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When
Viper Went To London, May 9th - 12th, 2003 (Part
1) London, the capital, where them who fuck up our lives live. The Queen, & all her brood & hangers on, including government. People that think North of Watford is another country. Based on our trip down there, they aren’t wrong. Two bags of crisps, a Double Decker & a Toblarone £3-54.
Our reasons for visiting the capital were these;-
1.
Meet Gary & Mark, the Edit Crew, on who’s Edit Forum Viper
is running a novel competition of his own innovation & invention
called ‘The Balloon Game’. Viper wanted to find out who
he was speaking to on the phone, & maybe about to do some business
with. Howard Marks DVD’s had been spoken about. 2. Track down a place called Sohigh Soho whom Viper had written to with regard to hooking up with a supply of magazines. Viper had had no reply to his letter.
3. See if he could visit Alchemy on the Portobello Road when it was open, as he had found the place padlocked last year. He wanted to see if he could get hooked up with some of Lee Harris’s publications. Particularly ‘The Best Of Homegrown’ as he hadn’t seen it around in a couple of years & had been very impressed with what he had read in it while recovering from ‘G.P. Toxifications’. It had quite lifted his spirits at the time, & I kind of though of it as a sort of English version of ‘The Emperor Wears No Clothes’. Viper wanted to see if we could get it onto the shelves of Merseyside again.
4. Track down any other Hemp related things of interest which he could maybe sell to the outlets we supply with mags.
5. See if we could pick up a couple of new T-shirts, maybe find a cheap deal on some new sounds. Well, we couldn’t waste the opportunity could we ?
6. Go see some old family friends & catch up on a little news.
7. Viper was toying with the ideas of Absinthe acquisition, or maybe somebody to help with his aches & pains that would likely come from the walking. He would see how it went when he got there.
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The Twilight Hours, Friday Morning, 9th May 2003
So off to London two of the Viperslair.co.uk Collective went. Trucking though the night, in the auditory company of Zodiac Mindwarp & The Love Reaction. It was a good ride & Viper made navigation from the M40 to the M25, before rush hour started. All was going well, the Tattooed Beat Messiah was cranked up on the sound system, & all of a sudden Viper was in Wembley & heading for Central London & the congestion charge.
“Oh SHIT !”
The mood within the speeding conveyance suddenly changed. Over the squealing guitar break of Slam Thunderhide,
“How in the name of fuck did we get here ? I thought I was still on the M25. I haven’t turned off anywhere. Fuck going into London. I’m not paying them fuckin’ daft charges. How do I get off this thing & turn round or something. Think we might have to stop & get the map out ‘ere. Bollocks, what’s this fuckin’ idiot up to ? GET OFF the fuckin’ road ya arse wipin’ bastard. Fuckin’ stupid cunt ! GET Out the fuckin’ way. Dozy bastard !”
After following the signposts & ending up driving down the other side of the same wrong road Viper decided to stop & seek direction from the guy selling him some go-go juice. Through a clearly recently raided star cracked security screen Viper questioned a lad who’s first language was not English for direction. When he returned to the vehicle,
“Fuckin’ ‘ell ! He dosen’t know. Fucks to this. We’re going back the roundabout n’ find that fuckin’ M25 again.”
Within 10 minutes we were negotiating our second turn of the roundabout & deciding which exit to pick, “Oh Fuck ! I don’t recog ……… Ah Hah ! Here we go. Oh Bollocks. Wrong way.”. So we turned around at the next junction & got going in the right direction.
“Hang on. What’s all these fuckin’ signs all of a sudden for the Mid West ? Oh FUCK !”
So we turned around again, & next thing you know we were speeding down the right way of the M25 riding on ‘Holy Gasoline’, until Viper saw signs for Bromley,
“Bollocks, I think we’ve over shot. I’m getting off & working my way out from there.”
Rush hour was beginning, it had got light since hitting the M25, the first time.
“Fuckin’ London traffic, bastard traffic lights, fuckin’ bastard cameras everywhere you look. Bastards that they are. I fuckin’ hate livin’ like this. How the hell do we know if them bastards arn’t selling footage of our images, which we have not given them permission to use, film, or photograph, an’ going to end up in one of them ‘You’ve Been Framed/Police Arrest’ type things in the States or somewhere ? We have no fuckin’ rights at all in this fuckin’ cunt-ry.”
Strangely, we arrived at our destination with perfect timing. The day was spent sleeping, catching up on news & planning how to get around London on the Underground.
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Saturday 10th May 2003
Saturday morning after a good nights sleep, a bath & a full hit English breakfast Viper was ready to tackle the Underground. Procuring travel cards for the weekend Viper boarded the first train to Victoria. From there we changed a couple of times & eventually were on the Metro Line to Harrow-On-The-Hill. The journey had taken about an hour & Viper was now about three hours parted from a short pre-breakfast morning smoke. He was gagging for a toke & upon reaching open ground outside the train station took a good hit from his stealth pipe. Exhaling as he crossed the road & entered the Queen Anne Shopping Center, Viper headed into HMV & walked straight up to a good looking girl with dreads who seemed in charge.
