Full to bustin' with 16 ROMs
SIDEWAYS ROM expansion boards have been available now for a
few months and I should like to know whether 16 ROM chips is the
absolute maximum the BBC Micro can support.
With all the interesting new ROM chips appearing on the market
almost daily now, I can foresee a day not so far hence when the
expansion board will run out of slots - or are we in for a ROM
expansion board expansion board?
Faced with a ROM space problem, can we copy ROM-based material
to disc? I seem to remember reading that this can be done with
a sideways RAM expansion board on the market.
Can the latter befitted where there is already a ROM expansion
board, I wonder?
The poor Beeb will soon be bursting at its seams! - S.M.
Hopkinson, Croydon.
16 is the maximum you can use, as it's governed by the decoder
used and the way the OS expects things to be set up.
Solidisk do allow you to transfer your ROM-based software to
disc, but there might be some physical problems as far as space
is concerned with your current sideways board.
In a rather more complicated fashion, you could also use the
ROM boards that allow onboard RAM for transferring files from
disc.
Crammed solid
I'VE just completed listing "Deathwatch" game from
your mag and I must congratulate you on a good choice, and having
to use quick reactions and good skill to stay alive.
The only trouble is with the length of the gun barrel and the
speed in which it moves.
Firstly when started the barrel is at full length, but the more
you move left or right it shortens. This I can understand, so
it can fire at sharp angles, but the barrel becomes so small (1/4in)
it is very hard to guess the right angle (only by trial and error).
Can it be lengthened and can it also be speeded up in turning
to fire?
Can you also challenge yourself or any buffs to write in Deathwatch
planes to help the defence by destroying tanks occasionally as
do the helicopters to the guns and to make it more interesting
if possible, have tanks attacking the invaders automatically without
needing controls. -
We can't imagine how anyone could cram anything more into
Deathwatch - but are sure some of our readers would welcome the
challenge!
Getting at the B side
WITH software becoming available on 3in discs made to suit the
AMS layout, users of other makes of drive might like to know that
I have successfully used an Opus two-sided drive to read both
sides of an AMS disc, and hence to make an Opus version of the
original.
There is no problem with A sides of discs - they look alike.
To get at a B side, the Opus drive must be persuaded to take the
AMS disc B side up.
To do this, cover the square notch neatly with sellotape and
make sure it sits properly in the drive.
Since there is a risk of tape pushing the disc slightly out
of its correct position and causing damage, it is best to regard
this as a temporary trick for transferring files to another disc
for permanent use rather than as a regular method for using the
disc.
In any case, if you have read/write heads for both sides of
discs you don't want to be turning them over all the time. - Hylton
Boothroyd, Gaydon, Warwick.
Wordwise worry
AS one of your publication's most avid readers, and this being
the first time I have had cause to write to you, may I start by
saying how much I enjoy each issue.
If nothing else the advice and informed reviews of both hardware
and software have saved me money and the various articles on programming
have taught me a great deal.
Now to the point of my letter. I have a BBC model B with OS
1.20. It is fitted with Wordwise 1.10 and your March issue was
the final prompt I needed to upgrade to discs.
I bought an Acorn DFS 0,90 upgrade kit, Disc Doctor, and a Teac
55F double sided 40/80 switchable drive.
Using Mike Cook's article in the January 1984 issue of The Micro
User as a guide (the instructions with the DFS were awful) I installed
everything and switched on. All seemed well until it came to using
Wordwise.
Whenever I tried to save and then reload a long file of say
200 words or more I got "Disc fault 08 at" followed
by two sector numbers.
Thinking it may be something to do with Wordwise I telephoned
Computer Concepts. They said it was a question of incompatibility
between the way DFS 0.90 handles random access files with some
drives including the Teac.
When I telephoned Acorn they said they were not aware of any
problem and that it should work correctly. It doesn't.
I returned to the dealer - Twillstar Computers who, I must say,
couldn't have been more helpful. Nothing they tried worked.
