Spirits were especially high when the pre-tournament celebrity party on Thursday night was attended by one of the all time legendary crooners; Sir Cliff Richard ladies and gentlemen! Without any form of pestering, begging, pleading or abusing, Sir Cliff kindly offered his heart-felt good wishes:
Squad: Alderman, Allen, Andrews, Double, Hawkins, Lawson, Lawson V, Williams
Friday 31 May 2002
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The tour didn't start well for the A-team as the manager and chief organiser couldn't manage to organise himself to the airport on time, missing the plane and having to fork out for a new ticket on an afternoon flight. The rest of the team headed to Eindhoven, which on first appearances seemed to be a big industrial estate. When some taxis were eventually negotiated we were off to our home for the next 4 days, half an hour from the airport and in the middle of a wood.
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We dumped the bags and headed towards the nearest civilisation, I use this in the loosest sense as in a half hour of walking we managed to come across a bar where they spoke very little English and a restaurant, with a pleasant waitress who I doubt had ever seen this many people in the place at once. She definitely earned her tip, if indeed we gave her one.
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From here it was another taxi ride to the nightlife of Eindhoven, I'd say the taxi drivers made more money out of us than anyone else. Eindhoven was quite different from what we had seen before it, there were busy bars on either side of a pedestrianised strip. So of course we took advantage of their hospitality, some of us a little too much as Mustafa took an early bath and was escorted home by Lawson, Alderman and Ford. Not before he had deposited a little reminder on the bar for him not to drink the rest of the weekend.
Leading up to this there was the composing of the Jalfrezi song, the Titty song in which Double for some reason took it a bit further and ran halfway down the strip with his t-shirt over his head ala Ravanelli, and the start of the official Eindhoven anthem the Chicago song. While this was going on, behind them some local students hammered nails into a piece of wood, don't ask me it's what they do. They could have spiced it up slightly by adding a blindfold or more alcohol but they weren't having any of it.
Later on post the Mustafa incident and after a few more drinks there was an ambush on Williams that was orchestrated by Lawson V, ending up with Williams in a kid's paddling pool and drenched from head to toe. To make matters worse he then managed to lose everyone who had all run into the kebab shop about 20 yards away. Williams was then left wandering the streets dripping as he walked, obviously wasn't drunk enough if he didn't realise the post drinking meeting point was the kebab shop. He did eventually find everyone and unbelievably was allowed to get in the taxi back.
Once back Williams obviously keen to discard his wet clothes stripped off only to be greeted as he went in to his room with a sleeping Ford who had been unable to get into his own accommodation. Luckily Ford didn't awake or he'd have had a nasty shock, to compound things Williams then went into the front room where another unconscious guest Mustafa was. At this point he thought it best to put some clothes on.
Saturday 1 June
The team awoke on a beautiful morning with a few sore heads, everyone eventually made it to the first coach in time, and ready for their first game at 10:00am unfortunately the coach driver had other ideas, as he seemed to think we had signed up for the Eindhoven sightseeing tour. An hour later after several stops to ask directions we abandoned the coach and walked the rest of the way. Luckily or unluckily depending on how the person was feeling our first game was rearranged.
Kanani's Army 1 v Crazy Jalfrezi A 5
Even with multiple hangovers throughout the team the Chilli Boys still managed to pull out a quality performance, with Hawkins netting four times. Soon after the match Hawkins started proclaiming we would win the tournament, although we were the only side to concede a goal against this side but it did happen in the dying seconds of the game.
Crazy Jalfrezi A 0 v Pure Genius 1
The rearranged first game was a tight affair with few chances for either side but the deadlock was broken by the opposition in the second half, with a good move ending in a goal even though he was under pressure from a Chilli Boy.
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Crazy Jalfrezi A 0 v Amsterdam Gladiators 5
Not a great performance by Jalfrezi against the eventual champions but it certainly wasn't deserving of the scoreline it didn't help that Andrews put through his own net after some confusion with Williams in goal. The whole thing seemed to be in slow motion as the ball trickled back to Williams who didn't react until it was too late. His excuses ranged from being drunk/hung over to the lights getting in his eyes.
