This article is taken from the “Home Education in the UK” website, a website run by a Christian home-educating family and reprinted here by kind permission.

As soon as I mention home education, I seem to be asked how we cope with ‘socialisation’. People ask me how my children will be able to get along with people from different backgrounds, and how they will fit into society as adults, if they haven’t been through the ups and downs of school life. But what exactly is meant by socialisation?

Being sociable
People, on the whole, are social creatures. While some like to be with others for much of the time, and others prefer just one or two friends, we all need other people for companionship. At root level, being sociable is part of our nature. We don’t have to teach our children to be hungry or even to be mobile, because such things will - sooner or later - come naturally to them. If we allow children to develop in their own way, not forcing anything on them before they are ready, they will begin to relate to other people.
Clearly children do need to meet people in order to be sociable, but home educators don’t tend to be isolated from the community! If you live in a remote area, you may need to make extra effort to spend time outside the home, or to invite people to stay, but this is likely to be for your benefit as well as that of your children. But a child is just as likely - if not more so - to be sociable with one or two people he meets at home than with a class of 30 children who happen to be the same age as him.

Social skills
Social skills include culturally appropriate manners, knowing how to greet different people, and joining in conversations. They’re the ways we learn to relate to people, in order to build relationships and to be able to communicate and spend time enjoying company. Children primarily learn their social skills and cultural expectations from their parents and those they see around them, so the most important thing you can do is to model the kind of behaviour you would like to see.
It is crucial, if you are going to travel, that you explain to your children that how your family behaves is something you have chosen, not a moral issue. There are probably no rules as such about social skills, since these vary so much across different cultures. In some it is appropriate to eat with fingers, for instance, others require chopsticks, or knives and forks. You may expect your children to use cutlery because it is generally appropriate in the places you visit, but it is not ‘rude’ or ‘uncivilized’ to eat in other ways in other settings. Part of our social skills must be learning to adapt when necessary, to make other people comfortable.
Home educated children are likely to meet a wide variety of people during the week, and may well find it interesting to see how, even within one neighbourhood, there are many different ways of behaving. If you are comfortable with your own social skills, it is easier to discuss those of other cultures, and to adapt when appropriate. Social skills are important so that you put other people at ease, and while some broad skills are culturally expected, many will vary even from family to family within the same culture group. Children at primary schools may well develop other social skills - such as knowing when it is inappropriate to ask questions, or learning when to open doors for others, but unfortunately in many schools they also learn negative skills, such as how to pass notes without being seen, or how to bully those who are weaker.

Socialisation
Yet somehow those who query the social question in home educators see it as something more than simply being sociable and acquiring appropriate social skills. My dictionary defines socialisation (or socialization) as: ‘the modification from infancy of an individual’s behaviour to conform with the demands of social life.’
In a sense this is like a stronger version of ‘learning to acquire social skills’, but rather than learning through imitation and, perhaps, gentle reminders, ‘socialisation’ suggests deliberate behaviour modification. While parents may sometimes do something of this sort (for instance by reminding a child to eat with his mouth closed, or to stop interrupting) it is done at home in an atmosphere of love, with explanations and also with modelling of the expected behaviour by the parents. The idea of sending a child to school - however good and friendly it might be - to learn to have his behaviour modified suggests firstly that parents have little influence, and secondly that the all children should behave in the same way, all the time.
The idea, moreover, of expecting our children to ‘conform’ to the demands of social life, suggests that they should be made to suppress their natural desires - and even beliefs - and conform to the majority. As Christians, our family believes it is wrong to conform to much of what goes on in the world; as home educators we are by definition non-conformist as the majority of families send their children to school! Far better to raise children who understand the reasons for social expectations and skills, and who are able to query things they disagree with, understanding fully the difference between moral issues and social or cultural issues.
So when someone asks you, ‘How do you deal with the problem of socialisation?’ try finding out exactly what they mean by the word. Frequently people assume that home educated children are ‘hot-housed’ at home in isolation, rarely going out into the community. Or they imagine the caricature of a ten-year-old Einstein, unable to communicate in the everyday language of children. We need to explain to our families and friends that we don’t see our children as superior to others; we certainly don’t keep them deliberately away from people. Sometimes schoolchildren and home educated children have difficulty communicating because their interests are so different - those who do not go to school are frequently not caught up in pop and teen culture, and may not know the current crazes. But it is not necessary to collect Pokemon cards as a child, or pay a fortune for designer clothes to ensure a good social life as an adult!

Sociability in toddlers
When you watch small children, it is apparent that sociability and friendliness are first of all a product of the child’s innate personality. One toddler may be shy and clingy, yet his brother, raised in the same way, might be outgoing and eager to meet new people. For more on this aspect of children’s personality, I recommend Paul D Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger’s book ‘Nurture by Nature’.
Trying to force a clingy child to be sociable before he is ready can cause lasting damage and insecurity, and most parents realise this; however there seems to be a popular viewpoint which suggests that children should be thrown into the company of others in environments such as nursery school, as early as possible, in order to learn to get along with others and to do without the parents. While it is probably a good idea for a small child to have friends - both of his own age and older - the idea that a child will suddenly become sociable when put into a group of perhaps twenty other children is frankly ludicrous.
Watch any new group of young children together: some will be obvious leaders, some will go and make friends at once, while others will wait on the sidelines or become upset. Those who are already sociable will not become MORE sociable by being in a group, although they will probably enjoy it, and may well make new friends. However those who are not naturally sociable are likely to feel their shyness reinforced by such a group, and may become less likely to join in the next time. Far better, for such children, to introduce them to others one at a time in their own homes, and then perhaps join in an informal playgroup where mother can stay and give the child added security while he begins to venture out into the world.