“Can you tell me where the Grasshopper is luv ?”
“I’m not sure. What is it ?”
“Headshop.”
Looking Viper up & down, “Just let me check with someone that lives here.”, and off she went to consult with one of the lads. He came over.
Looking Viper up & down, “Go through the center, out the doors, turn right & go all the way down to the main road. Turn left, keep going past Debenham’s around the corner, keep going, its on the same side.”
“Nice one.”
Three stealth tokes later Viper was standing within the Grasshopper. There was a bunch of incense crap, Budda statues, Feng-Chewe figurine dust collector nonsense, sex games, tease toy joke leather whips, light up keyrings, hemp wallets, hemp T-shirts (getting warmer), candles, body piercing stuff, weed magazines (here we go), smoke wares (!), fancy overpriced bongs, an array of grinders, skins, legal smoking mixes & pipes.
“Fuckin’ ‘ell, have yer seen some of these prices. Imagine trying to charge that back home !”
“Yeah, compare that to the wholesalers prices. Looks like we might diversify a little when we get back.”
“Worry not my friend. I won’t sell anything I’m not prepared to ‘road test’ myself, & after seventeen years I’ve ‘road tested’ quite a few of these things. Lets just stick to our plans, we can diversify later.”
There was an old guy behind the counter in pseudo neo-hippy attire trying to look ethnic. There was no surprise in the pierceing’s or the long hair. From behind his glasses he eyed Viper with suspicion. Viper asked to see Gary or Mark.
“They aren’t here. Come back Monday, they’ll both be in then.”
This was something that had not been in Viper’s plans. He’d spoken to them on the phone only a few days before coming to London. They knew he was coming. Viper left the shop,
“Well that’s fucked up our plans for some entertainment for tonight hasn’t it. Fuck, now what ? We’re suppose to be going back tomorrow night. Wish I knew where Miss Jezabel Hurt lived.”
Walking away a moment later,
“I know, its only just after noon. We could get up to Nottinghill Gate & do the Portobello Road. See if Alchemy’s open this time. Might even pick up something off the market. We can go track down that shop in Soho after that, see if we can get ourselves propositioned while we’re about it.”
“You’d know where too wouldn’t you !?”
Viper laughed, “I might.”.
The
Portobello Road on Saturday afternoon was packed, but it didn’t
stop Viper stealing a couple of licks from the stealth pipe. At least,
that was until he saw the Coppers all over the place hiding themselves
in the crowd between stalls & parked cars. It stops the tourists
from being fleeced I suppose. But we didn’t like it. We felt
we couldn’t stand still without being noticed as non-locals &
non-tourists within seconds by both the wrong sorts of people. So
we kept moving until we came upon the object of our search. At this
point we parted company as it was necessary to go & see an old
friend close by. We arranged to meet in a certain pub. Whoever got
there first was to stay in the bar until the other one showed up.
So I don’t know exactly what happened to Viper at Alchemy. All
I can tell you is I was well rested & thinking Viper had been
busted for ‘stealth toking’ with his little nugget of Polm
(enough for that afternoons use, & to be fair, he was only taking
hits when he started feeling aches & pains) before he eventually
showed up. The drink had also begun to act on me too. When he came in he scored a cider over at the bar & came over to the table. He was buzzing so I knew something good had happened. Viper said when he’d gone in he got talking to a hippie American guy called Henk behind the counter. As they talked Henk began to understand he wasn’t talking to a novice. Viper said he had to wait a little while but he said that was cool because it gave him time to check out the Vivienne Westwood copies of Sex Pistols shirts & T-shirts hanging up. He’s into that sort of thing. Then Lee Harris himself turned up & Viper said they had a private chat about taking his books & C.D. & one or two other things. He said that Lee was not what he had expected. Viper said he was a little in awe of talking to someone who is fast becoming a living legend, but that he really enjoyed talking with Lee.
Then Viper opened his bag & took out the Tom Thumb ‘From Hand to Mouth To India’, Bryan Talbot’s ‘Brainstorm’, the Alchemy C.D., two copies of CC News, some postcards & flyers & five signed copies of ‘The Best Of Homegrown’.
“How much was that lot ?”
“I only paid for the ‘Homegrown’s’, the rest are samples. Here’s the receipt. Oh & he’s quite happy to do some business with me.”
“How did you manage that ?”, I asked.
“Come
on,”, said Viper finishing his cider, “before we end up
getting pissed & lose the day. We’ve got to get ourselves
around Soho yet.” About half an hour or something along those lines later Viper found the Shop he’d written to, but they were unable to help him as they only imported a certain number of magazines, the same number we wanted to start with. However, Viper was undeterred & came away with two contacts, one of which was new to us. The other was the contact direct for the hippies over at the magazine themselves. Viper had already written to them, but they hadn’t answered Vipers letters either.
