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It's not easy being a paladin. It's not just a nine-to-five job which you can leave on a friday night,
prior to relaxing with a nice glass of warm milk and a copy of your favourite religious text.
No, our public expect better things from us. They expect courage, honour, chivalry, kindness, decency, all
around the clock, eight days a week.
And above all they expect celibacy...
So, imagine how I felt when I was (falsely) accused of molesting my faithful squire Dinkle-Winkle in a
manner that can only be described as 'Taking him roughly up the Gary Glitter'.
Fortunately, I had a plan. A good one. I call it...
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The Paladin Tadger-Burning Purity Test
There are three stages involved...
1) React to the accusation in an appropriate manner. It's no good being meek and mild and hanging your
head in shame. No, recommended course of action is to shout a *lot*. *Roar* if possible, this is even more
impressive.
If you like, swing your weapon above your head, ideally roaring 'Who has Done this Thing!!!' in an imperious
manner.
2) (At this point, ladies should be asked to leave the room). Procure a source of heat. The precise source
is unimportant - smouldering pipe, hot coal, red-hot poker, 'Burning Hands' spell - myself, I stick with a
faithful old candle.
3) Now comes the important bit : Apply the naked flame of the candle to your...errmm, how shall I put
this...dangly collection of objects commonly referred to as the private equipment. At this point, YOUR
DEITY WILL INTERVENE to spare your pain, and hence NO adverse effect will occur.
(It is a little-known fact that all deities feel great love and respect for their paladin servants and
will therefore not allow them to come to harm in such a manner).
Naturally all onlookers will be amazed and humbled at this sight, and all foul and slanderous allegations
will be withdrawn. Indeed, a few may even offer to join your church...
THE PALADIN TADGER-BURNING PURITY TEST HAS NEVER BEEN KNOWN TO FAIL, AND I COMMEND IT TO ALL PALADINS.
Sir Quentin Nibble-Pibbly (Retired - well nearly)
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