Socialising for young children
Some children, by the age of four or five, may be eager to get into a classroom, to find new resources and new adults to give them fresh ideas. For such a child, the early years in a good school may well be an exciting adventure where they could make lots of friends. Very sociable children might well find home education somewhat lonely at times, particularly if they don,t have brothers or sisters, or if there are no other children locally. When looking at what is best for your child, it is very important to consider their personality and preferences socially, as well as academically.
But other children remain shy, uncertain of themselves, perhaps not yet able to communicate clearly with strangers. Such a child would not be helped by having to spend time in a classroom where most of the other children are more talkative and outgoing. He might become labelled as ‘slow’, and begin to see himself as a misfit even at this age. It is ridiculous to suggest that his adult career may be damaged by his not making friends of his own age fifteen years before he is likely to start work!
The best way to help a shy child to make friends is to introduce him, one at a time, to people within your own home. He may find it easier to relate to adults than to other children, particularly if he thinks deeply or is less energetic than others his age. The idea of having to be friends with people of the same age is artificial and really only happens in schools! As adults we have to socialise on one level with work colleagues - who are likely to be of all different ages and backgrounds - and we will choose friends based mainly on personality and shared interests. We don’t choose our friends because they were born in the same year as we were!

Socialising for older children
As a home educated child grows up, he will probably learn to be friendly with those around him - shopkeepers, neighbours, other people he meets. He will see the way you talk to them and the way you relate to different people, and is likely to imitate the way you react. Even if shy and clingy in the toddlers years, most children, if not pressurised to make friends, will gradually become more outgoing and able to carry on a conversation with other people. Indeed, it’s the shyer, observant child who is more likely to notice appropriate social skills in others and to imitate them. The particularly extraverted child who never stops to think before speaking is actually more likely to offend people unintentionally than one who listens and sits quietly rather than rushing into everything. Being particularly sociable may be a disadvantage when learning to develop social skills!
You may find that your child wants to join group activities based on his interests - sport or music or dancing are popular for both schooled and home educated children, and provide a peer group in a setting with shared goals and interests. If you belong to a church or other religious group, you will probably have activities that your child will join in with naturally. You might also want to investigate groups such as Cub Scouts/Brownies or Boys/Girls Brigade. As with any group these depend very much on the leaders, so do ensure that you are happy with everything that happens, offer to help if you can, and stay with your child for a few sessions until he is happy.
Home educated children don’t have to join any group activities, but it’s a useful and relaxed way of getting to know some different people. However if your child is reluctant to join in anything like this, it does not mean he will be unable to make friends. You will probably go shopping together: so try to use small shops as well as supermarkets, and chat with the shopkeepers. You may visit the library, or museums: again, with home education, you have all the time you want and can stop to ask questions and find out about the work that librarians or custodians do. An elderly neighbour might appreciate spending time with a child, or you might know someone in hospital whom you could visit. If you take your child to parks or swimming pools, he will come across other children and, unless they are unfriendly, he is likely to begin to want to relate to them so long as he is not pressurised to do so.
You may also have a local home education support group, who might meet for craft activities together, or visit places of interest as a group. If you don’t have a local group, or if your group does very little together, you might want to organise one yourself! However make sure that you consider your child’s needs. While an extraverted child may want to meet other people and join in group sessions almost daily, a quiet child who enjoys his own company may be perfectly happy with just one or two friends, and group activities only rarely.

What about socialising in schools?
There are two main aspects of socialising in schools. The first is learning to co-operate with others in class - perhaps on a group craft project, or in a classroom debate, or an orchestra or choir, or team sports. These can indeed help your child to develop useful social skills, and in a good school many children - assuming they like the environment in general - may benefit from such activities, either short or long-term. However your child doesn’t need to be in school to participate in such things. Any group activity, as suggested in the previous section, can help a child to learn the value of co-operation and group effort, and you may find that just two or three children playing in the back yard develop their own creative co-operative activities, with the advantage that they choose them themselves, rather than being required to do something suggested by the teacher.
In some schools there is so much emphasis on workbooks and busywork that there is not much time for classroom discussion, and co-operative projects mean little more than two children arguing about whose turn it is to do something. Team sports and musical groups will only appeal to children with some talent in these areas, and those who are excluded may feel rejected. A child who joins in several after-school activities may gain a good deal in terms of new skills as well as learning to co-operate with others, but those who are not interested in the activities offered - or not inclined to be sociable in the first place - will not gain anything. The value or otherwise of a school-type environment depends as much on a particular child as it does on the teachers and the philosophy of the school in question.
The other aspect of school socialising is the general unstructured play at recess and lunch breaks. It can be a time when children develop friendships and learn about each other, but unfortunately it can also be a time when shy children feel more isolated than ever, and rough children can torment those who cannot run so fast, or who don’t want to join in particular games. Take some time to watch any primary school playground at break-time, and even at the best of schools you will see groups of children chatting, others playing in an organised way, and others just wandering around alone. If there is insufficient supervision there may be serious bullying at break-time. At secondary school level - where children are expected to be more responsible - this can increase to horrific proportions.
So, while school may provide a good social environment for some children, the reverse is unfortunately true for many. A shy, sensitive child may be teased or bullied, and lose all self-respect. An academic child may be shunned or treated as ‘different’, and learn to quench his ability in order to fit in with the rest of his class. An intelligent child who simply works more slowly than his friends may come to feel himself ‘stupid’ because he is always the last to finish. Particularly in the teenage years, children become over-eager to be part of a bigger group, which can lead to rebelling against authority and adopting dubious moral behaviour in order not to seem different. Only when they can respect themselves, and relate well to their parents can teenagers truly learn to build friendships based on mutual liking, rather than on trying to be part of the ‘in-crowd’.