Furthermore they found other BBC machines in their stock fitted
with Wordwise and DFS 0.90 that had the same fault.
In the end they managed to find a DFS 0.98 and this solved the
problem. (I thank heavens I didn 't go to a department store to
buy the upgrade).
Since the word processing packages advertised in your pages
often include Wordwise and Teac drives, you may consider drawing
your readers' attention to this potential problem.
If Computer Concepts knew what I was talking about immediately
it must be more than just a rare event. - M.J. Waldren, Kenton,
Middlesex.
DFS dilemma
NOW that the 6502 second processor for the BBC has been released
we find that to use it you must replace the existing DFS with
the new one supplied.
This contains a piece of code which must be transferred across
the Tube before the processor will work.
I suppose this means that all those people (myself included)
who 've been using the alternative DFSs, such as Watford Elec-tronic's,
will now either have to hope that Watford produce a compatible
ROM or else change all those 62 file discs to 31 flies.
One hell of a task if you 've got any number and leaving you
with a whole load of half empty discs.
This shouldn't have happened. So far as I know the Watford DFS
only uses legal Acorn approved OS calls, so there was no reason
to suspect when J bought the thing that it wouldn't work with
a second processor.
After all, Acorn have been stressing all along that as long
as the legal calls are used then everything would be all right.
The blame for this lies at Acorn's door - are they simply peeved
that people have been using the alternatives or do they have a
better reason?
I for one would be very interested to hear what they've got
to say. Yours most peeved. - Pete Gaunt, London NW10.
Let the ASA act
LIKE several of your readers, I too have been unable, either
to get the issues of Laserbug for which I have paid or any response
to letters.
May I suggest a course of action to those similarly placed which
might ensure that no one else suffers in future.
If the attention of the Advertising Standards Authority is drawn
to the circumstances I am sure they would investigate and take
appropriate action if satisfied that the complaint was justified.
The Authority publishes an excellent little booklet which describes
exactly how to make a complaint and a copy can usually be found
in the public library or the local Citizen's Advice Bureau. -
J.A. Brook, Norton, Worcs.
Another victim
MR Derbyshire, whose letter published in the April issue of
The Micro User, is not the only victim of Laserbug.
I too sent a cheque on December 28 1983 and waited until February
14 1984 with still no reply.
I then sent them a letter asking them to at least acknowledge
my £12 cheque which by my bank statement appears to have
been transferred to their account.
Not having the decency even to do this, I was naturally angry,
so I wrote to the magazine in which they advertise.
Argus Publications made efforts but to no avail. Argus suggested
that I write to the Advertising Standards Authority which I did.
Even their efforts failed.
And so I write to you asking you, as Mr Derbyshire has done,
to put other potential "Subscribers" to Lazerbug on
the alert. - D.V. Elliot, Slough, Berks.
Seawall mod
I AM one of the multitude who frequently think of writing to
a magazine and then don't bother; but as its Friday 13th and my
sub is due, here goes.
First, one more message of glowing praise to add to the great
pile which you already have.
Second, thanks to Brian Spencer's letter about Enhanced Blackjack
- I have been intending to do this mod ever since 1 ran the original
program but I have never found the time - not that much time was
needed!
I am not sufficiently musical to suggest an improvement to the
Fiddler theme.
Third, a similar simple mod is necessary for the Seawall program
from the April issue this I have done while I was debugging
my input.
There are two problems when Ben is building the wall he turns
his hack on the wall before the final movement of placing the
brick on the top.
Also when he catches the octopus he changes colour - and so
does the wall since both are yellow to start with. The result
is that there is nothing holding the sea back.
The second problem is solved by changing the bricks to red (the
obvious choice) and the wall remains visible all the time. The
first problem is handled by printing a "man right" at
the end of the stacking routine.
A third change can avoid Ben turning his back on the wall after
he has five bricks and the game is nearly over. He can immediately
jump in to catch the octopus - G.S. Bainbridg. Yarm, Cleveland.
