Musical saw Humour
 

MUSICAL SAW PUNS

I would guess that every saw player has his own set of puns and select pieces of music to enhance the musical saw experience. Although our sawyer business can be so cut throat at times I hope you would share some of your puns. Please e-mail me your worst by clicking on the following email link - The Yorkshire Musical Saw Player.  I'm sure our friends in the USA, who are probably a cut above the rest of us, should be good at this.

For example :
1. Most of you will have tuned saws. In my case I have a saw pitched in C, my SEE SAW. A saw pitched in A# .... a Sharp saw, and of course one in Ab  A flat saw.
2. Some of you may have even tried the circular saw which is difficult to get your teeth into, but useful for playing around (or even a round) with.
3. A group of musical saw players is of course a saw band, but if they come into contact with electricity they can become a band saw. 

MUSICAL SAW JOKES

 Three musical saw men were sitting in a pub together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a girl from Westmorland, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a girl from Norfolk. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

 After a concert in a principal Yorkshire town the MC asked the Yorkshire sawyer ...."Have you lived here all your life"?  
After a long pause the sawyer replied with.........  "Don't know yet"!

 During a musical saw duel (duet) between the Yorkshire and Lancashire musical saw players both parties sustained some major injuries to their ears. Both parties were rushed to the local Accident and Emergency centre where the duty doctor confirmed the severity of their injuries. "Well at least your ear holes aren't damaged,  but I now need to find you some donor ears".
A couple of days later the doctor rings up both patients to tell them to attend the clinic as soon as possible as he had good and bad news. The following day both sawyers turned up at the clinic where the doctor said " I've located some donor ears both of you, but they're not quite what you're expecting." Turning to the Yorkshire man the doctor said "For you I have located a dogs ear". Then turning to the Lancashire man
the doctor said " For you I have located a pig's ear".  "Don't worry", he then exclaimed to both patients, " you've both got long hair so no one will see them."
A couple of weeks later and after the operation both patients re-attend the clinic. The Yorkshire man  claimed that his dog's ear was amazing as he could hear other musical saw players across the whole county".
The doctor then turned to the Lancashire man and asked "What about the pig's ear?"  to which the reply was " Its not very good as all I can hear is crackling!"

An unemployed sawyer got a new job at the City zoo. He is asked to dress up in a gorilla's suite and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the suite and goes into the gorialla's cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts to put on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
However during an acrobatic attempt, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lay there stunned, the lion roars. The sawyer is terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!" 
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "I'm really a viola player, but shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!" 

 Two Yorkshire musical saw men and a Lancashire lumberjack were walking across the Pennines. All of a sudden one of Yorkshiremen ran up to the top of the hill to the mouth of a small limestone cave. He took a deep breath and called into the cave 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran in to cave with a big smile on his face. Puzzled by this ritual the Lumberjack asked the remaining musical sawman "Was the other man mad?"
"Ney lad", he replied, "It is our custom in these parts of Yorkshire during our mating season". "When a Yorkshireman finds a cave, he must cry out, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If he gets an answer back, it means there's a grand looking Yorkshire Lass is in there waiting for him".A few miles later they came across another cave cut into the millstone grit. The remaining musical saw man ran up to its entrance and cried out, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". A few moments later .......there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"   An excited musical saw man  tore off his clothes and ran in.
The Lumberjack continued alone for a long while through several dales and over beautiful countryside. He came across a third much larger cave. As he looked in amazement at the sheer size, he wondered just how many fine looking women could be waiting for him inside.. He stood in front of the opening, and with all his might he cried out "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like with the other caves, he heard the answering calling back, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Huddersfield Examiner read "NAKED LANCASHIRE LUMBERJACK's LIFE CUT SHORT BY TRANS PENNINE EXPRESS TRAIN".

Its not true that saw players can only play music written in cut common common time. There is nothing common about about a saw player and besides  why bother having two beats when you can slice  it up even further and do everything in one.

SAW JOKES

Bill and Roy are two Yorkshire men working at the local sawmill. Norman is very accident prone. One day Norman slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Roy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Norman to the local hospital. Next day, Roy goes to the hospital and asks about Norman. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Roy couldn't believe it, but there's Norman out in the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Norman slips and severs his leg on another big saw. So Roy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Norman off to the hospital. A day  later he goes to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Norman out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Norman comes back to work. 

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Roy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Norman to the hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Norman is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead". Roy is shocked, but not surprised, and says to the nurse: "I suppose the saw finally did him in".

"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".


MUSICAL DISCRIMINATORY JOKES

 A viola player decides that he's had enough of being a viola player being unappreciated and having to put up with all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments. He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a Musical Saw."  The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a viola player." The viola player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am....... But how did you know?''
"Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop."

 A viola player and a sawyer are in the pub after a rehearsal watching the 10 O'clock news. A man is shown threatening to jump off a large bridge in the centre of Yorkshire. The viola player bets the sawyer £20 that he wont jump. The sawyer quickly accepts the bet.
A moment later the man did jump off the bridge and So the viola player reluctantly handed over the £20, but the honest sawyer said  "I can't take this"! To which the viola player replied "No,..... a bets a bet. You won it, so please take the money."
At this point the sawyer confesses saying...... "Listen, I have to admit that I saw the 5 O'clock news, so I really can't take your money."
The viola player replied, "So did I....... but I never thought he'd jump again."

Best wishes

Charles Hindmarsh