Crazy Jalfrezi A 3 v Rotterdam Rebels 0
An efficient performance with some neat tricks in there for good measure, Lawson used both feet to get past their player tight on the touchline. Some said it only worked because the opponent was a girl but he claims even a Premiership defender would have been beaten by that. Hawkins added to his tally in this one in his quest for the golden boot.
French Connection 0 v Crazy Jalfrezi 0
A very poor performance that was played at walking pace but it could have been different as a moment of skill from Lawson saw him go past two players but slightly over ran the ball but managed to just poke it past the keeper. The celebration was cut short when the ref ruled it out for sliding (the rules state that sliding is only allowed if no one is around) but the keeper was far enough away and no contact was made.
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Crazy Jalfrezi with seven points from five games finished third in their group which meant they went into a playoff to see which group they were in the following day.
Crazy Jalfrezi A 1 v Birmingham Globetrotters 0
A win for the Chillis in a niggly game which saw the legendary Wally Swift using his own unique style of tackling which would have been more at home on a rugby field. Hawkins also got a bit heated after a tackle but took his aggression out on the nearest man as opposed to the offending player. In the end the game was decided by Allen's boot after Lawson sent him free down the right.
A reasonable performance under the circumstances meant the A team could finish no lower than 12th. It probably didn't help that there was free beer on offer all day.
In the evening the freebies continued with a free buffet and also a free bar all night, so obviously we indulged, it would have been rude not to. So we had the waitress supplying a constant source of Bailey beers, so called because of their size and Bailey's inability to drink quickly or at a normal pace for that matter, it's not that he has an inability to drink as he proved over the weekend it's just that closing time hinders his alcohol consumption. Later on this changed to Tequila and Sambuca, or in Andrews case some tarts drink. Soon after this the Chicago song was cranked up again with the star being an infiltrator from the Birmingham team who seemed to have a constant supply of lines.
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The funniest moment of the night goes to Andrews who on returning from the bar was told that we had secured a lady for him, to which his response was "What is she about fifty?" referring to his taste for the older woman. There then followed a moment of pure comedy as he looks down to see the organiser's wife staring up at him from his seat. Needless to say she wasn't fifty, Andrews then after recovering proceeded to dig a bigger hole for himself. In second place was Lawson who a little worse for wear was leaning against a fence. He then repositioned himself a bit further round and went to lean on the fence but ended up performing an Only Fools and Horses moment as he fell down a bank due to there being no fence but still managed to save one of the two beers he was holding.
Later in the night a number of us took to the dance floor to show off our stuff, John Travolta would have been out classed by our moves. Andrews supposedly invented a new dance but I can't remember too much about it, no doubt it will be sweeping through Europe soon. The end of the night is a bit hazy but our attempts to smuggle beer out were thwarted by an eagle-eyed doorman, i.e. he wasn't drunk, as the approach of carrying a tray of beer past him failed to work. Even hazier is the horseplay that took place on the way back to the bungalows.
Sunday 2 June
The second day of games started even worse than the first as half the team ie Lawson, Lawson V, Alderman and Williams were not woken by their team mates resulting in them being short of players for the first game. Although Williams wasn't a loss due to his retirement from the tournament the previous day to concentrate on his drinking and he had a bit of a twinge. So the Jalfrezi had to employ a couple of ringers but all they got were two girls.
Talent Edge Budapest 4 v Crazy Jalfrezi A 1
If it wasn't bad enough that our squad was depleted the opposition wanted to further guarantee a win by giving us lethal alcohol (Unicum) all the way from Hungary. Needless to say we lost the game but not before Andrews dispatched a free kick and Hawkins once again got a bit Aggro bringing his elbow into play on their striker.