420 COLOUR1
534 COLOUR3
535 PRINTTAB(12,15)CHR$22 8TAB(12,16)CHR$230TAB(12,17 )CHR$233
536 E=INKEY(50)
540 IF stack%<5 PROCmanre ady(12,15)
885 COLOUR1:PRINTTAB(X%+1 ,Y%)CHR$229TAB(X%+1,Y%+1)CHR$231
935 COLOUR1:PRINTTAB(X%+1 ,Y%)CHR$229TAB(X%+1,Y%+1)CHR$231
1135 COLOUR1
1220 COLOUR1:REM rest of l ine unaltered >
JUST FOOLING..
I WAS intrigued by the article on the BBC 2 Micro, an exciting
sounding machine with its many attributes including the 32 bit
Z90 and its revolutionary input medium.
As an ex-telephone engineer I was delighted to read that British
Telecom approve the new RS632 port, though the D to D interface
puzzled me a little and I found it hard to en-Visi-age the 1MHz
coach.
Notwithstanding, I read on, absorbed.
Only when I reached the software package "Visi-Bull"
did I stop to check the front cover. Yes! April issue!
Well done. I liked the decoy April Fools Day program in Micromail.
How many others spotted it? I add my thanks to the thousands
before me for a brill mag. (if you'II pardon the vernacular) -
A.R. Biggs, Rugeley, Staffs.
* * *
YOUR article on the new BBC 2 model "supercomp" (April
issue) was warmly welcomed by all at Cuckooland Computers. We
would like to acquaint you of our work on the new machine. We
are shortly to market two further software packages for the new
machine known as en_VIS_age and de-VIS-or.
en_VIS_age is an entirely new product which will make us a mint.
All the operator needs to do is envisage which type of system
he/she wants, tell the machine and hit Return. The BBC 2 will
set itself up automatically.
enVIS_age is obviously the last word in emulation and will
allow the BBC 2 to emulate the operation of several of the more
common mainframes, including the CRAY 2 and the more common IBM
machines.
deVIS_or is a CAD program that allows virtually any item to
be designed and built by the computer. In trials this has been
so successful that, using its CAD facilities the computer recently
learned to walk, and last week took over the boss's job.
All of this new software will be sold at the usual competitive
rates Cuckooland is famous for (£25,000 for the C15 cassette
version) and with such low prices we do not anticipate any piracy
problems. - M. Lumsden (Chief Cuckoo), Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
Keyboard costs
I AM an owner of a BBC B fitted with an Acorn DFS. I have had
this machine for nearly three years, and while the micro was still
under guarantee it was necessary that a new keyboard should be
fitted, due to the previous one having a "technical hitch".
About two weeks ago the new keyboard, which had lasted for two
years, went severely wrong. The Return button, the Copy and Delete
button, as well as the cursor up button all failed to function.
This prompted me to take the machine to my local dealer and
thus get it fixed. After a week, the machine was ready, and accompanied
by my mother we went to get it back.
The employee of the shop/ company brought my BBC Micro back
to me, and stuck on it was the bill. I expected the cost to be
around £10-£18, but instead, much to my dismay and
horror the bill came to a ludicrously high figure of £46.22.
Included in the price was VA T (£6), labour (£18),
and the remainder was the price of the keyboard itself.
After being startled by this amount the man told me that the
keyboard was guaranteed for three months. My question is, am I
being done by a ridiculously expensive dealer or is this the regular
price one must pay when one buys such a brilliant and "reliable"
machine? - Graeme M. Black, Stanmore. Middlesex.
If it really was the keyboard it would have taken all of 10
minutes to substitute one, so £18 seems ludicrous for labour.
However, doing our sums, this leaves £22 for a complete
keyboard, which seems good value.
Avoid that decimal tedium
AS a newcomer to BBC Basic may I congratulate you on your interesting
and highly informative series on graphics.