“You can fuck off if you think I’m going to America to get these fuckin’ things.”, was how he’d so delicately phrased it before I could mouth the question. Viper has such a remarkably marvelous eloquent turn of expression.
Standing at the bar of the ‘Shagging Fox’ (or something like that) a Goth Rock Indi Pub & checking out the two barmaids, one in black pvc mini ect, the other in skintight hipsters set off with a leather belt & something that enhanced her chest – both in heavy Goth make up, Viper reviewed the afternoon. He was pleased. A rare event. The day had started poorly in Harrow, but at least Viper knew where Edit was based now.
“What’s next then Viper ?”
“Lets go get something to eat.”, he said. A splendid idea as it was edging towards six o’clock now.
Over a Thai meal by Covent Garden, that Viper insisted needed more chillie, Viper made the decision to stay the extra night & go see the Edit Crew on Monday. With the meal over, a stroll around town by night seemed in order. Unfortunately while we’d been eating something had happened to Viper. The muscles in his legs had gone stiff & he was getting some pain in the hips & lower back. He could hardly walk for the first ten minutes. Then the stiffness began to wear off & Viper managed to pace a steady but slow moving tourist stroll. It was time to head back to base for the day.
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Sunday, 11th May 2003 Viper
reckoned on things being shut it being a Sunday & so had planned
on doing the tourist thing. He wanted some good photo’s from
around the capital’s landmarks for some kind of artistic project
he had in mind and began with some pipe hits in Westminster square
the House Of Parliament, the Clive of India Statue
& Horseguards Parade. Crossing the middle of the Parade Viper stopped dead, took a look around & took a big hit from the stealth pipe.
Eyeing my look, “Why the fuck shouldn’t I ? It’s my taxes, my Mama’s taxes, my entire families taxes all the way back proven to the 16th Century, the time of Shakespeare, that’s helped pay for all this shit. This is more mine than that fuckin’ German sausage suckin’ bitch’s in there. It’s a result of her fuckin’ family that my Grandma & my Mam’s sister were trapped under the stairs because the ‘ouse got fuckin’ bombed during the war. Fuckin’ nazi bastards. I ‘ve got more blood rites to the throne than she has. My folks were on the side of Parliament & the removal of Charle I’s head from his shoulders. A tradition I think we could do a lot worse than re-examine. They’d be spinnin’ in their graves if they knew about this shower of shithouse war mongering sodomite bastards who are running the circus now.”
Moving on, Viper took some nice shots of the Afghani & Iraqi demonstrators outside Downing Street, some shots of Trafalgar Square, & scored some nice T-shirts up round Soho somewhere. One was the Jaws T, the others were of Betty Page & Mary Millington. Making our way back to Piccadilly Underground Viper called into tower Records & was pleased to find a new Cramps album release. Nipping across the road to HMV Viper got the Colegrave & Sullivan’s ‘Punk’ book for less than a £10-00 instead of the £35-00 it normally costs. It was time to eat again & Viper enjoyed a lovely Chinese Dim Sum spring rolls with crispy roast duck, pancakes, boiled rice & a nice big pot of Oolong. With just time enough to take off his coat & grab a cider from the fridge Viper made it back to base just in time for Coronation Street. His legs were aching, his hips were aching & he had a blister on his little toe.
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Monday, 12th May 2003
On the train back to Harrow-On-The-Hill Viper noticed a good looking girl giving him an angry glad eye. Getting off Viper headed towards the Grasshopper for the second time, laboring through the ache in his hip & the pain in his leg muscles. A different set of folks were working today. Gary was in but Mark was out.
“You don’t look like I expected. Your photo’s kind of blurred on the Forums.”
“You don’t match yours either.”
“What you doing down here ?”
“Came to meet you lot & see who I’m dealing with.”
Gary showed Viper some smoke wares, the expensive kind, talked a little bit about computer programme’s (most of which went over Vipers head) then made his excuses to return ‘upstairs’ to work. Mark would be in soon, he was on the way, Gary had said. So Viper hung about waiting on the man to turn up for over half an hour to talk business with him. In the intervening time Viper took a good look around all the shelves & took note of the prices. There was no way most of our outlets could get away with a lot of these prices. We’re talking, in some cases, about folks who think they’ve ate well that day if they had beans on toast. These folks are lifetime stoners, hardcore. If the choice is food or weed, weed wins every time. Like Viper, they would sooner fuck around at home & make something than pay over the odds for smoke wares, no matter how nice. The glass smoke ware in particular could only be afforded by somebody with a decent & regular wage packet. That ruled out most of Merseyside straight away. Plenty of food for thought though.
After his third stroll around the place, ………………………
J. Skankly 16/5/2003 ________________________ When Viper Went To London Part II ___________________________________________________________
All images & text ©Viperslair.co.uk All rights reserved. Any un-authorized publication of texts, parts of texts, or images, will result in legal action. Publishing permission can be obtained from Viperslair.co.uk by written request only. First Published 20/5/2003 by Viperslair.co.uk Re-published 26/9/2004 Re-published 1/1/2006
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