 Kobolds). After the flames died down in the corridor, Mr Krunt Phoenix and Mr Normus Jeni Tals join the initial two fighters in the banqueting hall with the Kobolds. This team of stalwart fighters panicked and ran for "the nearest (albeit unmapped / pot-luck) door, which looks like a good place to escape through" whilst fighting off hordes of angry Kobolds. The others, apart from Rabba Shanks and Geraldo, cowered bravely in one of the storerooms. Geraldo bravely hid in the kitchen opposite Rabba's favourite flammable liquids storeroom. Rabba prepared another barrel but this was launched with such inaccuracy that it only wobbled half way down the corridor only to come to rest directly outside the door of the storeroom where the others were hiding. Here it began to smoulder nicely in the residual flames of the first barrel. .............................................................
	Strictly Ballroom Meanwhile, back in the banqueting hall, the fighters discovered that 'the nearest door which looked like a good place to escape through' was not all it was cracked up to be. In fact they found it to be a 5' wide passageway leading to the Kobolds latrines and a dead-end. The Paladin wedged himself in the doorway to the banquet hall and began to kill the Kobolds very very slowly. A great deal of missing was observed on both sides. The rest of the people in the latrine passageway held the Paladin in place. While the fighters were enmeshed in "The Battle Of The Kobold Latrine", Rabba retreated into the oil storeroom when he heard the sound of two Kobolds and a Wild Boar approaching from the west along the corridor. In here he prepared several oil flasks that he placed on the floor nearby. The others members of the party, in the storeroom further down the corridor decided not to wait for the barrel outside their door to burn through completely and cover the floor near them with more burning oil. Instead, they roll the barrel westwards, back down the corridor to where the Kobolds and Wild Boars were. At this point Rabba threw a burning Molotov cocktail oil flask at the Kobolds outside his door. Unfortunately, (again) for him, the flask missed and shattered in the doorway to his favourite oil storeroom, with him inside. At the same time the severely weakened fire-damaged barrel rolled into his doorway and ruptured, coating the floor in oil, which of course, promptly ignited. The ensuing conflagration did successfully convert the Kobolds and Wild Boar to a pair of charred twiglets and some very crispy pork scratchings, however, the excess burning oil poured into the oil storeroom and found the oil flasks that Rabba had so carefully placed on the floor near himself. Getting bored with attacking the Paladin one at a time the Kobolds hit upon the idea of using a bench as a battering ram. 8 Or so Kobolds grabbed a bench and repeatedly charged the Paladin in the chest (or should that have been kneecaps?). The rest of the "Latriners" continued to hold the Paladin in place by sheer strength. Once more, words of wisdom tumbled unhindered from the gob of Herman Krunt Phoenix i.e. "He has purchase, we are purchasing him". At this time, it was safe to say that the Kobolds of the dungeon now knew they were not alone. Various groups attempted to attack the party at the northern end of the banquet hall; others maintained their attack on the Latriners, whilst others snuck out of the banquet hall to man the defences (...err...Kobold the defences), to approach to the party from another direction or to just plain hide. The Latrine stalemate continued for some rounds, after which, it was decided that the Paladin had had enough of being hit with a bench and that some form of escape plan should be devised. To wit, the Paladin and the Fighter Uryens grabbed the bench, a brief tug of war ensued and then en-mass the Latriners charge out, using the bench as a very wide battering ram. The 4 Latriners, gracefully, pirouetted around the banqueting hall, cutting a swath through the massed ranks of Kobolds, with an elegant display of formation bench fighting. A few Kobolds managed to throw some javelins but most were concerned with getting out of the way of this bench and steel juggernaut. After several circuits of the banquet hall and just as the Ranger Herman Krunt Phoenix was hit into unconsciousness, the Latriners headed for another unmapped door in the west wall. This lead to yet another Kobold barracks common room between two unmapped barrack rooms. Meanwhile, back in the Kobold kitchen, Geraldo decides, (much against his better nature) that he should attempt to save the now unconscious "Arson Parson" from himself and his fires. He quaffs a potion, wades into the pools of burning oil and drags the him out whilst the rest of the party hold off the Kobolds approaching along the corridor from the banqueting hall. In the Kobold common room, the 3 conscious Latriners spiked the door to the banqueting hall, dropped the trousers of the unconscious Ranger and then arranged him buttocks upwards to provide light for the approaching combat. Fortunately for our fighters, only 6 Kobolds were available to defend this room, 2 of which escaped to fight another day. The Latriners decide that enough is enough and head for the dungeon entrance- now designated dungeon exit. Geraldo tended to the more severe burns of Rabba Shanks, but so fierce was the fire that his entire body was covered in scar tissue resulting in a Charisma drop of 4 points to 10. Much of his equipment was also lost to the fire and the Magic User Raven B'Ender then liberated any stuff that did survive. Geraldo and the rest of the party (minus the Latriners) gathered at the crossroads to consider their options, which were not many. Hamwold Stoat spiked the all the doors leading to the crossroad, all except the door south leading to the exit. .............................................................
	Big Boy In Boots As the party traversed back down the main north south corridor, the significance of the slits in the ceiling became apparent as oil was poured onto the party from the now manned defences. The traditional glowing ember followed the oil and once more the party was engulfed in flames. Furthermore, the door leading to the exit now seemed to be barred (which of course it was). Once more Rabba was having a hard time with flammable liquids and had to be rescued once more by Geraldo. Others in the party were also severely hurt. Again, due to the hideousness of the burns, Rabba's Charisma is reduced but this time to 5 (from a recent level of 14) and his equipment list is reduced to :- a) A Footman's Mace b) His Black Leather Posing Pouch c) His Black Shiny Boots Pounding on the door to the main corridor alerts the Latriners to their presence on the other side of the door. Again re-united, the party runs up the stairs, away from the dungeon, with all the decorum it can muster. Reaching the Ruins, the party place 5 sarcophagi lids over the entrance to the dungeon and return to smithy to heal, rest up and reflect on the god almighty cock up they had just taken part in. ..and thus it ended for now.... .............................................................
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