It certainly helped in areas where the User Guide tends to leave
one floundering and frustrated. Particularly beneficial was your
article on user-defined characters.
I do however find it rather tedious working out the decimal
bit pattern of each byte from a possible 255 alternatives (0-255).
Anyone with the slightest clue about hex may find the system
I use much simpler.
Instead of describing the
whole byte as a decimal number, I find it simpler to split the
byte into two halves and describe each half in hex. Because there
are only 15
alternative ways of expressing each half byte (HEX 0-F), the
character is much simpler and quicker to create. - A. Sergeant,
Newark, Notts.
|
Decimal
|
Hex
|
|
85
|
5
|
5
|
|
42
|
2
|
A
|
|
119
|
7
|
7
|
|
28
|
1
|
C
|
|
28
|
1
|
C
|
|
99
|
6
|
3
|
|
34
|
2
|
2
|
|
65
|
4
|
1
|
Phasing out GOTO
I HAVE been following with interest your correspondence on structured
programming, and without adding to the mudsling-ing, I would like
to offer my own experiences.
I started programming on a ZX81 about two and a half years ago
and then graduated to a Microsoft machine (an Osborne I) before
acquiring a BBC Micro in September.
For a long time my programs were of a typically spaghetti-like
construction, but I eventually learned to make fairly effective
use of GOSUBs and achieved some sort of structure.
Even so, much paperwork was needed to make the programs go properly,
and debugging was a real headache.
Since owning the BBC, however, I have been gradually coming
to terms with DEF-PROC and REPEAT . . . UNTIL, steadily reducing
the number of GOTOs in my programs.
Finally I took the plunge and swore off GOTOs entirely. The
reason for this was not because some guru said I should, but simply
because the less GOTOs I used, the easier programming got.
I now find I can compose almost entirely on the machine (I am
as lazy as the next person) and still achieve a well-structured
program, as I am effectively forced to use a top-down approach.
Testing and debugging are a doddle, alterations are simplicity
itself. And my programming time has been reduced by about 75 per
cent.
Included in my renuciation are the ON . . . GOTO and ON . .
. GOSUB constructs. This is not pedantry:
100 IF choice = 1 THEN PROCa
110 IF choice = 2 THEN PROCb etc.
is infmitely easier to follow than,
100 ON choice GOSUB 1000,1100, etc.
and well worth the extra typing. - John F. Armitage, Todmorden,
Lancs.
A bug still lurks
I HAVE discovered an interesting bug for the BBC Micro, O.S.
1.2 and Basic II (it may work on earlier operating systems).
If the operator types in; 10G.10:G.10:... and so on until the
"line full" beep sounds and then presses Return the
computer starts to emit weird noises, which then ends in a three
part chord!
This chord continues, without the operator being able to escape,
leaving a flashing cursor on the screen.
If the Break key is pressed and the program is OLDed there is
nothing there!
This must be one of a few bugs in the O.S. 1.2. It only appears
to work with the G. (shorthand for GOTO) statement, and I would
be interested to know if any other statements do it.
Although this bug will not drastically affect programming on
the Beeb, it is interesting to know that Acorn still haven't got
it quite right! - Ian Hassall, Leeds, Yorks.
Digging Down Under
FIRSTLY congratulations on such a splendid and helpful magazine.
Even though my copies arrive "down under" a couple of
months late they are none the less an excellent inspiration to
beginners like me.
I took Mr Lloyd's advice (page 110 of the September 1983 issue)
and did a bit of digging in some other Acornsoft games.
Using the method he describes one can increase lives by changing
address values, shown to the number of lives required.
Addresses are &FDD for Snapper, &117B for Rocket Raid
and &1F04 for Monsters. You have to change Monsters from *RUN
to *LOAD to get at the address and then call &E02 to get it
running.
The only trouble with all three games is you won't know how
many lives you have left unless you keep count. - Jeff Merchant.
