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The Doctor's Vocabulary To assist those of you unfamiliar with the communication methods used by the medical community, the following compilation should help to illustrate some typical translations:

When the doctor says: "One of several things could cause your symptoms."
What the doctor means: "I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you."

When the doctor says: "Are you certain you haven't had this before?"
What the doctor means: "Because now you've got it again."

When the doctor says: "I'd like to run that last test over."
What the doctor means: "The lab lost your sample."

When the doctor says: "This prescription has a few side effects."
What the doctor means: "You may experience sudden hair growth on your palms."

When the doctor says: "Your insurance should cover most of this."
What the doctor means: "You'll have to sell your house to cover the rest."

When the doctor says: "Let's go over your symptoms once more."
What the doctor means: "I can't remember who you are."

When the doctor says: "How long have you had these symptoms?"
What the doctor means: "How do you feel about living with them the rest of your life?"

When the doctor says: "It looks like bursitis."
What the doctor means: "Does the name "Quasimodo" ring a bell?"

When the doctor says: "This won't hurt much."
What the doctor means: "Did you bring a bullet to bite?"

When the doctor says: "There's a lot of this going around."
What the doctor means: "And we'll give it a name as soon as we figure out what it is."