Arsenal - Angelina Jolie - Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really turn you over.

Aston Villa - Dido - One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really.

Birmingham City - Maria Carey - Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick.

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes - Common as muck, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia - Always looks like she might go down but never does!

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon -Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises!

Chelsea - Maggie Thatcher - Hated by millions, supported by idiots!

Everton - Barbara Windsor - Been laughing at those tits so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good!

Fulham - Andrea Corr - Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame.

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer - Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her.

Leeds United - Christina Aguilera - Dirrrty.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor - Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together.

Man City - Madonna - Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though.

Man United - Jordan - Dominated by tits. Quite repulsive really.

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson - Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.

Newcastle United - Pamela Anderson - Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde - On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's going to do next.

Southampton - Kylie Minogue - Sometimes you feel sorry for them, They're not huge and you've got a bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham Hotspur - Kim Wilde - Glamerous in the 80's not so nice to watch now.

Wolverhampton Wanderers - Lynda Lovelace - Big in the 70's guaranteed to go down.