Alexandra, New Zealand.
Crackles traced
AFTER reading the letter in last month's issue about a socket
snag I felt I should inform you about a similar fault which caused
intermittent crackling from the speaker.
As time went on it became worse until it could be caused by
as much as touching the machine.
On investigation it was found to be due to the power supply
leads being incorrectly fitted to the PCB.
Instead of the spade terminals on the PCB being firmly gripped
by the push-on connectors the terminal had slipped up the back
of the push-on connector and was only being held in contact by
the plastic sleeving, which was not sufficient for a good connection.
This could easily occur on other machines as there are five
such terminals on every PCB (see diagram) - M. Klimek, Barrhead,
Renfrewshire.
Speed reduction
I THINK Barrel Battle is one of the best games I have typed
in. I have two children, who of course are always much better
than I am at the games, but this one I can even manage to play
for a while without immediately losing a life! The children think
it is really great too.
However having typed it in and checked it several times for
mistakes, especially on screen 3 and with three barrels, the top
and or bottom of the ladders sometimes disappear, making it impossible
for one to continue.
Maybe this is supposed to happen, but I hope not.
I found the slow down program in the December issue of great
use.
Is there any way of using a program like that to slow down bought
games that one cannot easily list? - C.R.M. Sillars, Mersham,
Kent.
The program as it stands will work with some commercial software,
but as &70 is used by a lot of programmers, a better place
to locate the code should be found.
No single part of memory can be guaranteed free for all programs,
so trial and error must be adopted. Two good areas to try are
&880 and &380.
Obviously, as often you cannot break into the programs, the
speed reducer must be loaded and run first.
If the following changes are made, and the program then loaded
and run before the commercial program, it should work in a lot
of cases.
I have tried it with Atomic Protector, from Optima, and achieved
my best score yet.
The changes required are to delete lines 10-40 and change or
insert the following lines:
50 MODE7
60 R%=3
70 P%=&880
75 S%=P%
120 LDX#40:LDY#R%
181 .CHANGE SEI
182 LDA#S%DIV256
183 STA &205
184 LDA#S%MOD256
185 STA &204
186 CLI
187 RTS
200 CALL CHANGE
Note that R% (see line 60) is the reduction factor, but tapes
do not seem to load if this is higher than 3. It can be put up
to 6 if you are using disc.
P% (see line 70) is the position that the code will locate.
If &880 does not work, try other areas.
P. Davidson
Commas caper
I HAVE always been under the impression that inverted commas
could not be placed inside inverted commas within a PRINT statement,
the reason being they would always cause an error. Yet this is
not so.
While playing around with my BBC Micro I found to my amazement
and quite by accident that they can be included inside themselves.
PRINT " " " gives an error missing "
PRINT " "HELLO" " gives us "No such
variable".
The trick is to put them in pairs, that is PRINT " ""
" will print " on the screen. Print " ""HELLO""
" will print "HELLO".
This may be helpful to any reader who is writing an educational
program on BBC Basic and needs to get the little beasties on the
screen. - Cyril G.H. Flanaghan, Nuneaton, Warks.
More games for the handicapped
THERE are lots of excellent arcade type games around which rely
on manual dexterity on the keyboard, but I have been working with
BBC Micros with a group of handicapped young people, who find
most games are too fast for them.
They love your Frogs n' Dogs because they can manage to hit
the space bar at the appropriate moment, and they can play Skittles
from your Christmas Crackers tape.
Could you list any other programs which would operate on the
space bar alone, or where keyboard entry is fairly simple and
not dependent on speed?
Please will Micro User help to brighten the lives of accident
victims and other handicapped people? - Mrs Margaret Jones,
Leeds, Yorks.
An excellent idea - can anybody out there invent or suggest
any "single key" games for our less fortunate readers?
Transfer charges
I WAS interested to read of Acornsoft's action against PCW and
their offer to transfer tapes to disc - for only half price.
