"Ten more jalfrezi's please waiter" - not that kind of order. Word is spreading of a breakaway group within the ranks of the Jalfrezi players. The power-base that was The Senior Players seems to be crumbling as each drinking session progresses. A New Jalfrezi Order is developing and the power struggle that is ensuing will no doubt wreak havoc as the season wears on.
As there is little actual information on the subject (just a load of cryptic bickering) please feel free to contact us (team@crazyjalfrezi.co.uk) and clear the air - or bicker publicly. All thoughts will be posted on this news page.
Footballers committing embarrassing drink fuelled misdemeanours are a well-established tradition. The game's history is littered with clown princes who displayed their talents as much in the pub after the game as they did during it. As pundits we condemned and applauded these latter day Bests in equal measures as they staggered their way through the modern day game without a care for authority or common decency. Any act could be justified with the phrase lovable rogue, and any outrage could be forgiven because he played for your team.
However, events of the last seven days may well have disbanded this myth for good. First reports indicate that Graham "Guv'nor" Bailey is to be charged with public indecency following an incident at Carshalton Leisure centre on Saturday 3 November 2001.
Early reports are sketchy but it would appear that the young keeper was intoxicated and proceded to reveal himself to all of the slow lane, parts of the fast lane and possibly several members of the young mothers aerobics class. Staff at the leisure centre were reluctant to say any more in light of the criminal proceedings now underway so the terrifying details will remain secret until the trial.
The Guv'nor himself has sought to distance himself from the rumours by issuing the following statement through his representatives Tosswill & Co:
"Mr Bailey does not seek to deny that he exposed himself to members of the public, merely to explain. Lacking a suitable pair of swimming shorts he utilised the only option, his new Jalfrezi shorts. Unfortunately these proved to be wholly unsatisfactory for the job in hand as the white material became unexpectedly transparent when wet. My client could neither have been forecast or avoided this relative state of undress as he was unaware of his own predicament until he had hoisted himself out of the pool. We are appealing to the judge to have the charges dismissed. My client would also like to point out that the water was very cold"
This version of events seems unlikely given the Guv'nors past history.
Folllowing days of frenzied speculation the Chilli Boys have finally appointed their new manager, James Double. Chairman Williams had this to say:
"Myself, Mr Lawson and the other members of the board have thought long and hard about this for at least a couple of minutes and decided that James was the man for the job. We did try and get a woman but they couldn't understand the offside rule so that was a non-starter. Now we can only hope that he can achieve what no other Jalfrezi manager has, namely:
Double's first match in charge will be the season's opener on Wednesday 26 September against Caste F.C. (Kick-off 7:30pm). Can he turn things around in the 5 days before then?
Personally I don't rate his chances.
P McKernon
With the new season a little under a week away the uncertainty surrounding the Crazy Jalfrezi mangers job remains. The situation reached a head this week when rookie player manager Paul Hatmil decided that the job was affecting his on-field performances and handed in his resignation. This prompted groans of dismay from the Jalfrezi's fervent support who have grown tired of the short-term outlook shown by those at Crossways and have already resigned themselves to another mediocre season.
The board have offered the obligatory assurances that they will have a new man in place before the start of the season, however it has done little to placate or enthuse the fans fed-up with the revolving door policy operated by the clubs power brokers with the past 2 seasons alone accounting for at least 10 supremo's.
The main contenders for the job have been strangely silent over the past few days, seeking to distance themselves from any media circus that may erupt concerning the appointment. However, a club insider has lifted the lid on this powder keg and provided me with an exhaustive list of the individuals being considered and their relative merits:
James "Trouble" Double - The housewives favourite. A senior player with European experience at the highest level Double has the support of most of the dressing room. It remains to be seen whether he will pick himself upfront if appointed.
Nicholas St John "Tool" Lawson - As John Barnes is to Celtic, Lawson is to the Jalfrezi. His last spell in charge ended acrimoniously with several players threatening to hang up their boots rather than play for the Yorkshire hardman again.
Paul "Mac3" McKernon - Has previously managed the club to great success in both domestic and European competition. However, the board may feel that to appoint McKernon (again) would be a backward step given his penchant for the big boot and love of the long ball.
Jason "Apocalypse" Bagshaw - A vote for insanity. Bagshaw retains an almost mythical air as players adapt to his systems purely out of a morbid sense of curiosity. Would definitely confuse the opposition.
Nils-Anders "Cripple" Ainslie - Who suggested this joker?
Paul "Arry" Hatmil - The Jalfrezi's most successful manager ever with 2 walkovers out of 2. However, despite the clamour for his appointment his own recent resignation from the position suggests that he may not actually want the job.
At this stage there is no clear favourite and common sense may well be forgotten in the rush to appoint before the big kick-off so don't be too surprised if Williams, Lawson and the other faceless bureaucrats behind the club spring a surprise and appoint someone from the terraces.
One thing is certain, and that is that whomever is eventually appointed will face an uphill task to quell the noises of discontent emanating from the home dressing room as several of the senior players attempt to renegotiate contracts little over 12 months old. This volatile situation worsens by the day and an appointment must be made soon or the hottest seat in football may well become too hot to handle for all but the criminally insane.
The new Jalfrezi strip was unveiled last night in an off-season tournament organised by Royal London Asset Management. Despite the new kit being a definite shade of navy, the fans are already calling it the New Jade. See the match report page for last night's goings-on.