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THE LAYS OF YE GREATE BARD
CAERENDIL ELANDIANOR
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as penned by the musical talents of Gray & PhilJ
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THE ROLE-PLAYING SONG (from the Album 'The Evil That Men Do..')
Rollin', rollin', rollin'
Keep them dice a' rollin'
Oh my god I've fumbled,
Role-Playing!
Through wind and stormy weather,
With wind issuing from my nethers,
Thank god my girl ain't by my side
Keep those dices a'rolling, Role-Playing!
Roll 'em Out, ROLL 'EM IN!
Roll 'em In, ROLL 'EM OUT!
Roll 'em In, Rooolleeee- Playyyyyinng
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HOBBIT DIRKWOOD (from the Album 'Spit Roast The Little Shit!')
'When I find myself in times of trouble
Brother Dirkwood comes to me,
Speaking Words of Wisdom,
"Try Plan B" '
'Try Plan B, try plan B,
Try Plan B, oh try plan B,
"Age the Window's Bollox!,
Try Plan B" '
He once had a plan
or should I say
it once had me
He said it was safe
isn't it good
Hobbit Dirkwood
'He told me he knew how to cook
and I started to laugh.
Then he threw a sheep on the fire
and ran off to barf...'
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YESTERDAY (from the Album 'Who Will Rid Me Of This Infernal Halfling!')
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now Dirkwood says he's here to stay
Oh, I believe in what he has to say.
Suddenly, I'm not the half elf I used to be.
I've got burning oil on top of me.
My Cloak of Bat went so suddenly.
He said "To the Keep", and like a sheep, I didn't stray,
It went horribly wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, all we had to do was hack and slay.
Now I feel the need to kneel and pray.
Bragi please, make him go away.
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BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (from the Album 'The Evil That Men Do..')
Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy
He's caught by a charm spell
No escape from the Magi
Ogre your mine
I make this sign and see
Rub this fur on this glass rod, makes electricity
You see I've got this spell, here we go,
Lightning Bolt, a cunning blow,
Should I read the small print? It doesn't really matter to me
- to me -
Athena, just killed a man
I didn't know the spread,
Of the spell, and now he's dead
Athena, his life was young
And now I've gone and blown him all away
Athena, Oooooo
I don't need to cry
I probably won't even care about this tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, he didn't really matter
O.K. so the Ogre didn't die
but I'd seen his cone of cold -
and tried something a tad too bold
Goodbye, poor old Weedol, you had to go -
And all you left behind was smoking shoes
Athena, ooo -
I don't want to die,
I think these guys wish I'd never been born at all -
I see a little pile of ash that was a man
Sagacious, Sagacious, what have you gone and done now
Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightning me
Poor old Weedol, Poor old Weedol
Poor old Weedol, Poor old Weedol
Poor old Weedol it's too late - evaporate -
But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me
With him in the party, who needs enemies
Spare us our lives from his dumb atrocities
Easy come, easy go - how was I to know
Athena, Oh, I really let it go - let it go
Athena, I really let it go - let it go
Athena, I really let it go - let it go
Melted all the snow - all the snow
Melted all the snow - all the snow
ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho -
Mama mia, Mama mia, did you feel the power flow -
Beautiful! now that felt good to me, to me -
- to me -
So you think your chastisements will cause me to cry -
So you think you'd do better, then give it a try -
So maybe - could have done that more abley
No need to shout, what's the great fuss about here
Nothing really matters,
By the cod piece of Bragi,
A wish spell mends the tatters - so bring the dwarves and Weedol back
to me,
Should have read the small print...
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DIRKWOOD LITTLELEGS (from the Album 'Spit Roast The Little Shit!')
Ah, look at all the stupid hobbits...
Ah, look at all the stupid hobbits...
Dirkwood the Hobbit,
Travels around with a party of many PCs.
We can't make him leave!
Dirkwood is working.
Thinking of plans on his own while the party are gone.
What is he *on*?
All the stupid hobbits,
Where do they all come from?
All the stupid hobbits,
Why do their plans go wrong?
Ah, look at all the stupid hobbits...
(thunderous cello bit here...)
Ah, look at all the stupid hobbits...
Look at the party,
Following Dirkwood in faith as he says 'To the Keep'.
Grown men should weep!
Now look at the debris
Look at the bard and his Cloak of the Bat all aflame?
Who can we blame?
All the stupid hobbits,
Where do they all come from?
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A LITTLE PLAN (from the Album 'Spit Roast The Little Shit!')
What do you do when you're locked in a room,
Why are plans always left up to me?
Give me a mo', and I'll summon a troll,
Better hope that you guys find a key.
Oh, gonna die with a little plan from PJ,
Oh, gonna fry with a little plan from PJ,
Oh, gonna cry at the plans of PJ.
What would you do if I slaughtered a sheep.
Would you trust me to cook up a stew?
And what would you do if I said 'To the Keep'?
Just trust me I've thought this all through...
Oh, gonna die with a little plan from PJ,
Oh, gonna fry with a little plan from PJ,
Oh, gonna cry at the plans of PJ.
Have I killed anybody?
I thought it could work, honestly!
Have I maimed anybody?
But, hey, can you prove it was me?
Do you believe that this plan is alright?
(If you do it'll be the first time).
I know what I'm doing, I'm sure it's safe,
Don't worry, everthing will be fine...
Oh, gonna die with a little plan from PJ,
Oh, gonna fry with a little plan from PJ,
Oh, gonna cry at the plans...
Gonna die with the plans
Gonna fry with the plans of P J-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay ....
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STAIRWAY TO NOWHERE (from the Album 'Who Will Rid Me Of This Infernal Halfling!')
There's a tale of some woe,
Of a hobbit we know,
And his head should be shoved up his rectum.
Of all thieves in the land
We still can't understand,
Why the hell did we have to pick this one?
Ooooooooh, Oooooooooh,
And his head should be shoved up his rectum...
And he's building a pyre,
Throws a sheep on the fire,
While the party are speechless with wonder.
But the feeling he gets
As he chews the charred flesh
Is of bowels that echo with thunder
Oooooh, and it makes him chunder...
Oooooh, and it makes him chunder...
When he says there's a plan,
And our life's in his hands,
Then the party are filled with misgiving.
If it goes wrong again,
We'll inflict extreme pain
Sometimes all that he needs is a kicking.
Oooooh, and he makes us wonder...
Oooooh, another hobbit blunder...
< 2 verses 'pending' >
And as he winds on down the road
His codpiece smaller than his soul
There walks a hobbit we all know
Who thinks of plans and doens't know
How horribly wrong they're bound to go!
And if we hit him very hard
Perhaps he will see sense at last
One thing we know amongst us all
A hobbit's place is in a hole...
And his head should be shoved up his rectum...
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| BACK TO THE REALM OF GREYHAWK |
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