Personally, I have original Acornsoft tapes for several games
and I am quite prepared to reward the superior skills of the man
who wrote Sphinx Adventure or whatever.
But I have paid him, and also paid the enormous markup from
manufacturer to distributor to dealer.
Now I would like to put them onto disc, but am not prepared
to pay again.
Anyone connected with a computer club will know how much copying
goes on.
Acornsoft's scheme will not curb these activities, rather it
will force others along the same path.
After the machine delays, the 0.1 OS saga, DFS delays, second
processor delays, it would be a friendly gesture if this proposed
charge were withdrawn for those who already have original tapes.
- R.L. Sadler, Brentwood, Essex.
Towards progress
IT was with a mixture of delighted amusement and depressing
sadness that I read Richard Grant's response to my letter in your
April issue.
Amusement because it was precisely the analogy he used to contradict
my argument that prompted my letter to you.
I had just received a second communication from the manufacturers
of my year old car asking me to visit a dealer for checks and
part replacement.
Sadness because Richard confuses the correction of design faults
with technological progress.
We are, after all, talking of products which reach the market
before all the faults - sorry bugs - have been eliminated.
I am all for real progress and will be first in line for the
Mark 2 model.
However if computer enthusiasts persist in confusing the correction
of faults with progress it will be a long time before manufacturers
behave responsibly towards we consumers. - R.D. Jackson, Sevenoaks,
Kent.
Instant diagnosis of faults
IN your March feature "Year of the Disc" your various
contributors mention that the *ACCESS L command will not protect
the user against inadvertent formatting.
The utility disc supplied by Oakleaf Computers has an "Intelligent
Formatter" which not only refuses to format a disc containing
locked files, but also checks whether or not a disc is formatted,
and if it is it displays the catalogue of the disc, and asks if
you wish to destroy the files.
As I discovered, the formatter and verifier contain diagnostics,
which instead of displaying the usual disc or drive fault message,
also gives a diagnosis of the fault, and suggests a cure.
In my case it was a bent chip lead, which I fixed in two minutes,
but which would have cost me £10 or so had I returned it
to a dealer.
I understand that Oakleaf do have arrangements to supply the
utility disc to people who don't have their drives. - M.S.
Chuda, Wigmore, Kent.
Basic Frogger
TO all lovers of A&F Frogger everywhere. Would you believe
that your favourite program is written in Basic?
Well it is! If you don't believe me try this:
LOAD "FROG2"
PAGE=&E00
LIST
- Mrs P.M. Bevin.
Obsolete tapes
I AM in the same unfortunate position as Mr Palmer (Jan 1984
issue of The Micro User). I recently bought a dual disc drive
and now find that most of my bought taped programs cannot be transferred
to disc for one (or both) of two reasons:
There is an irritating and awkward shift of memory which means
that long programs (which are just the sort which benefit from
discs) often give "No room" and also means that machine
code may not load in the correct place.
Programs are often protected which means that it is impossible
to copy them without corrupting them.
I have spent over a week now trying to transfer one particular
program to disc without success, and am quite disgusted about
this.
Some of my favourite programs are now dead ducks because I am
not prepared to wait for them to boot from tape if I have a disc
which is about one hundred times faster.
It has got to be recognised that tapes are rapidly becoming
obsolete even for the home user. - Glyn D. Williams, Bala,
Gwynedd.
Costly discs
I NOTE the letter in the January Micromail from Neil Palmer,
of Bath.
As I now have a disc drive for my BBC I am determined to buy
only programs on disc to avoid the time wasting transfering from
tape to disc.
It seems however that a new racket has grown up. The price mark-up
for the same program on tape to disc ranges from one example of
take your pick to a premium of £4, with most charging £2
to £3.
As bulk discs probably cost £1 and you advertise then
at £1.40 there is no justification for a mark-up of over
£1. - Ralph C. Taylor, Penrhyndeudrafth, Gwynedd.
Thanks!