"Let's make things better"(1) 2 v Crazy Jalfrezi A 0
A game in which the Chilli's didn't get going even with the squad intact and ended up conceding a couple of soft goals, maybe their minds were on the impending England game.
Crazy Jalfrezi A 3 v Utrecht Glory! 1
The final game for Jalfrezi saw them secure 11th place with a hard fought victory over three kids, a woman and a bloke. They kept it tight to start with, or more to the point we couldn't score for toffee, eventually Lawson and his sweetest left foot pouncing on a rebound broke the deadlock. The Chilli's couldn't finish them off and after some calamitous defending and keeping by Andrews, one of their kids levelled the scores. We came back strong and Double fired in a quick brace to make it 3-1, in the process denying Andrews a goal. The opposition couldn't get back in to it so one of their kids resorted to making his fouls even more blatant but still went unpunished.
A reasonable result by the A team, mid-table obscurity is after all what we are all about (11th out of 22) and there was still free beer to be enjoyed. So we retired to the grass with a number of beers and soaked up the sun.
The last evening started in a civilised manner as we all enjoyed a nice meal at an Italian but after that it was all down hill. First we allegedly visited a gay bar, according to Allen anyway, not sure if he was speaking from experience. After several Bailey beers it was on to an Irish pub that actually served beers in pints and without half the glass containing head, this meant very rare excursions to the bar for Bailey who for some reason became an adopted Irish man for the night.
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After all the free beer we had it was hard to adjust to paying and some people just didn't want to so they asked about securing free beer, the bar man "Stuart" was very obliging in this respect if the girls lifted their tops. Being the ladies that they are Alderman and Lawson V duly obliged whenever they needed another drink. Not to be out done Mckernon decided he wanted to do his bit and what followed was a routine that must have been honed over many hours in front of the mirror at home, that wouldn't have looked out of place in the Full Monty. He even got two and a half Euros from a couple of appreciative women and got an even better offer from a couple of blokes that is until Alderman stepped in to save a petrified Mckernon.
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The blokes then turned their attentions to Hawkins who was even more scared and once again Alderman had to step in, as Hawkins didn't seem to be coping very well. A final word must go to the barman Stuart who just over took Jan Petre (the tournament organiser) as top bloke of the weekend, for his friendly attitude, jokes but most of all his free beer. After a stop off at the kebab shop it was back to the bungalows for most, apart from Bailey, Lawson V, Hawkins and Mckernon who went on to some club which you used tokens to purchase drinks.
Monday 3 June
Time to go home and everyone awoke slowly to the prospect of having to tidy the bungalow. Lawson, Alderman and Lawson V were the main driving force behind this project, eventually it was done mainly by the aforementioned party who also were responsible for coercing a couple of people out of bed. A taxi to the airport followed, eventually; supposedly it was peak time, at 11am? After check-in, which Mckernon did horizontally and resulted in a talking to from the security, we grabbed some food and cheap fags then waited for the plane that was also late. This lateness continued when we landed and waited 45 minutes for our bags, the trains were also late but it meant we were in time to catch a train straight away. At this point we bidded fair well to Lawson V and continued on our journey from train to tube to train to taxi. We arrived home 7 hours after we set off from the bungalows (Lawson V took another 2 hours), quite amazing since the flight is only 50 minutes.
The consensus of opinion was a fantastic time had by all and we are looking forward to the next one in two year's time, if one of us is still working for Hewitt Bacon & Woodrow that is.
All day free beer can sometimes reduce a man to a blubbering wreck/hospitalise him; but the only tears that were shed on this tour were those of joy, and the only hospitals required were for our delirious fans, as the Jalfrezi B stormed to a beer-swilling, chain-smoking, chalet living seventh place. What follows is a dramatised account of some of the more printable things that happened.