WE thank you for writing us our computer game idea Frogs/'n'
Dogs. We have played it and we think it is the best game ever.
I have taken it to school and Mr Rouce spoke about it in assembly.
We thank you a lot. - Sharon King and Paul King, Buckden, Catnbs.
And finally, with tongue firmly in cheek . . .
When the rogues have you taped..
Dear Trev,
Why is it always me? What is this gift I have for finding the
only uneven slab on the pavement? Why do I hold a fascination
for pigeons? And why does fate, in the form of Andrea, keep picking
on me?
I got home the other evening to find a message stuck to my micro's
TV screen. "Having tea at Deidre's. You 've been invited
to the Romchester Rogues tonight, 7 o'clock in the Ram and Buffer.
We'll see you there".
Well you know me and clubs, I hate them. The Romchester Rogues
are a bunch of micro freaks who meet every Wednesday to criticise
each other's programs and rip off software.
In fact, that's how they got their name. They were originally
the Romchester ROG (Rip Off Group) but became the Rogues on the
advice of their solicitor.
I'd been to one of their early meetings but hadn't liked it
much. I spent half the time tripping over wires connecting cassette
recorders. I don't think I saw a single bit (no pun intended)
of programming all evening.
Still, for some reason I'd been invited and I was going. Besides,
A ndrea had swiped the aerial lead from my Beeb, so I had no choice.
The first thing that happened as I stepped in the door was Clive
(of "Not another GOTO" fame) grabbing my shoulder. "Good
of you to come at such short notice. You're on in two minutes.
What's your subject?"
"Subject?" I squeaked, suddenly realising that A.
had "forgotten" to tell me that I'd been invited to
speak.
"Yes, your subject. All the lads have seen you in the paper
and we recorded your radio show and play it at the end of meetings
for a laugh. They're dying to hear you live".
With that he dragged me onto the platform in front of the multitudes.
Well, they weren't actually multitudes, more like 50 of them,
but they were 50 too many.
"Ladies and gentleman. We all know Bob, or at least we've
heard of him. He's now here to talk to us about . . . er",
he looked at me expectantly.
"The BBC Micro", I squeaked and heard a gasp of mock
astonishment from A. who was sitting next to Deidre in the front
row.
Clive departed from the plinth and left me alone in front of
them. Silence descended and all that could be heard was the clicking
of Andrea's knitting needles and the soft whirr of the reel-to-reel
copiers.
I shall draw a veil over the next 20 minutes except to say that
they were the most humiliating in my life. I ran out of things
to say in two minutes and foolishly asked if there were any questions.
If I'd have noticed my nasty nephew Nigel lurking at the back
I wouldn't have been so stupid. As it was he asked me some of
the most technical questions I'd ever heard. Even Clive looked
puzzled by some of them. A. later told me that Nigel had a couple
of friends outside the hall with all the manuals on the Beeb.
They kept feeding him awkward questions to ask me. I got so confused
with all this that by the end I even apologised personally for
the fact that the Electron has no Mode 7.
Eventually Clive got up on the platform and, with the furtive
air of someone involved in a mercy killing, brought the proceedings
to an end.
I was amazed at the response. The applause was tremendous, there
was even cheering. Some of the club members came forward to wring
my hand in thanks, tears in their eyes. I was thinking that maybe
I'd done better than I imagined until I heard dive's parting words.
"Good man", he cried enthusiastically, "you pitched
it just right. Everyone likes to think they know more than the
bloke giving the talk and you had them all believing that".
Dazed, I muttered that I couldn't remember quite what I'd said
(which might be a good thing). "Don't worry", cried
Clive, "the lads have got it all on tape. We'll sell you
a copy, cheap".
With that I went downstairs to the bar and imbibed the drinks
that the laughing Rogues were keen to buy me. Then I staggered
home.
I still can't use my micro. A. won't give me the aerial lead
back. She's afraid of what I might do.
Yours despondently,
Bob