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It all seemed like such a good idea at the time. Come to Ewell, we'll eat some Thai food and have a few beers - it'll be fun. Unfortunately things took a sinister turn almost immediately when Cliff Richard turned up and started encouraging some of the more impressionable boys to drink copious amounts of alcohol. Despite repeated pleas for calm from the management things quickly escalated out of control and the old grudges against Jalfrezi A received a rather predictable airing. Some of the members of the team were then kidnapped by aliens, who rather sportingly returned them home, but then sullied their (until then) excellent copybook by infecting them with some mutated form of projectile narcolepsy.
Train - slept. Tube - slept. Plane - slept. Taxi - slept. Chalet - drank. Friday night in Eindhoven was a splintered affair for the Jalfrezi B, as some of them appeared to be swayed by the promise of A team status and decided to bugger off with the so called "elite". Only 4 brave Jalfrezi B players, and one Jalfrezi A interloper, desperate for the Jalfrezi B call, remained to contest the real prizes. Apoc' was first man down, taking Mrs Apoc with him in a blur of reckless shut-eye. After that Aggro and The Guv'nor put up a manful struggle to stay with the resurgent Mac3, but despite Nescafe's sterling attempts to keep them awake they fell at the last.
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The boys and girls were about to move seamlessly into their 3rd straight day of drinking, when crazy Jan "The Boy" Pater threw a football tournament curveball at them. Despite early reservations at least some of the Jalfrezi B turned up roughly on time; the others having given it some serious thought decided that it would be for the best if they turned up well late. However, our attempt to withdraw from the tournament before it kicked off was thwarted by some nimble re-organising from the increasingly difficult to fox Pater, and his Dutch entourage.
First opponents were almost certainly Utrecht's Glory and we definitely won, but further details remain sketchy - I would say 2-0 with both goals to The Guv'nor. After that we played Panini, and again we won, but the details again escape me - I'm going for 1-0 with a Guv'nor solo effort.
We then lost the best game of the tournament so far to Choc'n Cheese, who cruelly broke Jalfrezi hearts with a last minute winner in a 2-1 victory; Guv'nor with the counter for the Chilli Boys.
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The final game of day one paired us against the Wiesbaden Zero's, who had previously been struggling, but in the finest Jalfrezi tradition we gifted them a 2 goal lead early on. Luckily, or embarrassingly, they were playing quite a few children and we managed to work our way back into the game with strikes from The Guv'nor, and an inspired solo effort from the goalkeeper Mac3.
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Once the dust had settled, the unthinkable happened, the Jalfrezi B qualified for the top eight play-off, leaving the somewhat outclassed Jalfrezi A to scrabble around in the mud like peasants, for the wooden spoon.
Having witnessed the Jalfrezi B's tremendous football on day one the organisers had to do something to prevent the hallowed Jan Pater trophy heading back across the channel in only its second outing. However, the ruthlessness with which they first located, and then exploited our Achilles heel (in case anyone is in any doubt I am referring to alcohol), with a never-ending supply of free booze, shocked even the most seasoned observers - lambs to the slaughter. Without wishing to lay the blame at the feet of any particular members of Jalfrezi B I was particularly disappointed in myself (Mac3) and Apoc, as I felt that we could have shown more restraint in the face of such obvious provocation.
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The preceding evening's theological discussions appeared to have taken their toll on some of the less well conditioned members of Jalfrezi B; but Apoc was still definitely mad for it; Focus was already a strong contender for young player of the tournament, and Mustafa was slowly learning the importance of starting on the substitutes bench voluntarily. The Guv'nor and Mac3 were a mess. Al-Kharouf was the only member of the team who appeared to have anything resembling physical fitness in his arsenal, a fatal error, as he was forced to clock up more pitch time than anyone else.
Assured of a top eight finish by their good showing on day1, the Jalfrezi B had nothing to lose, and even then they almost threw it away.
We think the first game was against some French mob, possibly Choux de Bruxelles, but no one appears to be really sure. We think the result was 3-1 to them, and I've been reliably (?) informed that Apoc set up The Guv'nor for our consolation.
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Next up were eventual winners the Amsterdam Gladiators, who eventually triumphed 3-0 in a "competitive match". Tool was drafted in as a late replacement for the shockingly absent Guv'nor, and we may be due some thanks to other members of Jalfrezi A but I can't remember. Anyway their first goal was nonsense as the keeper (Mac3) was being restrained on the floor at the time they scored. The referee merely winked at the Amsterdam boys and muttered something in Dutch along the lines of "Schtop, schtop, what's with all the complaining, you Englisch are scho uptight".
Next up was a rip-roaring encounter against Hewitt UK, who eventually ran out 2-1 winners in a thoroughly enjoyable match. Special thanks must go to the referee and opposition for accepting Mac3's continued handling of the ball outside the area. The B's goal was a contender for, if not The, goal of the tournament. A delicate Apoc lob from the halfway line came back off the crossbar, and Ford was first to react slamming the ball home with a clinical right foot finish. Either that or Apoc just wellied it up in the air - I suspect we'll never know.
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A tremendous game from the off. The opposition (unknown but a decent bunch) quickly took a 2 goal lead following some characteristically mince defending from the rapidly tiring Jalfrezi, however, the Jalfrezi managed to claw themselves back into it with efforts from The Guv'nor (Golden Boot winner) and Mac3, with an exquisite Suker roll-over. By this point the boys, and girls, were quite clearly beginning to feel the affects of alcohol, and had started to take the gaffer's instructions literally. This embarrassing mix-up led to some aggressive man-marking that the Uruguayans would have been proud of, with their female (and our keeper) lucky to survive a terrifying encounter with a 110% committed Alderman. Genius!
Joint seventh had been secured but some nut job decided that a 3 a-side penalty shoot-out was a good idea; so on we trudged for one last throw of the dice.
The Jalfrezi struck first, with Mac3 managing to divert their first penalty onto, and then round, the post, after some shocking Bruce "wobbly legs" Grobbelar antics seemed to distract the taker (Not the legendary WWF wrestler): 0-0. The Guv'nor showing nerves of steel stepped up and promptly demonstrated that he wasn't afraid to miss - a big man who gets big results, sometimes: 0-0.
Opposition player 2 then stepped up and audaciously drilled the ball straight at Mac3, who despite his surprise was able to save it, as it just sort of hit him: 0-0. With three penalties taken and no goals scored this was a classic Jalfrezi war of attrition penalty shoot-out to rival memorable encounters of the past, like Ibiza 2001 (3 out of 10?). Cometh the hour, cometh the man, and with some tremendous vocal support from I'm not taking a penalty Apoc, John "Focus" Ford stepped up and drilled the opener home: 0-1.
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Opposition player number 3 then stepped up, and making light of some more useless psychological warfare from Mac3, calmly sent the keeper the wrong way: 1-1. The responsibility for the final spot-kick rather laughingly fell to Mac3 (again tremendous vocal support from Apoc who was adamant that he wasn't taking this one), and despite some jiggery pokery from the sidelines it was ruthlessly despatched into the top left hand corner: 2-1.
The crowd erupted into what can only be described as the wildest scenes since Beatlemania (or A-Ha); fans stormed the pitch; overwhelmed security staff tried forlornly to protect their heroes; and the players received a mauling from their public reminiscent to the shocking scenes that unfolded in the Coliseum when one of the Christian Union suggested a day-trip. After what seemed like an....I could go on but to be honest it would be even more nonsensical than the rest of the drivel I have written.
Finally, a big thanks to Jan Pater and the other Hewitt staff who did such an excellent job organising a cracking tournament - cheers lads, we'll be back, and this time we just might stay sober - but don't count on it!
The squads were as follows:
Glenn Andrews (captain)
James Double
John Hawkins
Mark Allen
Dave Williams
Nick Lawson
Jo Alderman
Victoria Lawson
Paul Mckernon
Graham Bailey
Jason Bagshaw
Jon Ford
Ihsan Al-Kharouf
Mustapha Muktadir
Louisa Daniels (captain)
